


Forgiveness is a Funny Word When I'm Coming Home

by jbsullivan17



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Artist Clarke, Bartender Bellamy, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin married, Depression, Divorce, F/M, Gen, M/M, Minor postpartum depression, Multi, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Pregnant Clarke, Rehabilitation, Separation, Teacher Bellamy, Teacher Clarke, Twins, Unplanned Pregnancy, maya vie dies, six years is a long time to be away, twins!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:25:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 78,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8145688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17
Summary: Clarke has a very good reason for being away from Arkadia for so long, she needed time to heal and forgive herself, but six years is a long time to be gone. Who will forgive her and who won't?





	1. I’m Not Asking for Forgiveness, I Know I Don’t Deserve It

**August 29, 2016:**

Clarke knew what moving back to Arkadia meant. She expects the fights and the arguments, she knows they’re going to happen because of how she left, what she’s done. Not coming back sooner and not keeping in touch, she didn’t want to but she had to. But she was also afraid. She knew that if she came back before she was fully ready she would fall into old habits and she couldn’t do that. There’s too much at stake now.

She got a job at her old high school teaching art, telling the new principal her situation and he agreed to keep an eye on her just in case she does have a moment of weakness. She doubts she will but she also knows how difficult the transition will be along with the fights that will ensue.

She found an apartment in town, someone who didn’t know her when she was in her bad place. Her landlord was nice, Niylah, she owned the consignment shop below the apartment, it was cute, Clarke liked that Arcadia was expanding, and that it still felt like the small town she’d fallen in love with.

But Clarke didn’t know where to go now that she had moved into the apartment and has a week before work starts, she’s not good with idle time. School started back in a week and she had to prepare her classroom for the first day, plan her lessons, but she can do that in her sleep. She needed to get out of the apartment, she needed fresh air and groceries and she needed to face her fears. So she decided to go to the one place she remembers most, the last place she was before she left, the Dropship.

Clarke walked into the bar not exactly knowing what to expect. She hasn’t lived there in six years, the place had to have changed. She looked around the bar, it had the same feel, the same décor plus and minus a few things she hadn’t noticed yet but the main staple, the one thing she’d have hoped would have changed, was Bellamy Blake tending bar. He was talking, smiling with someone she didn’t know. His disorderly onyx hair was shorter, his dark brown eyes older but he was still her Bellamy.

She’d made it this far, she can’t back out now. She took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders and walked up to the middle of the bar, sitting a chair away from a man she didn’t know, giving him a weak smile before waiting for Bellamy. Her leg bounced impatiently, or nervously, it’s new as of five years ago, she’s still trying to get used to it.

She didn’t remember the last time she was here, that’s how bad she got.

“Water?” he gruffed at her and she raised her eyes to meet his. They were angry now, she didn’t want that.

“Cranberry seltzer?” she asked, it’s the closest to a vodka cranberry she could get. This won’t be easy.

He tapped the bar top and left to make her drink.

“You new in town?” the guy next to her asked.

Clarke grimaced, “I left six years ago but I’m back. I thought he’d have gotten a job somewhere else.”

“Why would he do that? He owns the place.”

 _Bellamy owns the Dropship,_ she thought, trying to wrap her head around it. After all she’s put him through she’s surprised he’d buy a bar. Maybe it’s a reminder of how fragile people are, how something could break someone so easily they become dependent on something that won’t let them down or look at them like they’re broken.

Bellamy came back just then. “Monty, you done avoiding Nate or you want another?” Bellamy asked the guy next to Clarke as he placed her drink in front of her. “Three.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke pleaded.

His jaw tightened, “No. You’re lucky I haven’t thrown you out.”

“That’s fair, I was wrong. I know that, but please talk to me. Not here or now but this week. I got a place in town and I—“

“You have no rights, you gave them up,” he stated and though he was right, she just didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t offer him anything back then.

“I didn’t have a choice. Please, I just want to talk.”

“I’m busy,” he sneered. That’s an old look for him, one of the first expressions she’d seen on him, it never suited him.

“Okay, but Bellamy, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying,” she took a sip of her cranberry seltzer and placed five dollars on the counter before finishing the drink and leaving.

She walked down the street with her head hung. She knew seeing Bellamy wouldn’t be a good experience. That was better than she expected though. He didn’t yell but he wasn’t exactly nice or happy to see her.

Clarke missed him, she has the last six years, only seeing him just over five years ago when they signed the papers. He hadn’t even looked at her then.

She needed a lawyer, she needed to know what she could do.

* * *

Monty walked into the police station and grimaced at the front desk. He walked into the break room where Murphy, Miller and Raven were talking.

“Hey, babe,” Miller said with a small smile.

Monty ignored him, still annoyed over their argument that morning, “I know I’m relatively new to town but Bellamy was really pissed at a blonde at the Dropship.”

“A blonde?” Raven grimaced, she was the best mechanical engineer in the state, could have gone anywhere with it but she chose to open a shop here in Arkadia, people from Polis would come to her to get specialty work done that only she could do, and the waitlist was so long that she had to hire three other people to handle the day to day work on the customers from town. She always had a soft spot for the police force, making them her top priority, and always had lunch at the station with them unless she was engulfed with her current project and lost track of time.

“Yeah, I spoke to her and she said she hasn’t been here in six years. I know Bellamy holds a grudge but six years is excessive.”

Miller and Raven exchange a look and Raven stood. “Monty, whatever you do, do not tell Octavia or Lincoln!” she said before running out of the room.

“Why? Who is she?” he grimaced, confused.

“Jacob’s mother,” Murphy smirked, though his face was in a permanent state of smirking these days, like he has a secret no one knows, not that they care either, he was the force’s douchebag.

Monty’s heart sank, that woman was so nice, she couldn’t be everything that they’ve said about her in the four years he’s been here. “I didn’t—I thought—why didn’t Bellamy tell me?”

“Did you really just ask that?” Miller scoffed, they’ve been fighting and he always comes here to have lunch with Monty when he isn’t working. “You didn’t even know that Jacob existed until Abby dropped him off early last year. I’m surprised Bellamy even allows her to see him the way he cut Clarke off.”

Monty knew better than to pry into Bellamy’s life but this is something he needed to know. “What happened?”

“It’s a long, depressing story. Jasper was born and raised here, he never dreamed of leaving, he loved it here but after Maya, he couldn’t stay. Maya died because of Clarke, it wasn’t directly her fault but it also was. That in itself is a long story, but if Clarke is back, it’s going to be World War III in Arkadia and she probably won’t survive,” Miller said, sparing the little details. He’s a loyal friend and won’t even tell his boyfriend something if his friends asked him not to, which is one of the reasons why they’re arguing.

Monty grimaced, this is some serious shit. Without knowing the details, he knows how protective Bellamy and Octavia are over their family and if Clarke wronged them, they’re going to fight tooth and nail to protect each other.

* * *

 

Bellamy paced the stock room, knowing Gina was tending bar helped him somewhat but seeing Clarke really threw him for a loop this afternoon. He didn’t know what to do, who to tell. No one. Everyone? Abby? Certainly not Octavia, she’ll kill her but then what about Jacob, how is he going to explain Clarke to him. Who is Clarke even? Why is she here?

His head spun with too many questions and not enough answers so he called the one person he knew could help him.

“Knight Law, how may I direct your call?” the receptionist answered on the first ring. Her name somewhere in his mind, he just couldn’t remember at the moment.

“Indra Knight, please.”

“May I ask who’s calling?”

“Bellamy Blake.”

“She’s currently in a meeting with a client may I send you to… Right, Octavia can’t help you. Would you like me to forward you to her anyway?”

“My sister can’t know so I need Indra. Have her call me back and please don’t tell Octavia that I called. Better yet, could you set up an appointment with Indra when Octavia isn’t in the office?”

“Thursday at three, Mel has a doctor’s appointment.”

“Perfect, thanks.” Bellamy hung up the phone with a sigh, that’s all he can do today. He has to stay ahead of this. He knows Clarke won’t want to go to court over this but he needs to know what could happen if it gets to that point.

He called Lincoln next.

“Hey,” he answered, over the last five years, Bellamy has grown used to the tattooed man being around, he’s the father of his nieces, and wasn’t going anywhere if Octavia has anything to say about it but Bellamy was still surprised by how good of a guy the man was.

“Hey, how’re the kids?”

“Your son is a menace, painted the wall blue this morning and Leanna is close to walking, I’m literally carrying my phone around with the camera open just in case it happens when I’m not prepared so I can record it for Octavia.”

“I remember doing that for Abby when Jacob was that age. How’s Mel?”

“She’s Mel, won’t take her Halloween costume off still. She practically showers in it,” Bellamy knew his brother-in-law rolled his eyes.

“She’s three, it’s what they do. I couldn’t get Jake out of his Captain America costume for six months.”

“And he was adorable, she’s a tomato.”

“I will never understand that one,” Bellamy chuckled. “I’ll buy paint for your wall on my way home from work, what’s the color?”

“Burnt sienna.”

“You’re such an artist. I should get back. Echo should be here at seven. So I’ll pick Jacob up around 7:30.”

“Sounds good, and don’t worry about the paint, we were talking about painting that wall anyway.”

“Are you sure? I can call Harper at the store and have her make it.”

“Do not trust Harper with mixing paint, she’s worse than Octavia.”

Bellamy grimaced, “I’ll be there at seven-thirty, okay?”

“Yes, go sell drinks to drunks.”

“And this is why we leave the writing to Miller,” Bellamy said and hung up, hating how the day was dragging now that he had something important to do. Does Clarke want to see Jacob? Does she want to get back together, to try again? Should he tell her about his thing with Gina?

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Gina said, grabbing the rack of clean glasses from behind him.

“I did,” he said, kissing her cheek before heading back out, the irony of Clarke’s go to move dawning on him just then and he stepped away from her. It’s because she’s back, bringing up these memories. He wouldn’t have thought about if she weren’t here. Damn did she look good though. Her golden hair longer, still covered in paint whether she knew it or not. She looked better than when he’d last saw her. He didn’t even see her when she gave birth to Jacob. He came to pick him up and had the nurse serve her the separation papers and that was that. He picked up his newborn son and left without seeing her. But Jacob was perfectly healthy even with the alcohol poisoning Clarke gave him through the first trimester. Maybe that’s why she got drunk easier those last few months.

Bellamy shook the thought of the gorgeous blonde out of his head as he served McCallan a Guinness.


	2. A Look Back to Look Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five Years Ago!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a flash back, I feel like there are going to be quite a few of them in the next few chapters but this whole chapter is going back five years. After Clarke's stint in rehab, she's out and going to AA, trying to get her shit together. And then there's Bellamy's half, you already know about Jacob so here's some father/son time.
> 
> Throughout the week I've been reading the comments and I'm so happy you guys are all enjoying this... this chapter was difficult for me to write partly because of my family life right now and partly because I've never been through any of this though I do have a 7 month old brother that I see on the weekends and knew about the...well you'll see. Happy reading!!

**August 2011:**

Clarke sat in the circle, she hated the fucking circles, she hated the gym with the poorly painted lion on the waxed floor but this was the only meeting that didn’t have anyone from rehab in it. She hated everyone there too, but she wanted to start fresh, new non-judgmental people to tell her shit story to. They’ll do it, she knows they will because everyone does, she does and she’s seen and done a lot of shit that somethings shouldn’t surprise her. Her story was pretty fucked up that she sometimes didn’t think that she deserves to live. But she has to, she has a little boy in Virginia that she has to meet and a husband to make things up to.

“Hi, my name is Anya, and I’m an alcoholic,” a woman from across the circle said. She was pretty in an unconventional way and Clarke liked her. Heard her story the last time she came. Clarke didn’t share though, she didn’t plan to that time either.

“Hi, Anya,” Clarke said with the rest of the group.

“Today was bad, I watched my daughter call another woman ‘Mommy’, it sucked, but I also deserve it. I—I wasn’t there for her like I should have been, I know that it was the postpartum depression but sometimes when I looked at her I hated her. I know how horrible that sounds but I’m going to meetings for that too with other mothers that have it. I hated my husband, my friends and eventually myself and I couldn’t deal with the feelings so I drank. My husband threw me in rehab and divorced me once I got out which put me right back in. But hearing my daughter said ‘Bye, Mommy!’ to another woman, her step mom, really threw me over the edge. I haven’t drank, but I really, _really_ want to because I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to feel this pain and heartache that I feel right now.

“But knowing that I have you guys, to know that I have your support, reminds me that I’m not alone in this fight. Thank you, guys.”

“Thank you, Anya. We have time for one more if anyone would like to speak,” the councilor said and Clarke knew he meant her.

“I—hi, my name is Clarke, and I’m an alcoholic,” she said.

“Hi, Clarke,” they rang out and she sighed. She can do this.

“I caused my friend’s girlfriend’s death. It’s more complicated than that but that was the real start to my drinking, I was drunk but I wasn’t dependent. I was drunk and my husband and I were fighting and I ran out of the bar, she was on her way there to meet us, running late from work, her boss was a ruthless dick. So I was angry and ran out and I tripped, stumbling into the street. The driver swerved away a little too sharply and jumped the curb on the other side of the road and hit her. Our friends blamed me and I drank the guilt away.

“It started not being able to see their faces when they looked at me, just to numb the guilt for a few hours until I fell asleep. Then I couldn’t even bear to remember the looks and I brought bottles of water filled with vodka to work, numbing everything. About a year later, I was only drinking vodka and I found out that I was fourteen weeks pregnant and all I wanted was to drink and I knew I couldn’t. I knew I already caused enough damage to the fetus and I—“ a tear escaped Clarke’s eye and ran down her cheek as she looked to the floor, the words spilling out of her mouth like a dam that burst. “I knew I couldn’t so I went to rehab. I had a boy seven months ago and my husband separated from me when he picked up our son. I don’t know his name, I can’t even go see them. I don’t want to risk relapsing, I want to be sure that I’m stable enough to see them, to be the hurricane without feeding it.”

* * *

Bellamy bounced on the balls of his feet, trying to shush the screaming baby in his arms. He couldn’t figure it out, Jacob had a clean diaper, he had a bottle a half hour ago and he’s had at least three naps today. He didn’t have a fever or a runny nose and Bellamy couldn’t figure it out. What the hell is wrong with his son?

The front door flew open and Lincoln walked in with Octavia close behind. “It sounds like you’re murdering someone! We can hear him halfway down the street!” Octavia yelled over Jacob’s shrilling wails.

Lincoln yanked his shirt over his head and took Jacob from Bellamy, sitting on the couch with the seven month old on his chest, quickly falling silent and possibly asleep.

“How did you do that? He’s been screaming for seven months!” Bellamy exclaimed in shock and blatant annoyance.

“They like the feel of a heartbeat, reminds them of when they were safely tucked away in the womb.”

“Honestly,” Octavia breathed. “If I weren’t already in love with you, I would be now.”

“Stop drooling,” Bellamy groaned before turning to his sister’s boyfriend. “Please, hold him for as long as you possibly can. I need a nap.”

Bellamy dragged himself to his bedroom down the hall and fell asleep without getting under the covers, in his Dockers and flannel shirt.

He woke up four hours later to a strong garlic smell. He walked out to the kitchen and Lincoln was cooking while Octavia held Jacob as he slept in her arms.

“Why Jacob? It’s been seven months and you still haven’t explained it and you look pained whenever you say his name,” she asked as she stood to place Jacob in the pack-n-play he’d set up in the living room.

“Clarke’s father,” Bellamy said simply, it explained itself in his eyes.

“I know that, I want to know why you thought that was a good name when it causes you so much pain.”

“She’s my wife, Octavia, she’d name him Jacob. I just—I want to make her happy.”

“She’s been gone a year, you’re separated. You don’t owe her anything!”

“I still love her!” Bellamy exclaimed, hating that he had to explain himself. She was it for him and he pushed her away. Again.

“You love who she was, she hasn’t been that Clarke in two years. Not since Maya died.”

“She’s still my pri—“

“’Princess’? She is no princess, Bellamy, she’s toxic,” O spat and Bellamy had the urge to punch a wall. O and Clarke were best friends, one of the reasons he’d pushed her away the first time he felt something towards her, going on a rampage of brunettes, trying to get her out of his head.

“She’s fixing herself. She’ll come home.”

“You’re stupidly optimistic when it comes to her but believe that the rest of the world is doomed. She’s warped your mind!”

“Octavia,” Lincoln said from the kitchen.

“No, Lincoln, you didn’t see him when she left, it was like nothing had happened. Clarke, the love of his life, went to rehab and he acted like everything was okay, like she went on vacation. He’s still acting like that but while raising his son and sleeping with Gina. How do we even know Jacob’s yours? She was drunk a majority of the time, it could be anyone’s.”

“She wouldn’t—“

“But drunk Clarke is slut Clarke. Hell, your first kiss with her was when she was so drunk she didn’t even remember, she had to watch the video the next morning! She is so messed up and you’re too blind to see it!”

Jacob began screaming again and Bellamy sighed as Octavia tried soothing him, but it’s after eight, he needs a bottle before he sleeps for another three hours only to begin all over again tomorrow.

Bellamy couldn’t argue with Octavia about Clarke, not when it’s a screaming match and Jacob is in the room.

“We came to tell you that Jasper is moving to Denver. He can’t stay here and it’s a botanist’s paradise over there,” Lincoln said after Octavia backed off about Clarke.

“Yeah?” Bellamy smirked, knowing exactly what he meant by that.

“He’s asked everyone to help, I know you two have your differences but you’re not the one he blames. You were a big part of his life, you saved him once or twice.”

“But I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t save either of them. I mean, we were fighting about the stupid water bill and…” Bellamy shook the thought out of his head, it wasn’t important anymore. He drove Clarke to drink that night and caused her to stumble into the street making the driver swerve, hoping the curb on the other side hitting Maya, they’re both at fault, whether Jasper sees that or not. Bellamy’s going to miss the pothead, that’s for sure.

“Of course I’ll help, Abby has Jacob this weekend.”

“Dude, you know that makes no sense, right?”

“She’s his grandmother, she doesn’t talk to Clarke either. She tries but Clarke doesn’t allow it. I haven’t tried, I don’t know what to say to her.”

“Are you waiting for her?” Lincoln asked.

“I thought I was, but I called the facility and she’s been out for two months. I know she wants to be Clarke before she comes back but I haven’t heard a word in over a year, it’s not fair.”

“You served separation papers, maybe she thinks you hate her.”

“Her son is here. What kind of mother abandons her child?” Bellamy grimaced, hating the possibility of that being his reality.


	3. Honesty is the Best Policy (The Truth Hurts)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday!! I'm at Six Flags!!

**August 30, 2016:**

Clarke woke up, knowing which color to paint the living room, it’s been driving her up a wall. But she found it, a light blue, not exactly sky or robin’s egg but a pale celeste, pretty. She rolled over and checked her phone, Anya, her sponsor, texted her.

Anya (6:31): How’d the move go? U feeling okay?

Clarke smiled, Anya wasn’t always so nice to her, before Clarke asked her to be her sponsor, Anya was downright rude to her. Anya still wasn’t nice but at least she cared.

Clarke (7:17): Yes, no drinking so far, though I was tempted when I talked to Bellamy. He wasn’t happy about my return, though I think it’s more about our son than us. I’m going to a lawyer’s today to talk about my options then an AA meeting at 4.

Anya (7:19): Good, u r going 2 need another sponsor, 1 that’s there with u all the time, u r a little too far away now. Get 2 know them before choosing, some people aren’t the best.

Clarke (7:22): You’re one to talk, you were so mean until you got to know me.

Anya (7:23): U r an easy mentee. Have a good day!

Clarke (7:25): U2. Tell everyone that I miss them because I do, they’re like my extended family.

Clarke didn’t wait for Anya’s response, knowing it wouldn’t come for hours, with years of experience in the matter. Once Anya said something dismissive she doesn’t respond back unless you call her, then she knows it’s serious. Clarke has only had to call her two, maybe, three times when she walked into a situation with alcohol that she didn’t want to get out of but knew the consequences.

She has an appointment at a lawyer’s at four, she has the whole morning to paint if she went to get the paint now, but what about Bellamy? What if he didn’t want to go through lawyers? What if he’s going for full custody and wants a divorce? She doesn’t want that but this isn’t about her. This is about their son and Bellamy, what they want.

Clarke went to the store and bought the paint, she focused on the corners and outlets before cleaning up. She decided to let Bellamy know that she’s going to a lawyer’s, it’s only fair.

She walked into the bar, the second time in two days, the most she’s been in one in six years. He was talking to a brunette and she rolled her eyes, Clarke’s his exception to the rule. His unwritten rule of brunettes, she broke him of it and he’s back at it with a bright smile after the girl said something.

“We’re closed,” he said, hearing the door slam shut behind her, not looking but then he did and his smile faded. “What do you want?”

“I know I said we should talk this week but I have to tell you something or ask you something, maybe both.”

“Fine. Echo, stock the Bud and, well, you know the drill. Come on,” he headed back to his office or… Clarke didn’t know but followed him anyway and yeah, it’s his office.

They silently stood in the room for a few minutes with the same old, metal desk she had many memories of from years ago, just staring at each other, the floor, the ceiling. Avoiding words.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke whispered, not knowing where else to start.

“What?” he practically spat back.

“I—I’m sorry,” she said louder. “I know that’s not enough, I know there’s no excuse but I was hurt at first, you filed for separation when I handed you our baby and I was hurt. Three months later, I was on step nine and wrote you an apology and you sent it back stamped 'Return to Sender'. I was angry.

“Do you know how they looked at me? Everyone here in town after Maya died? Disgust and hate, I felt it too, somedays were worse than others, the guilt worsened by their looks and it’s why I drank. The night she died it was because I was pissed at you, but after that, it was the guilt, dulling it, sometimes forgetting about it. I thought it would help but their looks just got worse,” Clarke drabbled, she drones on and on when she’s nervous. Bellamy always made her nervous, the good nervous usually, but this is the bad nervous. She didn’t know what to expect with him anymore. She can’t read him like she used to.

“Do you want to know how they looked at me after you left?” he countered. “You thought how they looked at you was bad? They pitied me, Clarke, suddenly I wasn’t the feared and ruthless rebel, I was empathized. Bellamy Blake, the man who couldn’t hold his wife together. Bellamy Blake, the man whose wife left him. Bellamy Blake, the empty man who couldn’t feel a damn thing because his wife left,” his voice broke but Clarke knew that his hardened jaw was something to be reckoned with. He may still be hurt but he will fight anyone who dare say so.

“Clarke Griffin-Blake, the bitch that left her loving husband, after he’d put up with so much of her bullshit. Bellamy Blake, the man who didn’t deserve any of it. The man who raised their son. I’m sorry, Bellamy.” The tears pooled in her eyes, her apology not worth enough to him, he deserves more but it’s all she can give him.

“Don’t, Clarke. If you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you. You’re forgiven. But I can’t think about us right now. This is about Jacob.”

“Jacob?” Clarke asked, her voice cracking hoping the name was meant for their son.

“I know we would have talked about naming him after your father, I know how much he meant to you. I know how much he would love his grandson. That is why I chose it, not for you. But the man who accepted me after all the shit I threw at you in the beginning.”

“Still, thank you.”

Clarke watched realization hit Bellamy’s eyes that he was being nice to her, she knew she didn’t deserve it, not after six years. “What do you want?” his words harsh.

“I’m on my way to Wooden Cove, for a meeting—AA—and to see a lawyer. I thought I’d give you the heads up about that.”

“I made an appointment for Thursday.”

“Oh,” Clarke breathed. “Okay, um, I’d like to handle this outside of court, if that’s okay with you. I’m not looking for custody, I’m not that obtuse to think I could win that. I just want to meet him, Jacob,” she smiled when she said his name. She missed her father, knowing that he’s here with her somehow is amazing. Bellamy’s amazing.

“I’d like to stay out of court, too. I think that dealing with Jacob first is better, he should know his mother. But us, I can’t think about that because I don’t know how I feel. I haven’t allowed myself to think about it in four and a half years, around the time I came to the realization that you might never come back."

“That’s understandable, I also understand it if you’ve been with other women, or if you’re even in a relationship right now. You didn’t—you shouldn’t have had to have wait for me. I should have kept in touch, at least let you know where I was at with the program. But you sent my letter back, I couldn’t apologize in person. I couldn’t call you, I needed you to know how sorry I was. By that time, we were separated and I didn’t know if you had moved on and were just being nice about letting me get out of rehab before serving me with divorce papers. I didn’t know where your head space was. I loved you—love you and—“

“You don’t know me. You haven’t been here in six years to know me or your son. You can’t love me if you don’t know me.”

“You’re right, I don’t know what you’ve been through the last six years, and I’m not going to pretend to know. But I do want to get to know you again, if that’s okay. After we settle this about Jacob,” she said his name with a smile, she couldn’t help it, it made her happy.

Bellamy’s jaw clenched, “I’ll consider it.”

“I did think about the both of you every day. It’s not like I just left and forgot about my life.”

“I know, it’s who you are,” he said with a sliver of hope in his eyes, or so she thought, maybe she was seeing things.

“So who you are hasn’t changed either, just certain things?”

“Big things, Clarke. Some you won’t understand.”

Clarke nodded, understanding that Bellamy could have changed, he had the right to. Who was she to stop him? She wasn’t there to keep him with her, where she was emotionally with him. He was allowed to hate her, to want to divorce her. To think rationally instead of jumping back into something that could possibly be toxic for the both of them, let alone a child. It wasn’t fair to any of them to do that.

“Is that it?” he asked.

Clarke nodded again, knowing she’d say something she shouldn’t.

“You look good, Clarke. You deserve to be happy.”

"So do you,” she said looking back up at him, not knowing why it was so difficult to look at him.

“Good luck with your meeting.”

“I’ve been sober since rehab,” she blurted, needing to let him know that she’s serious about her sobriety. “Just want you to know that it’s been six years. I don’t plan on going back and losing them.”

“Okay,” he said dismissively.

Clarke sighed and walked out of his office, getting a weird look from Echo behind the bar. She knew he wasn’t going to make this easy, that’s not who he is but damn it, she just wants him back.

* * *

Clarke sat in a leather chair across from a man in a dark grey pinstripe suit. He was the second best family lawyer in the county, behind Knight Law, which she’d remembered from the separation papers, she couldn’t use Knight Law so she went with the second best. Charles Pike, Attorney at Law.

“We need to be realistic here, Miss Griffin, the odds of you getting full custody of your child is practically nonexistent,” he said, his stupid greying beard bounced with his words.

“Partly why I’m not going for it. I just want visitation right now, I haven’t seen him since he was born, he’s five.”

“And you and your husband have been separated for the same amount of time?”

“Legally, yes, but I was in rehab the last five months of my pregnancy. So about six years physically.”

"Do you still love your husband?” he asked, this man doesn’t show emotion, it’s freaking Clarke out. Shouldn’t he be passionate about his clients’ cases?

“I love who I knew, but people do change over time. I don’t know who he is anymore because I’ve been away for six years and because he’s only shown me anger since I’ve been back.”

“How long have you been back?”

“A week, but I informed him yesterday after I settled in and I told him that I scheduled an appointment with you this morning.”

“So both times you’ve spoken to him, you’ve shocked him. It’s no surprise he’s been angry at you. Six years is an awful long time to spend away from your spouse.”

“It wasn’t like I didn’t think about them every day, I constantly thought about them! They’re my family and I was toxic, I wanted to be better before I came back.”

“Did you let him know that?”

“I sent him a letter once, I was doing the twelve steps and step nine is apologizing for all the wrongs you’ve done. He returned it without opening it. I didn’t try after that.”

“You shouldn’t have had to. Anyway, I believe the most you can truly expect to get is one day a week or every other weekend though sleepovers probably aren’t ideal on Mr. Blake’s end. They may ask to take precautions like supervised visitation, either with a social worker that goes through the State or by Mr. Blake or someone else he trusts your son with if he’s working. You may also need to be breathalyzed before having any contact to make sure your sobriety is intact as well as the councilor of your AA group sign a paper saying that you were there as well as making a certain number of meetings a week a requirement. These are all things I’ve seen first-hand, some could happen or all could happen, it all depends on how much proof he needs to know that you’re serious about your sobriety and being back in your child’s life,” Pike informed her and Clarke suspected it all already but was still hesitant on the precautions. She’s serious about it and will do anything to see her son.

“I’ll do anything they want, I just want to see my son.”

“Okay, we won’t say that. We give them our terms and they’ll counter and we’ll find a middle ground.”

“Or they can give us their requirements and agree to a majority of them but not all of them because I know Bellamy and how ridiculous he’s going to be.”

“Okay, I’ll contact his lawyer about a meeting. You said Knight Law Firm?”

“That’s who he used six years ago, if I know anything about Bellamy, it’s that continuity and loyalty are his two qualities.”

**December 31, 2003:**

“What are you doing?” Octavia asked, running into the room and jumped onto Clarke’s bed, a mess of long brown hair whipping her in the face.

“I was reading about human anatomy, but I have a feeling that it won’t continue,” Clarke smirked, sitting up on her bed. She’s in AP Biology as a junior.

“Correct! Get dressed, we have some shopping to do.”

“Shopping?”

“I fell into some money and need an outfit to impress party goers with.”

“Party?” Clarke quipped.

“Yes, you are aware that it’s New Year’s Eve, right?"

“I was planning on staying in.”

“That’s so lame! Miller is having a party and before you ask, Bell and Murphy convinced him to throw it,” the young brunette smiled and Clarke knew it was a lie.

“Bell?” Clarke scoffed, though she hates Bellamy, she knows he wouldn’t convince someone else to spend an evening with a copious number of people.

“Murphy, Wells, Harper and me,” Octavia conceded, grabbing the open book off Clarke’s bed and placed it on the nightstand.

“That sounds about right though I'm curious as to why you were hanging out with Harper.”

“She and Wells are a thing apparently.”

“Since when?” Clarke grimaced. Wells was her best friend, along with Octavia, why hadn’t he told her?

Octavia shrugged, “Who cares, everyone should be happy, right? Well, I'll be happy with the new H&M sequin dress.”

“Really? The one shoulder sequin dress? It looks uncomfortable.”

“Looks can be deceiving. Please, Clarke, we never go shopping together anymore.”

“That’s because I’m viciously studying, avoiding boy drama, and you’re partying, accumulating boy drama.”

“I study! But Clarkey, it’s winter recess, there’s no reason to study ‘human anatomy’ when there’s no school going on.”

“There are plenty of reasons to study the human anatomy all day every day,” Clarke smirked.

"Okay, gross,” Octavia rolled her eyes and yanked Clarke out of bed to get dressed for the night’s activities.

* * *

Once Clarke and Octavia were both dressed for the evening at Miller’s, Clarke drove them over to his place and nodded their head to the rhythm of the music on their way into the house. Good vibes throughout. They saw Raven in the corner, yelling at Finn. Wells and Harper with the ever lonely Jasper on the couch, Murphy with a girl that didn’t look charmed by his not so charming game or so he claims that’s what it is. Zoe and Sterling were making out outside… when did that happen? Leaving Bellamy and Miller and Bryan in the kitchen idly talking about some college class they’re all taking in the spring.

“What the hell are you wearing, O?” Bellamy asked when he saw them walk in.

“It’s a dress,” she smiled, hugging him tightly.

“It’s a handkerchief,” he countered, taking a sip of his beer.

“You’d know, old man,” Clarke quipped in Octavia’s defense, though she can hold her own against her brother.

“I wouldn’t talk if I were you, you’re wearing just as little.”

“Yes, but mine has sleeves.”

“Looking good, Griffin,” Murphy said, walking past her to the fridge.  
Clarke shuttered, disgusted with Murphy’s words and him in general. "Stuff it, Murphy.”

The next few hours were a haze of dancing, drinking and chatting with everyone and anyone that was there, Clarke and Octavia drifted together and apart, like she did with Wells and Raven, happy they’re friends after all the drama the year before with Finn. But when everyone started counting down and pairing off, Clarke found herself next to Bellamy, in the middle of their second argument of the night, not even paying attention to what everyone else was doing.

“…Four…three…two…” everyone yelled together with Carson Daly and Bellamy just stared down at her instead of rebutting with a smart remark about how Aristotle was left in charge of ethics after Plato’s death, which Clarke knew but still loved to ruffle Bellamy’s feathers and argue the wrong thing, never admitting she’s wrong. “…One. Happy New Year!”

And before Bellamy could argue, before she could even think about it, Clarke leaned up and kissed him. Though being drunk, thinking about it she probably would have thought it was a good idea too, knowing there was no thinking involved with the act.

* * *

**January 1, 2004:**

Clarke woke up the next morning with Wells, Octavia and Raven staring at her. She’s pretty sure she fell asleep on Miller’s couch, knowing very well that she was in no shape to drive home after what she drank but surprisingly hangover free.

“What?” she grumbled, knowing her morning breath had to reek after all that liquor.

“Who’d you kiss at midnight last night?” Wells asked while Raven tried holding back a smile.

“I’d have guessed Jasper, sadly, but by the looks of Raven it was worse and apparently hysterical.”

“I kissed Jasper,” Octavia said with a grimace. Jasper’s had a huge crush on her since they met and that kiss was just going to give the poor guy hope over something that’s never going to happen.

“Okay, so then who did I kiss and why are you making it a big deal?”

“Just watch the video,” Octavia groaned, flipping the phone around to face Clarke.

On the small phone screen Clarke watched as the countdown spread through the room as everyone partnered up and she was screaming at Bellamy on the side of the screen, almost out of the frame. She’d just pushed him when he just stared at her when the countdown hit “three” but didn’t make a move to leave.

The next two seconds were excruciating before the impossible happened. Clarke on the screen, Clarke from eight or so hours ago, kissed Bellamy Blake, she’d slammed into him. She’d knocked him over practically as she forced herself on him.

“Well, damn, I was aggressive.”

“He didn’t exactly push you away,” Raven smirked.

“What, Raven? What is it you’re so desperate to say that you can’t contain yourself?”

“I’m just saying that I called it.”

“Called what? It was New Years, people kiss, it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“Please,” Octavia groaned, rolling her eyes. “My brother has a serious hankering for Clarke and he’s too chicken to ruin your sexual tension filled arguments to do anything about it.”

“Bellamy Blake does not like me, he despises me, calls me ‘princess’ as a dig about my mother’s money. There’s no sexual tension in our arguments, that’s probably the most absurd thing that you’ve said to date.”

“Clarke,” Wells said and her attention snapped to him, knowing he wouldn’t lie to her. “His eyes follow you through a room. He’ll be talking to a girl, convincing her to let him sleep with her while his eyes are on you. If there’s a group hang, his eyes search for you, his jaw tight and shoulders stiff until he sees you walk in."

“I’m with Octavia, he’s probably relieved that she’s okay, it has nothing to do with me,” she fought. Bellamy doesn’t have feelings for her.

“When we go say hi to him, to be polite and sisterly, his eyes are on you, not me. Yes, he commented on what I was wearing last night because it probably distracted him with all the sequins. I’ve worn worse around you and he hadn’t said anything.”

Clarke grabbed the phone from Octavia’s grasp and played the video from where she’d left it.

Bellamy’s hands were on her waist as everyone else was separating and they were still smashed together. But another moment passed and Bellamy pushed her away, his brows knit together, either out of confusion or anger, she couldn’t tell, before he walked away from Clarke and the camera, pushing his mess of inky curls off of his forehead before disappearing into the kitchen. Clarke stood where he’d left her in the living room and looked to the floor before the video stopped, telling her it was the end of the video.

What the hell don’t I remember? Why do I want to do it again, to feel what I felt and don’t remember? To understand everything that she’d just watched? Something, she doesn’t know but she needs it.

In the month that followed, Bellamy avoided her. She’d show up at their house, knowing Octavia would be there in a few minutes, dating Atom against Bellamy’s wishes. And he’d be sitting on the couch or getting a glass of water in the kitchen and Clarke would walk in and he’d disappear into his bedroom, avoiding her at all costs.

She’d see him in town with a brunette, never the same one in the same month and it actually hurt her. She didn’t know why she was jealous of them because she didn’t remember how he kissed her, didn’t know what she’d felt in the few seconds their lips were pressed together that made her want to kiss him again but the feeling was there. Knowing that the kiss happened and not remembering it could probably be the worst part because she wouldn’t have wondered if it had never happened, wouldn’t have known if there weren’t a video. Wouldn’t have cared if her friends just told her that they’d kissed because there was no tangible proof but there was and she can’t deny it happened, the image of them together seared into her brain.

**February 13, 2004:**

The day before Valentine’s day she walked in on him with another brunette, a grade above her, Roma. She hated that she actually knew this one, it hurt more.

“Don’t mind me,” she said while holding back tears, thanking the Gods above that her voice was steady. “Just waiting on your sister, again. Her boyfriend is supposed to be dropping her off.”

“Can’t you wait outside?” he spat back, leaning back against the back of the couch, on the opposite side from Roma.

Clarke picked up the kettle from the stove and filled it from the tap. Turning the burner on and placed the full kettle on it to boil. “It’s below zero, I’d prefer not to freeze, besides, you have a bedroom that you can use instead of the communal couch.”

“I should go,” Roma said, sitting up to look for her shirt in the middle of the floor.

“No, you can stay. Clarke should go.”

“I’m here to study with your sister. She’s supposed to be here but since she’s gotten with Atom, she’s been running late.”

“And with knowing that, you should too,” Bellamy countered.

“What is wrong with you? You’ve never had a problem with me coming over before so why now?” she crossed her arms, now she’s looking for a fight.

“Clarke—“ he growled warningly.

“No, Bellamy, tell me what your problem with me is because I have no clue.”

“You don’t know,” Bellamy grimaced.

“Not a clue, Borus.”

“Roma—“

“See you around,” she nodded and walked out, her shirt already on.

“A slew of brunettes, you’re a fucking cliché, Blake,” Clarke scoffed, turning to reach for a pair of mugs from the cabinet.

“They’re my way of getting a petite blonde out of my head,” he mumbled under his breath, she didn’t hear it. He reached over her and got the mugs for her with an extra one for himself.

“Thanks,” Clarke said, turning to get the hot cocoa powder from the other side of the stove but Bellamy was right there. “I need to get the—“

“Clarke, you need to stop coming here when Octavia isn’t here. You need to stop talking to me when we’re all hanging out. You just need to stop.”

“I haven’t done anything, Bellamy, this is all you. Maybe if you want me to do something totally preposterous, you should give me a good enough reason. Not just demand me to stay away from you while you’re crowding me and boxing me into a corner,” she said frustrated, she’s wanted to be this close to him for six weeks and now that it’s finally happening, he’s telling her to stop being around him. She wasn’t intentionally doing it, she swings by to study with Octavia but Octavia gets a ride home with Atom now so Clarke has to wait for her. If Bellamy really wanted privacy, he would have gone to his bedroom instead of making out with Roma on the living room couch like an impatient teenager.

Clarke was looking anywhere but Bellamy’s face, she knew if she did, she’d be tempted to kiss him again, but he clearly doesn’t want to. He wants brunettes and for her to stay away, he doesn’t want her like she wants him. He doesn’t want her.

He doesn’t want her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was so difficult for me to think of Pike’s first name and every time I went to find it on IMDb I got sidetracked by something stupid on my phone because it's the only place I can write during the week because I work all day. Getting two 30 minute breaks away from the four-year-old nutters I care for. Honestly, working at a daycare is the best form of birth control for anyone that doesn't have their shit together enough to bring a human being they'd have to care for into the world.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed!! Kudos and comments are welcomed and cherished.


	4. The Game Changing Decision of 2004 (and More)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My mother helped me with the title, she’s so sweet. I went to Six Flags on Monday, drove my friends crazy, editing the last chapter on the three-hour drive there. I was very antisocial, though it’s also part of my personality so they also expect it from me, but we haven’t seen each other since August and we used to see each other every day before that so it—yeah, I was wrong but I wanted to post it on time because I’m bad with deadlines.  
> Anyway, I got home and I had the title in my head, already outlined the chapter on my phone on our way back. My friends were arguing so they didn’t notice me on my phone. So I got home and I called my mom, “Chapter title: The Game Changing Decision of 2004 and More. Should the ‘and More’ be in parenthesis?”  
> “J, is this really why you called me at 10 on a Monday night?”  
> “Yes, parenthesis?”  
> “The Game Changing Decision of 2004…why 2004?” I stayed silent because she knows that I don’t like my family reading my stuff or even knowing what I’m working on but do occasionally ask for thoughts while not telling them any key details of the stories. “And More… parenthesis? Yes, it’s a funny rhymey thing.” (This is why I’m the writer in the family)  
> “Thank you, I love you. Have a good night, don’t let the bed bugs bite, I’ll call you at lunch tomorrow to talk,” I then hung up because she had a point, it was 10 pm and I had an early morning due to requesting Monday off to go to Six Flags, but it was worth it! Nitro slayed, I chickened out on the Joker and Kingda Ka, maybe next time and not right after we ate lunch.  
> Anyway, this chapter took me forever, I'm behind schedule, mainly because I bounced around writing the past and the future this week...  
> 

**Februaury 13, 2004**  (con't):

Bellamy looked down at Clarke, she was refusing to look at him. Does she know? Does she remember? She was plastered, how could she? Did anyone see them? They were in a crowded room, people had to have seen them but then why hasn’t he heard anything? They’ve all hung out since New Year’s, he would have heard something about it. Right?

“Will you just do what I ask? It’s my damn house, Griffin,” he’d gotten louder than he anticipated. She frustrates him, challenges him and… damn, is she gorgeous with her fierce blue eyes and perky tits with just the right amount of cleavage at all times.

“It’s your mother’s house, you just help with the bills,” she said to the linoleum.

The kettle whistled, indicating the water was boiling and Bellamy turned the burner off, he wasn’t about to let this situation get away from him.

“My water, my hot chocolate, my propane. You’re using all the things I pay for.”

“Maybe I like using you,” she said, biting her lip and still looking at the floor.

“Clarke,” he said, his voice a few octaves deeper than he intended. He couldn’t help but want her. He tightened his grip on the counter behind her, trying to refrain from touching her. He touches her, he’s done.

She looked up, not at him, but at his bare chest, she looked straight ahead and he felt like she was looking through him.

“Put a damn shirt on, Bellamy,” she said then looked over his shoulder with a huff.

He then noticed the blush creeping up her neck to her cheeks and smirked. “Why? It’s comfortable, it was hot in here with a shirt on, aren’t you hot? You look a little flushed,” he teased, knowing better but he couldn’t resist.

“Shut up,” she breathed, glancing at him before fixing her eyes back over his shoulder.

What if she knows? What if she’s been thinking about it and interrupting his afternoons on purpose, wanting him to spend them with her instead? Should he tell her? Fuck it, give her the reason she needs to stay away from him. “I was sober,” he said, possibly hinting at the topic.

“What?” Clarke asked, her brows knit together.

“New Years.”

“Oh,” she sighed. “You had a beer in your hand all night.”

“I had two beers, I was not drunk or at any loss of control.”

“So you know… you _remember?”_ she asked as though it was a foreign concept, the memory.

“You don’t?” Bellamy grimaced, hoping she did for some reason.

“No, Octavia showed me the video, did you know there’s a video? I—I wouldn’t have believed them if they’d told me but _seeing_ it is different, you know?”

“Octavia saw it?” he grimaced again, Octavia hasn’t said a word to him. Who else saw this video and why haven’t they said anything about it to him?

“Yeah, she wasn’t even phased by it and—“

He watched something click in Clarke’s brain and suddenly she was kissing him. Her soft pink lips smashed harshly against his and he knew he should push away. Whether he wanted it or not he should push away. She’s sixteen, he’s twenty-one, it’s illegal. But he pulled her closer, kissed her deeper, stroking his tongue against her lips, gaining entrance. She tasted better this time, like coffee and peppermint instead of cheap booze and cocktail weenies. He had the urge to remind her of their first kiss but she turned her head away before he could fully remind her.

“What the hell are we doing?” Clarke breathed, pushing him away.

“We were kissing,” he huffed in annoyance, just wanting her lips back.

“Why’d you kiss me back?”

“The same reason why I’ve pushed you away the last six weeks. Clarke, you’re sixteen and I’m twenty-one, I could go to jail. I need to get my masters. You’re also Octavia’s best friend, that’d be awkward and would put her in a position if we break up because you’re not a hit it and quit it girl, you’re a long term princess, so if we break up she’d have to choose a side and she’ll choose mine because, well, I raised her.”

“You want to date me?” she asked, looking up in his eyes.

“No. Yes,” Bellamy growled. “That’s not what I said, I _can’t_ , Clarke.”

“Because I’m sixteen and your little sister’s best friend,” she reiterated back to him.

“Yes.”

“That’s bullshit, Bellamy, and you know it. Man up and ask my dad if that’s what you’re so concerned about.”

“Your dad hates me.”

“My mom hates you, my dad wants me happy.”

Bellamy shook his head, knowing that her father would never approve. Bellamy is too old, too much of a fuck up to be good enough for the only Griffin heiress. He had two more years of college to get his masters and she’d be a freshman and legal age, they could try then. He could wait two years. He could.

She leaned up and kissed his cheek before leaving to go to Octavia’s room.

* * *

**September 1, 2016:**

Bellamy sat across from Indra, she called him in an hour earlier, just to talk over the points they’ll discuss with Clarke and her lawyer, Charles Pike, who were coming in at his original appointment time. Indra prefers to get everything out in the open as soon as possible. According to Indra he’s a real hardass and won’t take something to court if she won’t win.

But to Bellamy, this wasn’t about winning or losing and Indra understood that. She’s been in his life for six years, thanks to Octavia, she knows Bellamy and knows that he wants Clarke in Jacob’s life. Of course he does, he also just wants to be cautious. Clarke said she hasn’t drank in six years but Bellamy knows how insignificant words can be in this world.

“Breathalyzer, supervised visits, and only on Saturdays,” Indra said to Clarke and Pike after they got through the pleasantries.

“Okay,” Clarke said and Pike cleared his throat.

“Is the breathalyzer really necessary?”

“Would you like her to have the AA coordinator sign a piece of paper confirming her attendance too? We can add that to the list.”

“Pike, it’s fine, I’ll even do the AA confirmation. I just want Bellamy to know how seriously I’m taking this,” she said to her lawyer.

“That’s not the issue, Clarke, you know that,” Bellamy told her and grimaced, leaning back in his chair in the grandiose conference room.

“I do, just—who’d be supervising?”

“Me, Raven, maybe your mother. Does she know you’re back?”

“My mom’s seen Jacob? Wait, you talk to my mother?” she asked angrily.

“She has him Fridays and Saturdays.”

“Bellamy, how—I’ll tell her I’m back.”

“She married Kane. I’m going to need your number to make arrangements.”

“Of course, are you going to tell Octavia?”

“She doesn’t need to know until she needs to know.”

“So, I have to avoid town?”

“No, she’s here ten hours of the day and then she goes home, Lincoln takes care of the girls, he doesn’t know who you are so you should be fine.”

“She’s a lawyer?”

“Yeah, apparently my time here with Indra six years ago convinced her of the joys of working the legal system,” Bellamy rolled his eyes, wondering why he’s telling her so much about his life and why she wants to know and why the hell aren’t their lawyers talking for them.

“Bellamy,” Indra said, looking pointedly at the papers.

“Yeah.”

“We drew up an agreement, I’m assuming you want to look over it,” Indra said, directed at Pike.

“Yes,” he said, dragging the papers across the table. It took him a few minutes but told Clarke that it was good and she could sign. “One day a week.”

“What day?” she asked and Bellamy thought for a moment before speaking.

“Saturdays, I’ll pick him up from your mother around one, like usual and bring him to either the park or Raven’s, like usual. I’m not changing his routine just because you decided to come back.”

“Well, if I had it on good authority that you’d read a letter, I’d have sent one, but ‘return to sender,’ that’s shitty.”

 “It was five years ago, get over it!” Bellamy spat, she’s being ridiculous and his protecting his son this is going to be messy and Bellamy doesn’t want messy with Clarke. Not anymore, not with Jacob in the picture.

“’Get over it’? Get over my husband ignoring me? I was fixing myself to come home, I needed support, not damn separation papers!”

“Well, maybe if I was consulted about you leaving. You _left_ without a word with my unborn child, what was I supposed to do? Smile five months later like I wasn’t worried sick about you the entire time, thinking you were possibly dead and I wouldn’t have the one thing that I’ve always wanted in life? I have him and I’m willing to share with his mother _if_ she deserves it. There is a clause stating that I have the right to take visitation away if I believe it’s in Jacob’s best interest.”

“You have that right, but I’m not going to screw up,” she said sternly, she meant it.

He hoped she wouldn't, for Jacob’s sake, every child deserves both parents whether they get along or not. It’s not about their differences, it’s about their child. Always. That’s the best thing his mother’s taught him while growing up. You can’t do it alone.

* * *

“You what?” Raven exclaimed across the kitchen island from him, guacamole spewing across it.

“Volunteered you for Saturday Clarke and Jake duty.”

“Uh, you’ve got to be kidding me. I’d have preferred a meet/cute with her before getting between her and you and your son. You suck.”

“Rae, please, I can’t tell Octavia, you know that. And Jake loves his Auntie Rae,” Bellamy smirked, hoping it would work.

“That’s because he can actually pronounce it unlike Auntie Tava.”

“I actually taught him that, knowing it would drive her nuts. Four years strong and holding!”

Raven laughed, “That doesn’t make up for Clarke duty.”

“It’s just Saturday afternoons, I get Jake, spend some time at the park or with you and the guys, take him back before work. Just this time I can’t be around her because we fought in front of the lawyers.”

“Embarrassed in front of Indra? Shocker,” Raven deadpanned, scooping more guacamole into her mouth.

“Clarke hired Pike.”

“She doesn’t know your history with him, the bar. That was when Abby and Kane had Jake most of the time, you don’t need to give her ammo.”

“Ammo? He can tell her, I’m not his client, she is.”

“He’s an ass but he won’t risk jail time by letting the cat out of the bag. You were the one here for Jake, you’re good, Blake.”

Bellamy nodded, still ashamed of everything he did to get the bar. He still didn’t understand why he wanted it so badly, his wife’s an alcoholic, why would he want to buy a bar? “Free drinks for a month.”

“Free drinks every night I do it for you on top of the month because if she’s back, she thinks she’s ready and will be here for longer than a month. You prepared for what might come with that?”

“Fine, and Clarke is my problem, I’ll deal with her.”

“Good, I mean I’ll talk to her but the whole Octavia mess is the real problem.”

“And Jake possibly not liking his own mother.”

“He’ll love her, he loves everyone, he’s like his Auntie Tava like that.”

Bellamy shook his head, it’s funny hearing it come from Raven. “Thank you, Raven. I’ll try to get out early, it’s all depending on Echo coming in early.”

“Tell her I’ll beat her ass if she doesn’t,” she said swinging a chip full of guacamole around.

“You’re going to Miller’s Sunday?”

“Yeah, Octavia and Lincoln are going to be late so you can give everyone the talk about not telling O about Clarke.”

“Who else knows?”

“Monty told us at lunch right after you first found out.”

“Monty doesn’t even know her.”

“He said blonde and you’re into brunettes, we deduced it down to your wife, Murphy is a detective and Miller is a suspense novelist, they deal with clues all the time.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, they’re his best friends somehow and knew they have his back but calling Murphy a detective was a joke, there’s nothing for him to snuff out here in Arkadia, and Miller has been writing his Great American novel for five years now so Bellamy isn’t calling him a novelist until it’s in publication and he has a book tour because people are demanding on meeting him. Even a movie based off his book, Bellamy would even settle for that.

* * *

Miller hated the first week of school, hated going through the syllabus with five classes and making sure they’re aware that he’s a hard ass for their benefit. If you fail sophomore English, you’re not going to college, you can’t even get into Arkadia State. He almost found that out the hard way, thanks to Bellamy and Murphy skipping their History class which was the same period as his English class to smoke in the back of the senior parking lot. He knew blaming his friends for his failure would be a cop out and he knew better, his father raised him better than that. It’s one of the reasons he became a sophomore English teacher to help these kids, but he hated the first month of school, hated figuring out which of his hundred or so students were the ones that needed his help.

But it’s not Tuesday yet, he has all weekend to get through, Lincoln and Octavia are going camping with their girls so Bellamy, Miller, Raven and Harper are going to his place with Monty for a party on Sunday. Bellamy’s bringing Jake, he always does, and everyone loves the little guy, he’s funny in that way that kids are when they don’t know what’s going on. But before any of that he has a mandatory Welcome Back meeting at work in the auditorium.

He walked in the room and walked down to the front row where he saw Harper, the Earth Science teacher. She spent her summer in Nicaragua doing aid work.

“Nathan!” she exclaimed, hugging him tightly before pulling away just as swiftly. “Clarke, you remember—“

“Miller. How could I forget Bellamy’s best friend?”

“He’s dating this awesome tech guy—“

“She met him,” Miller said, cutting Harper off and Clarke gave him a quizzical look, wondering who. “Monty, the guy next to you at the bar when you went to the Dropship.”

“You went to the Dropship?” Harper asked, concerned.

“Yeah, no, Monty, I remember, he was nice. I think Bell’s attitude freaked him out a little bit, but I do remember him.”

“He only told me, Murphy and Raven, it won’t get back to her.”

“You said Murphy, it’s going to get out.”

“No, he’s—he’s changed,” Miller grimaced, Murphy didn’t trade secrets anymore, he can’t as a detective.

“We still say ‘Shut up, Murphy’ around a dozen times a month, but he will keep a secret,” Harper said. “But you’re okay with going to the Dropship?”

“I wasn’t okay with bars for a long time, but I’m in a place now where I accept that I can’t control everything and if something I can control doesn’t turn out how I planned that I shouldn’t get upset about it. Emotions are fleeting, what’ll bother me today, won’t be a big deal tomorrow.”

“That’s a different way of thinking, though it’s true.”

“So do you know if you can see Jacob yet?” Miller asked, he didn't want to talk about the past with Clarke.

“Yeah! Actually, Bellamy and I met with lawyers yesterday. I’m going to see him Saturday afternoons.”

“At your mom’s?”

Clarke shook her head, “I still haven’t told her, don’t know how long that’ll be. The same for Octavia. I know she’s going to be furious, but Bellamy doesn’t want her to know so we aren’t telling her.”

“And if she sees you in town?”

“Bellamy says she’s always busy with work or the girls and Lincoln so she probably won’t. If it does happen, I’ll probably come into work the next day with a black eye and busted lip, deserving both.”

“No one deserves that,” Harper said and Principal Wallace stepped up onto the stage to begin his speech and the three old friends sat down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please comment and kudos, they push me along and make me work harder. :)


	5. How Does One Simply Dive In?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke meets Jacob!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay!!! There has been so much stuff going on at work and with my car and just life smacking me in the face and making me void of emotions. But I still somehow produced three one-shots because well, they're easier to stay in because they're shorter and when I'm emotionally void, I can only focus for the two days it takes me to write them. I read and reread this story to get back into it and tried my best now that things have calmed down somewhat. So, here's Chapter Five, I hope it was worth the wait.

**September 10, 2016:**

Clarke knocked on the green door, not knowing whose address it was, Raven’s or Bellamy’s. The door swung open and Raven stood in the threshold. She looked good, her hair shorter with red tips, she looked good considering the news about Wells.

“Hey,” Clarke breathed, not realizing that she was holding her breath.

“Don’t. I’m lying to Octavia and Abby for you, for Jacob. Don’t think we’re friends,” Raven said sternly, letting Clarke in.

“Okay,” she said, stepping inside the house.

“He’s in the kitchen, I set up some crafts for the three of us. Bellamy might come if he can get out of work.”

“Okay.”

“I know it’s been six years, but I know your vocabulary expands past two words.”

“What do you want me to say, Raven? That I’m sorry? I’m not, I needed to be sober, I’m not going to come back half fixed and mess everything up with Jacob. I get one shot at a first impression. I wasn’t ready until now so here I am.”

“You still have to prove it, Clarke. You can’t just say that you changed, you have to prove it. Let’s get this over with,” Raven turned and walked down the hallway and Clarke followed.

She froze in the doorway. The kitchen emulated Raven, red walls, black cabinets and counter tops and stainless steel appliances. This was Raven’s house, no doubt about it. But Clarke’s attention was drawn to the boy with shaggy hair that was so dark it was as though it was doused in printer ink. He was bent over the table drawing with a green crayon so it was all Clarke could see and she just knew that he was Bellamy’s son, his hair and olive skin were a dead giveaway. But then he looked up and smiled at Raven, his striking blue eyes twinkling. He has Clarke’s eyes.

“Hey, buddy, this is an old friend of Daddy’s, her name is Clarke and she’s been dying to meet you since she moved back,” Raven said as she walked to the opposite side of the room and pulled a glass out of a cabinet and filled it from the tap.

“Hi,” he said with a weak smile.

“Hi,” Clarke said, her heart breaking a little. She’s missed so much with him, she can’t make any of it up to him. How could he ever forgive her? He’s half of her and she still hasn’t forgiven her mom about how everything went down after her father passed, how could Jacob forgive her? “What are you drawing?”

“A puppy.”

“A puppy, huh? What kind?”

Jacob shrugged, “Daddy won’t let me get a puppy, he says they’re too much work and with his hours, it’s not a good idea.”

“Well, what about Grandma? I heard she and your grandpa have a doggy.”

“They did, she died.”

Clarke grimaced, grabbing a chair to sit across from Jacob. “That’s too bad. What if they get a new one?”

“A puppy? Would they let me help pick him out?” his blue eyes wide with excitement.

“I’m sure they would. Am I allowed to draw you?”

“You can draw people? I can’t.”

“Well, if you say I can draw you, I’ll give you the drawing to show your daddy.”

“Clarke,” he said slowly. “Daddy’s talked about you with Grandma.”

Clarke began drawing Jacob with one of the crayons on the table, her eyes darting between the page and his face, “That is because I was close to your dad and Aunt Raven.”

Jacob grew quiet and Clarke knew it was less to do with the conversation than it did with watching her draw him and the kitchen in the background. Clarke bounced back and forth between drawing him in assorted crayons and the pinwheel craft that Raven choose and they didn’t stop until they heard the front door slam loudly.

“Daddy!” Jacob exclaimed, getting out of the seat and ran around the table to give Bellamy a hug. “Clarke is drawing me, do you want to see?”

“She is?” he asked as Clarke turned in her chair to see the two together, Jacob in Bellamy’s arms and her heart swelled. How could she have missed this for five and a half years? “Of course I want to see! Did you know that Clarke went to school for art?”

“Like you and history.”

“Yes, but she’s actually using her degree.” Bellamy looked away from their son and at Clarke for the first time that day and Clarke thought she saw some admiration in his eyes but if it was there, it quickly dissipated. “Clarke,” he nodded.

“Bellamy.”

“How was your first week?”

“Good, I forgot how different the school systems are depending on the state, I was used to Massachusetts art program, this is different, but I found something that worked.”

“That’s good, and you know, Miller is there if you need any help. He told me you guys met at the faculty welcome back meeting.”

“Yeah, Harper too, they caught me up on a few things.”

“Daddy, dinner?” Jacob pushed, bouncing in Bellamy’s arms so he put him down.

“Rae?”

“Four mouths, Bellamy.”

“Right, I got it.”

“No," Clarke said, interjecting. "I can go or pay for delivery or something. Not that I want to leave, I just don’t want to put anyone out more than I already have.”

“Talk to Abby?” Raven asked and Clarke’s eyes darted to the floor.

“Rae, come on, she’s been back a week,” Bellamy defended.

“And you’re already defending her. After what she did—“

Bellamy cut her off by calling his son’s name abruptly. “We’re going back to Grandma’s. Okay?”

“Are you serious? You’ve seen her, what, four times and she already has you wrapped around her finger?”

“Raven, I haven’t—I didn’t have him—“ Clarke said, thinking about all their times together, how Bellamy acted around her, not necessarily for her but also exactly that in a sense.

“You did, Clarke! Whether you knew it or not, you did. And here he is, fighting your battles for you again.”

“I didn’t know. How was I supposed to know that his actions were for me? I didn’t ask him to stand up for me, he just did. We can argue this for _hours_ and get nowhere, Raven, but it’s too exhausting and a complete waste of time when I have a meeting I should be getting to.”

Clarke looked around the room for her son and Bellamy but neither were there. She looked out the back window and it was empty aside from the potbelly pig Raven insisted on adopting a few months after Maya’s death. Clarke frantically ran to the front of the house where she looked out the front door to see the boys reading on the navy blue bench swing that Clarke painted after Bellamy built for Raven. She hates what she’s done to her friends and family but she’s trying to be friends with them again.

She went back into the kitchen to get her sweater, phone and keys, looking at the unfinished crayon drawing of her son. She wants to finish it. She wants him to have it. Wants him to have some part of her whether he knew who she was to him or not. She grabbed it too and left the angry Raven that was bent over the counter, not looking at her or anyone else that could possibly get in.

Clarke walked out of the house and saw the cover of the book, Harry Potter. Clarke smirked, Bellamy was a secret Harry Potter fan, only geeked out over it in front of Clarke and she _knows_ that he already has the new one, _Harry Potter and the Cursed Child_ , it’s so Bellamy.

“Hey,” she smiled weakly, shoving her phone in her pocket, the only thing she brought in the house besides her car keys.

“You’re leaving?” Bellamy asked and Jacob looked up at her.

“Yeah, I’m not exactly welcome around Raven, if you couldn’t tell.”

He nodded, “At least she waited for me, he’s not used to people yelling.”

“You and Abby don’t—“

“We’re different, you know, you’ve witnessed. We came to an agreement where he’s involved, but I haven’t told her about you coming back because you have to. I should have made that a stipulation.”

Clarke sighed, “I’m settling in still, I’ll do it by Friday.”

Bellamy nodded then turned to Jacob, “Hey, Clarke is leaving, will you go give her a hug goodbye?”

Jacob smiled widely, wiggling off Bellamy’s lap and ran the short distance to Clarke, wrapping his arms around her legs, she didn’t even have the chance to kneel to hug him.

“Is that the drawing you did of me?” he asked, stepping back so Clarke fell to her knees to talk to him at eye level.

“Yes, I’m going to finish it at home and give it to your uncle Miller to give to you.”

“Uncle Miller isn’t my real uncle, that’s Uncle Lincoln.”

“I know, I was friends with your dad and Miller before you were born. You are very smart, Miller will bring this back to you on Monday, okay?”

Jacob hugged Clarke around her neck and she hugged him back, sneaking a peek at Bellamy behind him, he was watching them but he didn’t look happy but he also wasn’t angry or upset, she couldn’t read his expression.

“I like you,” Jacob said softly.

“I like you too. Would you be okay with hanging out with me every Saturday afternoon?” she asked him with a smile.

“Yes! Daddy please?” he turned to Bellamy behind him.

“Sounds good to me,” Bellamy smiled at the miniature version of him and Clarke was so overwhelmed she thought she would cry. She can’t cry, she can’t look crazy or irrational.

“Then I’ll see you next week, tell me where you hang the picture up, okay?” she smiled at Jacob before standing. “Thank you, Bellamy.”

“Don’t thank me, thank Raven. She agreed, sorry you can’t stay.”

“Can w—God, I’m sorry, I can’t ask that question yet, can I?”

“No, I’d give it a month or two, depending on when you talk to Abby.”

Clarke nodded. “We’re going to get over this awkwardness, right?”

“That’s the plan.”

“I have something for you. It’s—something I thought you’d like, I waited in line for like five hours to get it. I’ve had it for about three years, still hoped that you’d—“ Clarke’s eyes darted down to Jacob. Bellamy was supposed to be the one to tell him, Clarke can’t ruin that.

“Thank you, I—talk to Abby, then we’ll talk about hanging out without distractions,” he nodded towards Jacob.

Clarke nodded, it’s the least she could do, agreeing to his terms whether she wanted to or not.

**October 31, 2004:**

“What the _hell_ are you supposed to be?” Raven chuckled at Clarke when she got in the car. She was dressed as a cat. “I’m a cat burglar!” she exclaimed later with everyone around.

Clarke’s brown wig itched like crazy but she finally had it positioned just right so itching it would have to wait for a mirror. “It’s a surprise. Everyone will find out when we're all together," Clarke told her as she drove off towards Wells’ house for his annual Halloween party. Frankly, Clarke was nervous about her costume, it’s mean though highly accurate and she was furious so it’s well deserved… in her opinion.

 _If she’s there I won’t do it, I’ll just say I’m Jennifer Garner in Daredevil, same look,_ Clarke decided once the wig was on earlier in the evening.

Best friend and girlfriend duties involved being the first to the party to help with the finishing touches. So they walked into the large white mansion as Wells was putting up some decorations in a Batman costume. Clarke shook her head at the Batman and Catwoman costumes they claim to not have planned.

An hour and a Wells reprimand later and the party was in full swing. Their main crew hanging out in Thelonious’s study talking costumes and favorite candy when Prince Bellamy and Blue Fairy Octavia walked in. Both stag.

“Hey!” Officer Miller and The Joker Murphy called when they saw him, Clarke shrank next to Wells, the only one who noticed.

“Don’t let him ruin your night,” he told her.

“Eight and a half months, I’m over it. He’s with Roma, whatever.”

“I’ve known you your whole life, you’re not over it.”

“Oh, is that why Lexa broke up with me last month? Because she knew?” Clarke scoffed. “Come on, Wells, I’m fine.”

“You’re in denial, you won’t even admit that something happened.”

“What? A kiss at midnight on New Year’s? Please, it didn't mean anything.”

Wells grimaced, “You haven’t spoken to him since February. If you think that we haven’t noticed, we have. There’s a running bet as to when it’ll end.”

“Murphy or Jasper?”

“I think it happened at the same time, Easter maybe.”

“Easter? That was a good six weeks after he and I stopped talking, though we never really talked, always argued.”

“Which means they should have noticed sooner, but I think everyone was reveling in the lack of headaches the arguments brought.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “I’m going to get another drink, maybe you should check and see if anyone’s ruined your father’s shit.”

Wells shook his head as Clarke turned to leave the stuffy room.

“Clarke, wait!” Octavia called, Clarke’s barely spoken to her since February and she felt guilty about it but everything was just awkward at the Blake residence since the whole Bellamy thing. “What are you?” O smirked at her.

Clarke looked at Wells and Raven then Jasper and Harper, the expectant looks on their faces. She refused to look at him, refused. She’s an idiot, why would she do this? Why would she use a year old movie character as a cover for the truth? “Doesn’t matter.”

“Clarke, the bigger deal you make it, the more we’re going to want to know and then we’re just going to start guessing and it’ll be a running joke for our entire friendship, ‘Clarke’s Halloween costume 2004, go…’ It’ll be a game, do you want to be a game?” Miller goaded.

“Bellamy’s type,” she said as though it was nothing, because he means nothing to her. The more she thinks it the less she believes it.

“What?” Bellamy grimaced at her.

“Are you deaf? I said, my costume is your fucking type. The stupid, slutty brunettes that you toss to the side and treat like shit because you don’t know how to treat a woman right!”

“You would know, you couldn’t even keep one.”

“Fuck you, Bellamy!” she cried, it was a low blow, using Lexa against her, though she used all his conquests against him with a fucking wig. She stormed out of the room, the music crashing against her eardrums as she pushed through the crowd, trying to get to the kitchen and barely heard his “You wish, Princess,” retort.

The worst part was, she did wish.

“My type?” Bellamy growled in her ear as she was unscrewing the cap off her pumpkin Sam Adams a few minutes later. The expanse of his body pressed against Clarke’s backside.

“A brunette that tries too hard,” she stated, everyone knows his type.

“It’s your type too, sweetheart. Finn, Lexa, me.”

“You? You were nothing, a pair of lips on New Years and a feeling of loneliness on Valentine’s Day. At least that’s what you told Roma I was to you.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth,” she countered and his hands gripped the counter in front of her. She wished she didn’t see them because she’s thinking about his hands, they’re touching her, making her feel good and she won’t ever have that with him.

“Clarke, I—“

“Whatever, Bellamy,” she pushed against him, getting free. “Go find your girlfriend since you want friction that bad.”

“Clarke!” he growled after her. She needs space or maybe someone to have fun with but no one here because Wells goes to a private school for the children of diplomats. They’re not a fun crew.

She took a sip of her beer when the music cut out and a number of people booed. She kept heading towards the study to find her friends.

“Clarke Griffin,” his voice boomed through the large house making her freeze in place. “You are a pain in the ass. You haven’t spoke to me in eight months making my sister, your best friend, suffer for it. Talk to me. Talk to her, just stop acting like nothing affects you!”

“Me? You lied to me. Or Roma, who’d you lie to, Bellamy? Please, tell me which one of us you lied to because you’re lying to someone. Maybe you’re lying to yourself. I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m done!” Clarke exclaimed, yanking the wig off her head and threw it towards him, landing on a girl in a Poison Ivy costume who exclaimed a profanity that Clarke didn't hear, she was done. Wells didn't want Bellamy to ruin her night? Too fucking late for that.

She walked into the study where their friends just gawked at her. “What?” she snapped at them.

“Who had Halloween?” Murphy asked casually.

Octavia raised her hand in response to Murphy while asking, “What the hell is going on, Clarke?”

“Ask your brother, he’s the liar.”

“I’m asking you because he hasn’t given me an answer for eight months. What happened?”

“He’s a lying, ultimatum-giving asshole.”

“I meant the ultimatum,” he said softly behind her. “Now that I know what you’re angry about, can you at least let me explain it?”

“What?”

“Okay, not here.”

“So it can be another lie you tell? No, I want witnesses.”

Bellamy groaned, not wanting to do this in public, not that Clarke wanted their friends to know everything between them but it was the best option to avoid lies.

“I didn’t know what you would say, you were given a choice and we left it at that. I was giving you time to choose. So I was just supposed to stop everything else? Sit and wait around for your decision?” he scoffed. “You and I both know how unfair that would be if you’d asked me to do that. Hell, it’s been eight months!”

“You said I was _nothing_ , Bellamy, like it was so easy to just toss me away, but then again, you didn’t kiss me. You didn’t initiate a damn thing, you just let it happen and walked away like you always do.”

“Roma asked me what happened after she left that day and I told her it was nothing, was I supposed to tell her? Would you have wanted me to? It was none of her business, just like it’s none of theirs,” he gestured to their friends behind her. “But she kept prodding, because she’s Roma and she's annoying, so I responded out of annoyance, and I channeled my inner Miller and Murphy and gave her a sarcastic douchey answer. A pair of lips on the two loneliest holidays, who wouldn’t believe that? I mean, Jesus, Clarke, you believed it and I wasn’t even talking to you when I said it.”

“Wait, you guys kissed? Again,” Octavia asked, horrified.

Bellamy roller his eyes at his sister and huffed “Could we please talk somewhere else?” at Clarke.

Clarke looked at Wells next to her, she couldn’t read his expression but somehow knew what he would say so she turned back to Bellamy.

“Fine,” Clarke conceded, letting Bellamy lead her upstairs to the spare bedroom that Clarke used when she was too tired to drive home.

She stared out the window at the softly lit backyard, the green kidney-shaped pool cover had red and yellow leaves dusted over it, matching the lush lawn. Bellamy paced the room behind her. “What, Bellamy?”

“I thought you changed your mind, I gave you an ultimatum like an idiot and I thought you changed your mind. Echo and I broke up because she knew I wasn’t all in with her because I always thought about what went wrong with you and all we did was kiss twice. This isn’t us, Clarke. We argue, always get our feelings and opinions heard by each other. Not talking?” he scoffed. “It’s not us!”

“Us?” she asked, turning around to look at him, realizing she’d left the room a mess last time she was here. She hadn't stayed there since Raven started seeing Wells.

“It's still what I want,” he breathed, his hand running through his hair, pushing the crown off his head to the floor, rolling into the corner. “That is the only way I could ever be your prince, if I dressed up like one for Halloween.”

Clarke scoffed, since when was Bellamy so loquacious? “I’m not a princess, Your Highness.”

“No, but you are my _type_.”

“We’re idiots?” she asked, because she was afraid of what they would be if they weren’t.

“Without a doubt,” he smirked.

“I’m barely seventeen, Bellamy.” Her birthday just a few weeks away.

“I don’t care anymore, Clarke,” he said closing the distance between them and leaned down. He wrapped his arms around her waist as his lips pressed softly against hers. She loves that about him, that he plays himself off as a tough, rugged asshole, then when he finally lets you into his heart, he’s soft and genuine, lets you see what’s really underneath all the bravado. Even when there’s pure lust behind his eyes, need and fervor, he waits until you give him the silent okay to break the dam holding him back and all hell breaks loose and you see him in his natural habitat.

But that night, even if Clarke had the chance to give him that okay, he wouldn’t have taken it, they didn’t need to give their friends more ammunition than they already have. He wasn’t about to let them use her as a punch line so he grudgingly pulled away before she had the chance.

“We’re not telling them,” Clarke stated, as they walked out of the room.

“Okay,” Bellamy smirked, he likes sneaking around. Actually, he probably likes everything that Clarke suggests. “Only if you say yes to Friday night.”

“Are you going to tell my dad?”

“Yes, I’ll pick you up at your house and do the whole your father threatening my life thing.”

Clarke laughed, “He will.”

**September 27, 2016:**

Okay, so maybe giving herself a week was being a little too demanding on her part. Just the thought of talking to her mother drove Clarke to drink and she couldn’t do that, not with so much on the line. Jacob and Bellamy, she can’t lose them, not after just getting them back. Not after knowing what they look like together.

So, per Bellamy’s request, Clarke decided to just bite the bullet while hoping that maybe, because it was a Tuesday, everything would settle down by Saturday when she’s meeting Jacob and Bellamy in the park. Bellamy plays basketball with the guys every other Saturday and Raven typically brings Jacob to play there so Clarke was going too, Raven was nicer three days ago than she was at the first Saturday and Clarke hoped that it wasn’t because Bellamy reprimanded her. Clarke knew that Raven was a strong, independent and opinionated woman, she wouldn’t ask her to change just because Clarke made a beneficial decision that no one else agreed with. Sure, it was a selfish decision, getting sober, making sure her son was born healthy and not with abnormalities or deformities, but she thought that Bellamy would understand, at least that part of it. Then he handed her separation papers and she knew he didn’t understand, just thought that Clarke abandoned him. She tried holding out giving birth until Bellamy got there but they told her that he didn’t want to see her. She could have been stronger with him there, not just for Jacob’s birth but talking to her and being there with her, she could have been strong for him, both of them, but he wouldn’t do that for her. Maybe he didn’t know, maybe he was hurting too, but by her instead of the people of Arkadia. But she’s here now and he’s somewhat willing. He is right?

 _Okay, Clarke, stop stalling and go talk to her,_ she thought to herself and grudgingly got out of her car and headed to the front door of Arkadia Memorial Hospital.

“How may I help you?” the girl at the front desk asked.

“Um, I’m looking for Doctor Abigail Griffin.”

“May I ask who’s looking for her?”

“Her daughter, Clarke Griffin-Blake.”

The girl’s eyes widened and picked up the phone in front of her and dialed a number. “Dr. Griffin, your daughter is here to see you… Griffin-Blake, yes…I’ll send her up,” she hung up the phone and looked at Clarke. “She;s in post-op and asked if you would meet her in her office, West 4.”

“I remember the way, thank you,” Clarke smiled, taking the visitors pass the girl held out to her.

Up in her mother’s office, that hasn’t changed in twenty years, Clarke went to the wall of pictures that held photos of her and her father and Wells and O from when they were kids. But the pictures have obviously changed, instead of her father, there was Marcus Kane. Instead of Wells and Octavia, there was Jacob. Photos from Clarke’s childhood were still scattered across the wall, but none of her and Bellamy, none of her and her father or even Bellamy with Jacob. It’s like the three people in her life live three separate lives that don’t intersect. Who lives like that? How could she forget about her husband? How could she get rid of all traces of her life before ten years ago? Everything aside from Clarke. It was as through Abigail Griffin has started a new life and didn’t care about anything before ten years ago.

The door opened behind Clarke as she gaped at the wall of photos. “Clarke?”

Clarke spun on her heels and glared at her mother. “Where’s Dad?”

Abby sighed, “It’s been six years, Clarke and the first thing you say to me is ‘where’s Dad’?”

“I’m certainly not going to congratulate you on your marriage to Dad’s best friend.”

“Fine, so you’re back?”

“Yes.”

Abby crossed the room to her desk and sat down, “And Bellamy?”

“You suddenly care about him? You have no pictures of him either. Six years, surprised you still have pictures of me.”

“You’re being irrational, honey.”

“Me? I’m not the one acting like my husband and son-in-law don’t exist! Oh, right, you never liked Bellamy.”

“I love Bellamy! He’s the father of my grandson, it’s you I don’t know. You used to be so rational.”

“That’s because I was like you, logical instead of passionate, that’s not a way to live life! Emotions are natural, you can’t just walk around like nothing can affect you because odds are they do and ignoring them just makes everything worse.”

“Clarke, honey, I’m not against you. I didn’t forget your father, I’m celebrating life, I don’t have any pictures of Bellamy so he isn’t up there. Your father—I could never forget him, he was a good man and I loved him. I’m not replacing him or asking you to call Marcus dad, I’m not that obtuse. I love you and I’m hoping you’re open to coming by the house for dinner with me and Marcus. I don’t want us to live separate lives, okay? You’re my daughter and I want the best for you.”

“Yeah, okay, I’m focusing on work and Jacob right now but soon. I’m sorry I was defensive, it’s just—“

“The room brought back memories? For me too, seeing you looking at the pictures, you always have,” Abby stood and walked around the desk to her daughter. “I love you, honey.”

Clarke nodded, looking at the baby Jacob, wanting to cry, she's missed too much. “I wished he’d have just talked to me. I—if he did, I would have come back, I just needed his support and help to keep me sober. Now he owns the bar.”

“That or Starbucks. His intentions were good, he's slowly turning it into a restaurant. He's trying, Clarke. All he knew was heartbreak until you and then you do it all over again, a deeper, dirtier wound than he anticipated. He's good with Jacob around, I see that he loves him and I saw the hurt in his eyes when he remembered that you left. It's a production, a show he puts on so you think he’s okay until he's not.”

Clarke didn't say anything, couldn't because there was nothing to say. She left to get better, he hurt her and she hurt him and they kept doing it. No matter how much either of them cared, their prides were in the way until Clarke conceded, to an extent. She just wanted her family back. Her son and husband, the ache of the distance hurting more than anything she'd ever experienced.

“You were back the last two weeks?”

“Three weeks.”

“He's happier, less broken but still broken. He's seeing a girl but I don't think it's serious, just sex.”

“We’re separated, he can see whoever he wants to see. He knows I'm not seeing anyone though. I haven't. I can't imagine being with anyone else.”

“Then talk to him. You both deserve to be happy.”

“It's not that easy, we've both changed.”


	6. A Slap in the Face (Tell Me How You Really Feel)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My life is in disarray. Somehow managed to push this out after finally finishing "Eight Years".

**May 7, 2005:**

Bellamy had his arm thrown over Clarke’s small waist, his face buried in her hair. He loved waking up next to her, knowing how rare an occasion it was, he never took it for granted. Her father made Bellamy promise to respect her and, of course, he did. She's Clarke, she doesn't accept anything less than respect. Hell, she had to push him into having sex with her their first time.

Sex with Clarke gets better every time, Bellamy swore it but something was up with her and he needed to know.

Octavia mentioned prom but Clarke hasn't said a word about it. She should be going to prom with her friends.

“Clarke,” he whispered softly in her ear.

“Mm,” she moaned, wiggling against him, which wasn't helping with his morning wood and she probably knew it too.

“Clarke, why haven't you asked me to prom?”

Her entire body stiffened, she was awake and playing with him. “What?”

“Prom is next weekend and you haven't asked me.”

“That's because I'm not going.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'd rather spend the evening with you.”

“I can't go?”

“You're twenty-three, Bell, the age limit is twenty-one.”

“Oh. You should still go, it's your prom.”

“Bellamy, please. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to go and talking about it isn't going to change my mind.”

“Clarke—“

“Are you going to talk this to death or are you going to fuck me like you want to?” she asked, rubbing back against Bellamy’s hard cock again, getting her playful side back.

* * *

**October 22, 2016:**

“Why do you always fight with my daddy?” Jacob asked in the middle of Go Fish. They were at the park but it began to rain so they all ran to Bellamy’s car.

Jacob was on the jungle gym while they sat and watched, casually talking about their week and getting to know one another again when they started arguing about Bellamy having his son less than their friends or his grandparents. Clarke knew she was overreacting, it's her fault they're all so involved and she's grateful that they were there for Bellamy and Jacob when she wasn't, but not being there when she can be was taking a toll on her and she hadn't known until just then.

“We weren’t fighting, we just disagreed about something.”

“What?”

“It was something really silly, he said he saw a unicorn the other day and I told him that it was just a white horse. A very silly disagreement.”

“Unicorns aren’t real.”

“I know, I kept telling him that but he says they do. Sometimes even grownups believe in things they don’t see.”

“Daddy thinks your bad.”

“The last time I saw your daddy I was a different person and people change but sometimes we can’t just go back to how we were before, a lot of time has passed.”

Jacob didn't say anything, he was thinking. He has the same look on his face that Bellamy does when he thinks hard about something. “Did you know my mom?”

Clarke looked down at the cards in her hand, how is she supposed to answer this? She and Bellamy hadn’t talked about the possibility of him asking and she doesn’t want to lie to him, he’s her son. “Bellamy!” she called, knowing he was just in the kitchen giving them space to play cards. Just because it’s raining doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be allowed to see her child when it’s the scheduled day.

He walked into the room, his arms elbow deep in yellow rubber gloves. He cleans when he’s anxious. “Yeah?”

“Jacob, what did you ask me?” Clarke asked the boy.

“Daddy?”

“It’s okay, I want to know.”

“Does Clarke know my mom?”  
“Oh,” Bellamy said and looked to Clarke. “Jacob, remember last year when I said that your mom was having a difficult time when she had you? And she went away to deal with it because she loves you so much?” he asked, sitting on the floor between Clarke and Jacob, keeping eye contact with the boy and Clarke remembered the first time she heard his voice shake like it was.

He’d been acting strangely for a few weeks and Clarke was about to confront him after a long day of work when she was geared up and ready to fight and when she got home there were rose pedals scattered across the floor of their apartment leading to a homemade, candlelight dinner at the dining room table. He proposed, that’s why he was so nervous and strange, he had the ring and didn’t want Clarke to find it before he could ask her.

“And remember when I told you that Clarke was an old friend of mine and she moved back to town? It’s because she missed us, missed her family. So yes, Clarke knows your mom because—“

“Bellamy...” Clarke said. Of course she wants Jacob to know that she’s his mom but it’s been two months and there’s no way that she could make up missing five years of his life.

“Clarke is your mother, Jacob,” he said and Clarke saw a tear escape his eye.

“But you said—“

“I know what I said, Jake, I shouldn’t have lied but she was gone for six years, I didn’t know if she was ever coming back.”

“Jacob,” Clarke said, practically a plea and the boy shook his head frantically.

“No! No, this isn’t what I want! You’re not my mom!” he exclaimed and ran upstairs to his room, the door slamming shut behind him.

“Bellamy,” she said, her eyes pooling with tears, every Blake was crying, something she didn’t know what to do about.

“No, Clarke, I have to take care of my son like I have the last five years!” he shouted at her as he stood and followed their son upstairs.

She sat there on the floor with her cards in her hand and tried to stop the tears. This is about Jacob, not her. He’s an incredible kid, she loves him and hates that she’s the cause of his tears and hates even more that she doesn’t know how to soothe him like Bellamy.

Raven told her that Octavia still doesn’t know that she’s back. She’s going to find out and Bellamy is going to get the first battle that was just a warm up for when she got to Clarke.

Clarke knew she should leave, that they could be a while so she cleaned up the card game and placed them back in the drawer that Jacob pulled them from and grabbed her jacket.

Shoving her arms through the sleeves on the porch she pulled the hood on and started walking across town to her apartment.

She wound up sitting at the bar in Dropship, trying to dry off before the rest of her walk.

“What can I get you?” the brunette tending bar asked. Bellamy said her name before but Clarke doesn’t remember at the moment.

“Tequila,” she said and the girl walked down to get a shot glass. “No, just a water.”

“You sure? It’ll warm you up.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Just the water and an order of bar nachos.”

“Not drinking?”

The bar was virtually empty for a Saturday afternoon, just two guys in the corner playing darts and an old man reading the paper by the window.

“I’m sure, I’ve been sober six years, just because today was shit doesn’t mean I should go numb over it,” Clarke said, trying to convince herself more than the bartender.

“That’s a good perspective but how are you an addict? Is that rude to ask?” She wondered, placing the glass in front of Clarke. “It’s just that you’re so young.”

“A little bit but I’d rather talk about it than bottle it all up and drink to forget. Almost seven years ago one of my closest friend’s girlfriend died and it was because of me. I stepped into traffic and the car swerved to avoid me, not knowing that Maya was walking on the curb on the other side where he swerved into her. I’d been drinking and then I drank the guilt and hate away. I thought everyone hated me, even my husband who I loved more than anything. I didn’t know I was pregnant for the first trimester and when I did, I couldn’t get over the guilt I felt about Maya to stay sober so I went to...”

“You’re Jacob’s mom,” she said in realization. “Bellamy’s wife.”

“Well, we've been separated for six years but yeah.”

“I’m, uh, Gina,” she grimaced.

“Okay?” Clarke looked at her skeptically. “Sorry, I’m Clarke, though you already know that.”

“Yeah, and are you two back together?”

“I’m just thinking about Jacob right now. I didn’t fall out of love with Bellamy, but I wasn’t a good person the months before I left so he could have fallen out with me. We’re both focusing on Jacob.”

“He’s a good kid, smart.”

“He got that from Bellamy.”

“Bellamy said the same about you.”

“Yeah, I was a surgical resident when we got married.”

“You’re a doctor?”

“No, I work at the high school. Art teacher.”

After a nice talk with Gina, Clarke went home, not in a better mood or feeling any better about Jacob and she knew that she just needed to feel it all because it’s better than hiding. She AA’d herself, not needing a sponsor, but knowing how helpful they can be.

Replaying the Jacob fiasco over in her head, she couldn’t help the tears. The way he yelled that he doesn’t want her. “You aren’t my mom!” the four words ricocheted the walls of her scull never landing, just kept hitting her over and over and she couldn’t stop it.

She didn’t know how long it was that she was curled on the floor of her apartment, against the open door when Bellamy stormed through the threshold, looking down at her once he realized he almost tripped over her.

“Come on, babe, get up,” he offered her his hand and she unraveled her arms from her torso and grabbed on, letting him pull her up. “He’s five. He hates you because he doesn’t understand. He asked me why but I don’t understand. Clarke, you could have come back, I needed you to come back. I hate you but I love you, explain that to me. My son is hurting and I have Raven with him but she can’t explain this to him. He’s too young to know the truth which is exactly what he deserves.”

“I thought it was the best thing to do. Stay away a little longer, make sure I can stay sober in everyday situations but fuck, Bellamy. I was just at the Dropship and I ordered a shot of tequila before I told Gina that water was better. She got me the water but I still wanted the tequila,” Clarke’s voice broke and she dropped her head against his shoulder. “He’s my son and I’m dying here because I hurt him and I can’t fix it. What does that make me? What kind of mother am I for letting you take him? For not coming home the minute I got out of rehab?”

“Clarke, look at me,” Bellamy said and she shook her head but raised her chin to look at him and the beautiful galaxy of freckles that dusted across his hard face. He’s angry with her but he’s being gentle to her, forgiving even. She’s missed this side of him. “You’re his mother, faults and all. There are many of them, you are not perfect, but asking you to be would be asking you to be superhuman and your many, countless strengths, superhuman isn’t one of them. The Gods aren’t perfect, hell, they’re incestuous, certainly not anywhere near perfect.”

Clarke scoffed through her tears, “Leave it to you to compare someone to the Greek Gods.”

“They’ve always been my favorite. It’d be treacherous to compare you to any other.”

“I’ve missed you,” she admitted against her better judgement, knowing he wouldn’t reciprocate.

“I’ve been here, angry, attempting empathy, whereas before I tried forgetting. Damn it, Clarke, I wanted to forget you. What kind of man chooses to forget the woman he loves?”

“You’re a good man, Bellamy. I’m six years too late to be his mom.”

“No, Clarke, no. That isn’t happening,” Bellamy stated sternly. “You said that you want to get to know me again? I’m ready for that now. We can have family dinner every Saturday. It won’t change your schedule with Jacob and—“

“You’ll break up with Gina?” She figured it out in their conversation. She knew things about Bellamy that only a lover would, not just an employee.

Bellamy sighed, he didn’t see that coming. “Gi—it’s just sex.”

“She talked about you as though it was more. She’s a girl, it’s always more, Bellamy.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll tell her it’s over, though it hasn’t happened since you’ve been back.”

“Bellamy, you should make sure that this is what you want. Take time to decide what you want. If you want me, I’m here, but if you want her, I won’t stand in your way of being happy. We’ll just need to figure out a better system with Jacob.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy grimaced, and she watched his eyes dart down to her lips for a moment, she knew that him kissing her now wouldn’t mean anything, because he’d be figuring it out like she’d just told him to.

“What are you doing Tuesday night?”

“Probably grading projects, nothing that I can’t move.”

His hand cupped her chin and Clarke refused to get her hopes up, “Let me take you to dinner, we’ll get to know each other again.”

“You know that I prefer take out.”

“Formal, Clarke, like we’re dating. Remember our first date, I swear your father was going to hang me, I was terrified.”

Clarke chuckled, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so scared in my life.”

“There was the seven months where I had a screaming baby to raise and thought I was doing everything wrong because he was screaming constantly.”

“Skin to skin, it’s the—“

“Heartbeat, Lincoln showed me, I actually got more than two hours of consecutive sleep.”

“I’m sorry I left you alone to raise him.”

“Stop apologizing, I had Raven and O and Lincoln, your mom. I had a village helping me, though I didn’t accept it at first. I’m apparently stubborn.”

Clarke scoffed, “You just figured that out, I could have told you that.”

Bellamy smirked, his signature, troublemaking smirk and suddenly he was kissing her, his lips slow and needing. Tentative and firm, his tongue licking her lips once, requesting entrance before he pulled himself back. But Clarke kissed him back, of course she kissed him back, her feelings never wavered.

Bellamy pulled away and Clarke slowly opened her eyes back up, giving her the look she knew all too well the six years they were together before Clarke’s life changed drastically. He wants her, more than he should right now, more than Clarke’s allowed herself to want another person in over six years.

“I’ll see you Tuesday?” she said, not knowing what else she could say.

“You’re kicking me out?”

“You’re horny, Bell. And no matter how badly I want to, no matter how long it’s been, it’ll just complicate it more. Complicated is where I fuck up and I can’t lose you and Jacob again, not when I’ve barely gotten him back.”

Bellamy nodded, “You still have that black dress?”

“I do, but I’m not wearing it Tuesday, it’s my get lucky dress and getting lucky would be complicating this more. I don’t want you to pick Gina, but it is your decision Bellamy and I’m not going to be the bitch that doesn’t allow you to choose especially after the shit I’ve put you through these last six years.”

“I’m working on letting it go.”

Clarke nodded, she loved this man and doesn’t know how he could forgive her but he somehow is. How can one man be so amazing?

* * *

**June 18, 2005:**

Bellamy knew that Clarke was brilliant, knew that she was destined for greatness. He knew that once she realized any of it that he’d be on his ass within a month but for now, he’s standing and cheering her on with her salutatorian speech and Octavia actually graduating because she was distracted and didn’t care about school like Clarke did, somehow still remaining friends with that big academic difference. And though Clarke could have practically gone to any school she wanted, she chose the one that Bellamy was getting his Masters at and where she could be dorm mates with Octavia. Bellamy loved that she chose to stay close but also regrets that she’d done it for him, to stay with him. She’s so much bigger than herself but doesn’t see her potential in helping people.

When the ceremony was over, Clarke practically ran off stage and fought against the proud parents rushing the football field to get to their children as she ran to Bellamy. her parents a hind sight, he’d known it and felt the sting that they felt because of it. They’re still important to her, but he was her world now and she was his. He was so scared to meet her father three months ago, he didn’t know that he could be afraid of someone until Jake Griffin opened the front door that cold February night.

_“Blake, what are you doing here?” Jake asked, his green tie loose around his neck._

_“I’m taking your daughter out tonight, sir.”_

_“You’re her date?”_

_“Yes, sir.”_

_“You know I’ll hurt you if you hurt her.”_

_“Very well aware, sir. I don’t plan to.”_

_“My wife doesn’t like you.”_

_“I’m an asshole.”_

_“And you want my approval to date my daughter?”_

_“I’d appreciate it, but you know your daughter will do what she wants regardless.”_

_“Very true. Do I want to know how this has come to be?”_

_“We were arguing New Years and didn’t realize the countdown was happening until it was too late and realized why we argue so much around the same time, I think.”_

_“And it’s six weeks later?”_

_“Yeah, I’m also an idiot.”_

_Jake Griffin smiled and patted Bellamy on the back, “Have her home by eleven.”_

_Bellamy looked at him in shock, knowing Clarke’s curfew was ten regardless of the day. Then Clarke came around the corner and smiled at Bellamy, in a very pretty and understated dress that Abby Griffin would approve of, Bellamy thought she was gorgeous, she could be wearing sweats and he’d think she was gorgeous._

_“You look…wow,” Bellamy gruffed out._

_“Not so bad yourself,” she smiled cheekily. “Dad?”_

_“Have fun, but not too much fun,” he said kissing Clarke’s cheek and nodded at Bellamy, closing the door behind his departing daughter, letting their night begin._

_“That wasn’t so bad,” Clarke smiled._

_“I’m getting you home by ten, I know eleven o’clock is a test.”_

_“It’s not, I asked him for the extension since it’s someone he likes.”_

_“Sorry, princess, but your carriage turns into a pumpkin at ten.”_

_“And if I wanted to spend time with you?”_

_“Three hours isn’t enough?”_

_“We’re going to butt heads for two hours, I’d like to get two civil hours in return.”_

_“What if we sit on the front porch for the last hour, you’re technically on the property.”_

_“You are way too good at loopholes,” Clarke smiled and kissed his cheek before bouncing to his car._

Bellamy hugged Clarke and gave hr a chaste kiss, "Go see your parents, they're waiting for you."

"You are way too good for me," she smiled.

He isn't, if anything she's to good for him and he couldn't risk losing her by proving it.

He would love for Clarke to stay at his side instead of going to her parents for them to congratulate her as he's doing with Octavia. "You know I'm just trying to play nice while you're still seventeen, it's called statutory rape."

"I would never let that happen," she smiled and kissed him again quickly as Octavia fought the crowd to get to them. She left to find her parents before O's arrival and Bellamy gave his sister the biggest hug, immensely proud of her for sticking it out for her diploma.

* * *

**October 25, 2016:**

Bellamy stood at the musty blue door in his white button down with the sleeves rolled up and his khakis. He should knock, he should do this, he wants this, but he can’t seem to bring his fist up to knock on the door.

He told Gina Sunday night after closing that he’s doing this and he had to put whatever they were on pause. He had to give his wife a chance, he had to see if he still loved her.

He growled at himself, loudly, aggravated about not being able to do the one thing he wants to. Raven has Jacob, Jacob is fine, he can do this.

He pulled his phone out and brought up his texts with Raven.

**Bellamy (6:58): I can’t do this.**

**Raven (6:58): Then don’t.**

**Bellamy (6:59): She’s the mother of my child, my wife, I should.**

**Raven (7:00): If you’re looking for a pep talk, you should have texted Harper or Monty or even Miller. Not me.**

**Raven (7:00): Man up, your son deserves two parents. We don’t know that life, but that doesn’t mean we should plague our children with the same knowledge of loneliness.**

**Bellamy (7:01): Morbid but you’re right, we should at least try.**

He “manned up” and knocked on the door.

**Raven: (7:02): And if that doesn’t work out, you still have Gina. She can be his step-mom. Though she deserves better than being your second choice.**

Bellamy rolled his eyes and put his phone in his pocket just as Clarke opened the door, she looked stunning, she wore a grey-blue sweater that hugged her curves and landed mid-thigh with black leggings that tucked into black leather boots that made her taller.

“Hey,” she smiled softly, her lips a dark, almost crimson, red.

“You look amazing.”

“You look cold, but good.”

“Are you ready? A jacket?”

“They said it wasn’t going to get much colder, I should be fine.”

“Okay then,” Bellamy smiled, gesturing for her to come along with him, though he could tell that she’s just as nervous as he was.

They talked about their days a little bit on the drive across town, not getting into the details really. Clarke worked at the high school with Miller, they rarely saw each other, different departments and schedules, not all the teachers know each other, though it’s a small school for a small town, coworkers tend to know one another. Maybe Miller hasn’t forgiven her for leaving. Bellamy will ask him when he sees him tomorrow.

“Do you mind if I have a beer?” he asked her, after the hostess sat them in a booth towards the back.

“You’re not kissing me tonight if you do. I just don’t want to risk it, you know?”

“Water?”

“You want to kiss me?”

“I’d like my options to be open.”

“It’s a work night.”

“That’s why I chose it, you have an early morning, I can’t keep you up late.”

“Bellamy, I’m—I’ve changed, you’ve changed, maybe our changes don’t mesh like they did before?”

“You’re jumping right into this? You cry now, I don’t think there’s been a time that we’ve spoken since your return that you haven’t at least teared up, that’s different. I think I saw you cry once before you left. No, twice, the first was when you found out about your father’s accident and the second was when you found out you were pregnant. That’s a change, one that’s good, emotions are good.”

“I don’t cry, Bellamy. This new me cries all the time, sometimes over stupid things.”

“That’s normal, Clarke. Remember when I took you to see that romance movie?”

“Our first Valentine’s Day,” she sighed.

The waiter came over then and interrupted them. “Hello, welcome to Manzoni’s. My name is Derek. Will you be picking out a wine for this evening?”

“We’re not drinking tonight,” Bellamy said, his eyes steady on Clarke’s face.

Realization hit her face, “Bellamy, you can—“

“I’m not going to, there’s more to dinner than wine or alcohol.”

“What would you like to drink?”

“Water for me,” she smiled.

“I’ll have the same.”

“Great, would you like to hear tonight’s specials?”

“Clarke?”

“No, I think we’re good. Thank you, Derek.”

Bellamy just leaned forward, getting back to their conversation, “You didn’t cry, every other man in the theater was walking out, holding their girlfriend together and you strolled out with your hand in mine. You said it was sad, it was, the guy died, but you didn’t cry.”

“It was an actor, Bellamy, the actor didn’t die just the character he portrayed.”

“And if you were the girl and I died?”

“I’d be devastated, of course I would be, I love you. And don’t say that I can’t because I’ve been back for two months and you’re the same man that I knew six years ago. You may not drink coffee anymore, trading it for herbal tea, or banning hot dogs in your house, which is a very smart move, by the way. They are not healthy.”

“Leave it to you to make a date a nutrition lesson.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, you’ve just been questioning my feelings and I got off course.”

“It was actually kind of cute.”

The rest of the night they discussed everything, the last six years, Clarke going back to college to become a teacher, still has her vast knowledge of medicine, saving people on the bus or the sidewalk in Boston, became a paramedic to cover her student loans. She never wanted to be a doctor, Bellamy knew that she did it for her mother, not having her father’s push to do what she loves, Bellamy tried but her father made her braver, whereas Bellamy made her fiery and courageous.

He told her about Jacob, how he missed his first steps for turning to get his phone to record it. Raven stepped up, she was a big help, he hated that it hurt her, it was clear on her face, but she’s the one that chose not to come back, she should be happy that he had help.

She asked about her mom, she knew about the wedding to Marcus Kane, she’d gotten the invitation. Abby gave her space, which confused her. It’s Clarke and Abby, Bellamy thought, they’re two strong willed women, forces of nature, that’s never going to change.

After he paid for dinner, with some refusal from Clarke, but she caved, and they went for a walk. Clarke played with the hem of her dress as they walked.

Bellamy stopped her and took the fabric out of her hand and held hers in his, “Clarke, I’d prefer it if you didn’t give the whole town a show.”

“We shouldn’t be doing this, you should be home with Jacob. I—I should be grading projects,” she said, her eyes glued on their intertwined fingers.

“Clarke, our feelings haven’t gone away in six years. What else are we supposed to do?”

“Our son hates me.”

“Our son doesn’t know you,” he smirked, loving saying that, our son.

Clarke sighed, looking up at him with her sad eyes, his favorite color. “How am I supposed to fix that?”

“Show him how much you care, I’ll talk to him about you, tell him that I love you and that you’ve always thought about us. I’ll tell him why you had to leave, to protect us, to fix yourself. That in order to be a good mom you had to take some time, a lot of time, and find yourself again.”

“He won’t understand, Bell, we can’t make him understand,” she said, her voice breaking, she’s going to cry again. He can’t have her cry again.

“Baby, come on, don’t cry. It’ll work itself out, I know it will. Just—come over Friday for dinner and then you can see him Saturday and—“

“I don’t want to overwhelm him, force myself on him, it’d be too much.”

“Then go see your mother, she asked me about you. She wants family dinners.”

“Bellamy, I just got my son back, I just got you. And barely, your sister doesn’t even know. It all has to be slower.”

“Slower?”

“Yes, I mean, I’d love to jump your bones right here and now, but I want Jacob to know that I want him too. I want him to want me as his mom.”

“He will. Come on, I’ll take you home, you have work in the morning and I have deliveries.”

“Okay.”

* * *

Clarke sat in the passenger’s seat of Bellamy’s truck as they turned onto her street. She let her emotions take control again, almost cried. This second first date was terrible. She’d ruined it like she ruined most of the things in her life. Her father died, Maya died, Wells died. She drank her misery away, left her son for five and a half years, her husband.

“Why did you buy the bar?” she asked, not knowing where the question came from.

“It was me or Starbucks. Jaha let me know about the sale and Kane helped me with getting a loan. I rented out our house, I wasn’t living there after you left, I couldn’t. So I rented the apartment above his garage, made it easier for your mom to see Jacob too. So when they got married, I was like a son to Kane already, you know that, he signed his house over to me, thirtieth birthday present, he called it as he moved in with your mom. Miller, Monty, and Murphy are renting our house.”

“That’s… I liked our house.”

“There was too much of you in that house, I couldn’t handle it all after you left. Your things are in the garage, I didn’t know what you wanted me to do with them.”

Clarke nodded, she knew her leaving was hard on him, she knew from what Raven’s told her when Jacob was away for a moment but hearing it from him, from Bellamy, was a whole new level of wanting to hate herself and drink that pain away.

“I’ll look through them once I’m allowed over.”

“Of course you are, Thanksgiving is in two weeks.”

“Oh, no. I’m not—no. My mom, Octavia, you want to kill me, this is the calm before the storm. You actually hate me.”

“Clarke, your mom wants to see you and Octavia can get over herself.”

Bellamy pulled the truck over in front of the consignment shop and helped Clarke out of the cab, walking her around the back to the stairs up to her apartment.

“It's not that I don't want to see them, I don't want the arguments. I can't change what I did. I can't take it back. All I can do is be here now and—“

“Clarke,” Bellamy said in a strange voice she didn't recognize as they reached the top of the landing.

Clarke looked over at him then where he was staring, finding a broad and tall man leaning against the wall, shadows hiding his face from her. The man turned his head, the hood falling back slightly, revealing the long wavy hair that she tried to forget.

“Roan,” she said shocked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun-dun-dunnn... Cliffhangers are a bitch.
> 
> A flashback within a flashback? They say they're unheard of but pssh, I own it.
> 
> Comments and Kudos welcome ❤


	7. It All Comes to a Head (Let's Do This)

**November 21, 2016:**

Octavia loved her job, loved the long hours and the money, it allowed Lincoln to stay home with the girls and work on his art. She loved his art! But this summer he heard that the position for a kindergarten teacher was open at the elementary school and he applied, had three interviews with the principal and was offered the job.

Lincoln was thrilled! He loves kids, especially theirs but he wanted to work and Octavia couldn't blame him for wanting to work, she gets stir crazy when she's home for more than a weekend. She loves her family, of course but the stillness and lack of forwardness just didn’t feel right to her.

So Octavia called Monty, knowing he’d be on his lunch break and asked him to watch the girls for her while she visited Lincoln, getting a much needed change of scenery.

She walked into the classroom that she remembered from all those years ago when she was in kindergarten and smiled at Jacob in the third group of miniature tables, he hadn’t seen her, he’s avidly drawing something with his crayons.

“Mr. Lincoln,” Octavia said from the door, he was kneeling next to a blonde girl that was drawing something, Octavia couldn’t see.

Lincoln turned his head at the sound of her voice and his smile illuminated the room, “Hey! What are you doing here? Where are the girls?”

“I asked Monty to watch them while I came to visit. When’s lunch?”

“Now, I guess. Class, please clean up your crayons and drawings before getting your lunch from your cubbies.”

And with that Jacob came running over to Octavia with his drawing in hand, “Auntie Tava, look!”

Octavia looked at the drawing in her nephew’s hands and grimaced. Yellow sun, blue sky, green grass, yellow house. Black haired Bellamy, little brown haired Jacob next to him and a blonde woman. Gina has brown hair, who the hell was that?

“Baby, who’s that?”

“Miss Clarke... Mommy.”

Octavia’s eyes widened, “Your mom?”

“Yeah, well, she was Miss Clarke, like Miss Raven and Miss Gina, but Daddy says she’s my real mommy.”

"How long have you known about Miss Clarke?"

"Septmember. Daddy said you and Mommy were best friends, what happened?"

“She left.”

“Daddy said she had to leave but she’s back now and we shouldn’t be mad at her. You look mad, Auntie Tava.”

“I am, Sweetie, but not at you. Hey, I’ll see you Thursday for dinner, go have lunch with your friends,” she told him and Jacob ran off before Octavia stood back up and turned to Lincoln. “Raven and Bellamy have been lying to me? They haven't seen my wrath yet.”

“Please don’t make me have non-conjugal visits twice a month for forty years. How will I explain that to the girls?” Lincoln asked, pulling her into a hug. “I love you and you have two girls to help me raise, and I thought we were trying for a boy. How can we try when you’re in jail?”

“I’m a lawyer, I can make it look like an accident.”

“That’s a doctor, you sadist. Please don’t make Thanksgiving hell, Bellamy invited us to dinner, we don’t control the guest list.”

“No promises.”

* * *

Raven was under the hood of a car that refused to start and she knew she could get it running. She knew it was a wire, she just had to figure out which wire. She hates fucking Electrics.

“Where is she?” she heard, banging her head on the hood of the car.

“What the hell, Octavia?”

“Clarke is here? Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“Clarke? Seriously? I think you’re—“

“I just came from Lincoln’s class. Jacob is in that class and he was drawing a family picture. It used to be you and Bellamy, then it was Gina and Bellamy and now it’s a fucking blonde named Clarke. I’m not imagining this so where is she?”

“Calm down, I’m not going to tell you anything. That’s Bellamy’s job. Sure, I’m helping him like I _always_ do, but this with you, it’s all for Bellamy. Go to him because I’m working right now.”

“Fine!” Octavia left and Raven pulled out her phone from her overalls and called Bellamy.

“Yeah?”

“Aw, I love you too!”

“Raven, I'm not in the mood. What's going on?”

“O is on her way and she's on a warpath because she knows about Clarke. Jacob told her because she went to the school to visit.”

“Fuck. Not what I needed right now. Thanks Rae,” Bellamy hung up and looked at the sleeping Gina next to him.

He got out of bed and was almost out the door when he heard, “What are we doing?”

Bellamy froze, “I don't know.”

“Clarke?”

“I haven't seen her.”

“I can't do this, Bellamy. I can't sit around waiting for you, hoping that you make up your mind. She's your wife, figure it out. If not for yourself then for Jake.”

Bellamy’s heart stung, Gina was right. His actions are a result of a bruised ego all because of Roan, whomever he may be.

Clarke said she hasn't been with anyone since she left but this Roan guy, the way they acted that night was something more than friends.

Gina got out of bed and pulled her clothes on. “I think one of yours is here somewhere if you're planning on working today.”

* * *

**October 25, 2016:**

Clarke gaped at the man in front of her door. She thought she'd never see him again, Boston was a different part of her life. Why is he here? “Roan?”

“Clarke,” he smirked cheerily.

She looked up at Bellamy and his stoic glare that gave nothing away, lost in what to do. “Roan, this is Bellamy.”

“The husband, he's much more handsome in person,” Roan smiled, reaching out to shake Bellamy’s hand.

Bellamy looked at Clarke with indifference, “Have a good night, Clarke.” He turned and descended the stairs.

“Bellamy!” Clarke called after him but he was gone. _Fuck_. She spun back around to Roan, pulling her keys from her clutch. “What are you doing here?”

“I'm looking to expand.”

“In Arkadia?” she grimaced, finally getting the finicky door open.

“Richmond. I figured that since I was in Virginia I should see my favorite wing woman,” Roan smirked following her into the apartment.

“You can have anybody you’d like, you don't need my help.”

“You help filter out the gold diggers.”

“Wow! Happy to be of service, master.”

“You were also awesome at finance. I want you back.”

“I'm not moving and I like teaching art, some students have real potential.”

“Those who can't do, teach. Enough avoiding, what was that with Bellamy?”

“Well, after two months of my being here and seeing my son, Bellamy decided to give me a chance. A second first date and he brings me home to find another man waiting for me. He's pissed!”

“Shit.”

“People tend to apologize when they fuck up someone’s life.”

“Setback to your fuck up six years ago. You can't blame me.”

“Oh, my God, you do realize that _this_ is why everyone leaves you? You believe you have no faults. Apologies are standard in relationships.”

“I'm aware that our friendship humanizes me.”

“Where are you staying?”

Roan’s devilish grin was the bane of Clarke’s current existence. There was a time three years ago where it made her life worthwhile.

“Couch?” she offered, her bed never an option.

“Please.”

“You're giving me a ride to work then.”

“Motorcycle.”

“Street Fred with high school students,” Clarke shrugged. She's been on the back of his Harley too many times to care about the dangers now. Except she had Jacob now, losing Bellamy because of Roan just now. She has to call him, has to explain Roan to him.

“The cool art teacher,” Roan laughed.

“Bell’s best friend is an English teacher at the school.”

“Here I thought Bellamy would be a history teacher with all the books you looked at for him.”

Clarke grimaced, “He owns the bar.”

“ _The_ bar. Where everything happened?”

“Yep.”

“Why?” Roan asked angrily as though it personally offended him.

“He said it was him or Starbucks but I think it's a reminder of how one little mistake can ruin your life,” she said because it was her reminder.

“It's like he wants to hurt you all over again.”

“Could have been it too, but I haven't had a drop. The only time I was even remotely tempted was when Jacob found out that I was his mom.”

“Bellamy named him Jacob for you? After he served you separation papers?”

“He's been sleeping with someone, a bartender. I heard someone say she lives in the apartment above the bar so it's convenient.”

“I was convenient for five years, that doesn't mean we slept together.”

“I hate you sometimes. I'm going to call Bellamy and somehow explain you.”

“Good luck, journalists can't even do that and it's their jobs.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and went into her room to call Bellamy while collecting blankets and a pillow for Roan. The call went straight to voicemail.

“Say what you need to say,” Bellamy’s recorded voice said just before the beep.

“Hey, Bell. Thank you for tonight, I had a good time. Well, until Roan showed up. He’s down here for work in Richmond and wanted to say hi. I used to work for him when he only owned one building, now he has about twenty-seven in New England. He's just a friend. Call me or text me. I just—I didn't know he was going to be here, I—I love you,” she said and hung up before calling Raven.

“He doesn't want to talk to you,” she answered.

“Is he there?”

“Just left with Jake. He's pissed.”

“My old boss showed up and waited for me. I didn't know he was coming. I—he knows that I love Bellamy.”

“You told Bellamy that there hasn't been anyone since him then there's another _insanely_ hot man waiting for you at your door. It's a fucked up mixed message and what's even worse was that Bellamy didn't even want to do this in the first place.”

“What?”

“He texted me before picking you up knowing that I'm not on your side.”

“Fuck you, Raven.”

* * *

**November 24, 2016:**

“Nothing happened,” Clarke answered her mother’s question. “We’re fine.”

“He wasn't going to come today, he was going to drop Jake at Raven’s to come. He hasn't missed a Thanksgiving since Jake was born,” Abby said while peeling the sweet potatoes. “He only agreed if he could bring Gina.”

“He's bringing Gina?” Clarke asked, rolling the crust over the pie pan.

“I told him not to hurt you or Jake.”

“He thinks I'm with Roan,” Clarke sighed. “Fine, he's bringing Gina, I'm inviting Roan. It was rude to leave him at my apartment anyway.”

“Clarke—“

“No, Mom, if he's inviting her, he's sleeping with her again.”

“You left him for six years, he has the right to move on.”

“Yes, he does, but he shouldn't punish me for it or rub it in my face. I didn't sleep with Roan, I haven't slept with anyone. I told him as much and he's assuming I lied,” Clarke stated, simultaneously texting Roan the address.

People were supposed to arrive at one but Clarke always made the apple pie and missed the tradition, happy to get back to it.

“Shit, I totally forgot. How are you with people drinking?”

“It's fine. I'll be fine.”

“Bellamy and Gina. You and Roan. You're asking for a fight.”

“At least he'll be talking to me.”

Abby shook her head, “You two are acting like children.”

* * *

Roan arrived at noon, helping Abby with the salad and letting her know that Clarke was in good hands while in Boston and all she talked about was Bellamy and the baby, Jacob.

“You said that Clarke worked for you. What do you do?”

“Well, I was working for my mother but I knew if I stayed in her shadow, I'd live an unfulfilling life so I bought a commercial building in the middle of Boston. I was friends with this woman, Anya, that was Clarke’s sponsor and said Clarke needed a job and I needed someone good with numbers so I hired her. It's become a friendship. I financed her teaching degree.”

“That was generous of you.”

“She helped me build my empire. She's a beneficial expense.”

Clarke walked into the kitchen, finished with reorganizing the dining table. “What every girl dreams of being called, a beneficial expense. I feel so loved,” she deadpanned.

“Mommy!” Jacob called and Clarke’s head snapped to the doorway where Jacob was running past Bellamy and his hard glare, the temperature dropping ten degrees.

Jake’s arms snaked around her thighs, squeezing tightly. Clarke's gaze remained on Bellamy, looking for something to prove that he believed her voicemail, as her hand dropped to Jake’s back, rubbing a soothing circle into his sweater. “Hey, Jakey,” she breathed.

“Abby, where’s Kane?” Bellamy asked coldly.

“I am not responding without a proper greeting,” she told him pointing her knife at him before going back to chopping the carrots for the salad.

Bellamy’s glare broke from Clarke and he walked around the island, kissing Abby on the cheek. “Hi, Abby.”

“Hello,” she smiled fondly at her son-in-law. “Have you met Roan? He's in town on business.”

Bellamy scoffed, “Looks like pleasure. Kane?”

“With Murphy and Monty.”

Bellamy grimaced and went into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer, taking a long swig the moment the cap was off. “Jacob, show Clarke your room?”

“Mommy, do you want to see my room?”

“I would love to, do you want a drink first?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” he said, pulling Clarke along behind him towards the foyer with the stairs to the second floor.  

“Did your dad bring Gina?”

“She wanted to work with Echo. Gina was nice but I like you better,” he said opening a door and pulled Clarke through and Clarke gasped at the pirate ship sticking out into the room. “Daddy built it with Miller and Uncle Lincoln. My bed is on the top.”

“It’s amazing,” Clarke breathed, wanting to check out the inside, but waited for Jake to show her.

“Do you want to see? Lincoln did the electrical while Dad and Miller built it, there’s lights inside for when I do homework and stuff. I don’t let Mel in here,she’s a girl, but you’re my mom, you’re allowed.”

“Why thank you!” Clarke smiled. “Who’s Mel?”

“Melody, Aunt Tava’s daughter, she’s three,” he said annoyed walking into the ship, a light flicking on and Clarke followed him inside where there were a bunch of beanbags and Legos and a desk with crayons strewn about, drawings covered the walls.

“Do you like to draw?”

He nodded, plopping down into a bean bag, “Daddy says I get it from you.”

“You most definitely do. He can’t even play hangman without the man being bigger than the noose,” Clarke said before realizing that she shouldn’t have said that to a five-year-old.

“I want to design houses when I grow up.”

“An architect?”

“Yeah! It’s drawing and math. Dad’s been teaching me, says I should learn early so I can be the smartest in the class.”

“He showed me your report card, you definitely are.”

“He said you were Aunt Tava’s tutor.”

“That’s how we met, he didn’t like me at first and I wasn’t his biggest fan either.”

“So you guys hated each other and then fell in love? Isn’t that weird?”

“No,” Clarke smiled. “Hating someone takes a lot of energy and makes you think about that person a lot, it’s the same when you love someone, you’re constantly thinking about them so it’s easy to mistake the two emotions with each other.”

Jake didn’t respond, Clarke knew it was too much for his developing brain to handle and would love to explain it more to him when he was older and had more emotional experiences but also knows that talking to kids like they’re  adults helps their motor skills and brain development.

“Jake, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you.”

“I know, you’re better now.”

“Yeah,” Clarke smiled stiffly, holding back her tears, she wasted so much time in Boston, she was being selfish, she doesn’t deserve their forgiveness.

“Are you and Daddy getting back together?”

“I want to, it’s up to him right now.”

“I want it too, do you think if I tell him, that it will help?”

“It won’t hurt to try,” Clarke smiled. “Come on, let’s go back and join the party. Ask your dad why we celebrate Thanksgiving.”

“Pilgrims, right? They helped the first people survive winter, helping them hunt and farm the land that was so different from the farmland they were accustomed to. Uncle Lincoln taught us in school.”

“Lincoln’s your teacher?”

“Yeah, he’s awesome! We do a lot of art and counting and… I forgot you don’t talk to Aunt Tava.”

“It’s more of a necessary evil. I miss her, but she’s mad at me so your dad decided to let us get to know each other before her influence comes into play. She’s going to be here today, I just hope her words don’t change how you feel about me because she’s going to yell. A lot.”

“She’s mad at you, Dad talked a lot about that after he told me you’re my mom. She’s mad that you left, that you didn’t come back, Aunt Raven thinks she’s madder about you not taking responsibibity.”

“Responsibility. God, sometimes I forget that you’re five.”

“Five and three quarters.”

“Five years and ten months, I know. I can never forget,” Clarke smiled and brushed his dark curls out of his eyes just like she used to do to his father.

“Jake!” Bellamy called from the bottom of the stairs. “Raven and O are here!”


	8. Issues (How Bad I Need You)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've been big on cliffhangers, I don't know why, I've kinda just been writing and been like "well, this looks like a nice place to stop" and then do exactly that for a day before continuing the story. I'm thinking 3-6 more chapters, but it could go on due to the drama never ceasing between these precious delinquents.
> 
> Title is named after the new Julia Michaels song "Issues" because it's fitting and I've been listening to it on repeat for two days now.

Clarke followed Jacob down the stairs, her stomach tied up in knots about seeing Octavia again after so long, after so much has happened in their lives and they’ve changed so much. Jacob looked back at Clarke and reached up to hold her hand. Clarke sighed and took her son’s hand, happy that he didn’t hate her still. That even though she hasn’t talked to Bellamy since October (not without a lack of trying), Bellamy still talked to Jacob about not hating Clarke. He’s a good dad, Clarke can’t deny that.

Once back on the first floor of the house, Jacob was practically dragging Clarke into the living room. Where he let go of her hand and ran to Octavia, giving her a hug and she hugged him back, eyes connecting with Clarke, the glare so intense, it could cut glass.

“Girls, come on, you said you wanted to help Grandma Abby making cookies!” Kane said, his eyes darting back and forth between Clarke and Octavia.

“I want to make cookies!” Jacob called, pulling away from Octavia and looking at Kane.

“I think Grams would love that!” Kane smiled. “Come on.”

The two small, squeaky girls left, looking back at Clarke and she knew they could feel the tension in the room. Jacob pushed past them, rushing into the kitchen. Everyone followed the kids into the kitchen except Clarke, Octavia and Bellamy, and Clarke didn’t know what side of this tat Bellamy was on. Was he going to help her or hurt her? What could Octavia say that Clarke hadn’t already thought first? Tell her she doesn’t deserve Jake. That Bellamy doesn’t love her and he’s only doing what’s best for Jacob, a boy needs his mother just as much as he needs his dad. Clarke has gone over it all and she feels guilty about it all, not being able to take any of it back. Clarke hadn’t been able to tell Bellamy that she would have come back after rehab if he hadn’t had separation papers drawn up. It tore her heart out and if she could’ve drank, she would have but she was working on getting better, not to mention she just gave birth, she was weak.

“Welcome back, Coward. I mean Clarke, sometimes I get them confused.”

“O—“ Bellamy warned, but he stayed in his corner letting them get it over with or until someone, Octavia, did or said something out of line and he had to separate them.

“Roan seems… nice, he treated you well?”

“He got me a job and helped me get back to school. He’s a good ally.”

“Ally?” Octavia spat, glancing over at Bellamy.

She was being civil for him. She was holding herself back because Bellamy asked her to. Not because she thought Clarke deserved it. Hell, Clarke knew she didn’t deserve it. She’d rather have Octavia’s rash outbursts than her holding back because her words had a bite, not a calculated forethought, that version is worse.

“I didn’t sleep with him. He was my boss, I—“

“People sleep with their bosses all the time, that doesn’t mean anything.”

“All I talked about was Bellamy and our baby, it’s all I thought about when I wasn’t working and studying. I can’t prove that to you or Bellamy or Jake, but it’s true. I hadn’t even held him and I loved him.”

“And yet you were gone for six years? How is that supposed to be okay? How are people supposed to forgive you for abandoning your family? You have the nerve to come back after so much time and pretend like everything is okay?”

“I’m not pretending that anything is okay. I screwed up, I know that, but everything I’ve done was to make sure that I won’t screw up again. I’m not saying it’s easy, I went to the bar and almost drank, but I didn’t. Bellamy knows about that, so I’m not hiding it. Ask whatever you want, Octavia, I have nothing to hide.”

“Why the hell did you come back?” she spat quickly and Clarke knew her patience was wearing thin.

“Because I wanted to get to know my son and whatever Bellamy wanted with me.”

“He wants nothing to do with you!”

“O—“ Bellamy warned again.

“What? You told me two days ago that you’re done. Did you lie to me or her?”

“I don’t—I’m not justifying my actions to you, O. She’s the mother of my child, the woman I fell in love with twelve years ago and broke my heart six years ago. All those feelings don’t just go away! I may be pissed and I may have slept with Gina, but I still care about Clarke!”

“And you’re an idiot! Don’t you see that she’s an addict and she’s just going to do it again? She’s going to drink and she’s going to leave! It’s going to happen for the rest of her life and she’s going to take you down with her!”

“Don’t you realize that this isn’t helping?” Clarke spat back at Octavia, somehow the three of them have made it to the center of the room a yard away from one another, shouting. “Do you really think that you telling me what I did wrong and what I’ve missed is actually helping me stay sober? But that’s the point, isn’t it? You want to push me over the edge, you want me to dive head first into the abyss and ruin everything I’ve worked on since school started. Good luck with that one, Octavia.”

“Don’t talk to my sister like that,” Bellamy said.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke snapped at him. “Was she not my best friend? Was she not the person that was so happy for us when we got together? For some reason, I thought that Octavia would want her brother to be happy after everything he’s given up for her. That she would want her best friend to live a healthy and happy life after working so hard to get here. I didn’t think she’d turn into a heartless bitch that didn’t care about anybody’s happiness but her own.”

Clarke scoffed, wanting to cry, but not wanting to show weakness, not in front of Octavia, giving her more ammunition than she needs. “Have your lawyer call my lawyer since you want a divorce so badly,” Clarke told Bellamy and walked away. She couldn’t hold back the tears, she couldn’t hold back the image of Bellamy and Gina together. if it was someone Clarke didn’t know, it’s a different story, but Bellamy works with Gina, he hired her and sees her every day. Temptation like that, Clarke couldn’t exactly blame him.

Clarke didn’t know that she was outside until she was halfway down the street from the house. it was freezing outside and Clarke’s sweater and skirt did nothing to protect her from the balmy November cold.

She heard the car pulling up before she saw the headlights as it slowed, and the truck came to a stop in front of her as Bellamy stepped out, combing his hair out of his face.

“You’re leaving?”

“I’m not wanted there. Raven, Lincoln, O… _You_ , I can’t be there.”

Bellamy took a step closer, wanting to reach out but not knowing if he should. He needed to tell her, he needed her to know where he stood and that he could never… “I slept with Gina, Clarke,” he said simply, watching Clarke’s solemn face fall. “I didn’t… I wanted to hurt you. I gave you a chance and you shit on it. I let you back in and tore me apart again. So I slept with her and it just made me feel worse because over the course of two months I’d fallen in love with you all over again. How you were so effortless with Jake and how you cared about all your students, helping them with their other homework when it wasn’t your responsibility, but you saw them struggling and helped them. How you always wanted more but respected the set boundaries where I was preserving myself and our son.”

“What you don’t even see, Bellamy, was that I didn’t fuck up. I didn’t tear you apart again. Roan was at my door that night, sure, but I’m not the one that acted like a jerk to him and ran the second he could, not answering your phone when I called to explain, not listening to your voicemail. You avoided me for a month because another man was at my door. I have never lied to you, Bellamy. Not when I was seventeen and falling in love with you and not since I've come back.”

“But when you were drinking you did?” Bellamy asked softly, Clarke hearing a slight bite in his tone.

“I lied about drinking, you know that.”

“That was it? You didn't lie about where you woke up or who you were with?”

“No, I was always either at the bar or in my car in the parking lot. I needed you, Bell. I needed you to not look at me like I killed her, like it wasn't my fault. It destroyed me seeing the look in your eyes that made me feel horrible. That it was my fault. Maybe it was in my head, maybe it was real, or even just my own guilt, but I needed you to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. I might have believed you. I’m not blaming you, you couldn’t have known that, but I’m just saying that we’ve both made mistakes here. I’m willing to move past them and move forward, but you have to do that too.”

“And what if I can’t? Did you know that I didn’t know if I was his father? People talked about your nights at the Dropship like I wouldn’t hear. You flirted, you danced, you left with them—Clarke, you should see it from my perspective. Hearing that about my _wife_ , it killed me. And I know we had sex, we always had sex, but you left the bar with other men, I had to be sure.

“You had a paternity test done. I—no matter how drunk I got, I never slept with anyone but you. I love you.”

“Clarke, I told you that I slept with Gina. I didn’t mean when you were gone for those six years, you already knew that. I meant since Roan showed up. She kicked me out last week, telling me I had to figure out what I want. I—I think I need to go away and think about what I want.”

Clarke nodded, wishing she could be there for him but somehow held herself in place and didn’t try consoling him like she wanted to.

* * *

**April 27, 2005:**

“What is this?” Abigail Griffin demanded, storming into Clarke’s bedroom in the middle of her AP English homework, waving an envelope through the air.

“I don’t know,” Clarke grimaced, putting her pen down and sat up. She knew to be defensive when her mother gets involved with some aspect of her life.

Abby threw the envelope on the bed in front of Clarke who promptly picked it up and read the sender information Mecca State College.

“I applied, and considering it’s the big envelope, I got in.”

“Why the hell would you apply to a third-rate college when you should be applying to Princeton, Yale and Dartmouth?” Abby snapped sharply.

Clarke knew that no matter what her reason for applying to a non-ivy college, her mother would never accept it. She shrugged, “Safety school.”

“A safety school for a student with your grades and potential are UCLA and NYU. Hell, even Duke, but not a _state school_. I knew that boy would bring you down. That’s the school he goes to, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but I applied there long before he and I started dating. This has nothing to do with him!”

“Did you get accepted to any of the Ivy’s?”

“I haven’t gotten anything from them, I don’t know yet.”

“You’d better get accepted and you better go to one of them.”

“Mom, you can’t make that decision for me. It’s my life and if I choose a third-rate college over your precious Princeton, then that’s the choice I’ll live with for the rest of my life, same as Yale or Dartmouth. I have to live with my choice, not you, so you can’t tell me what to do.”

“I want what’s best for you, Clarke, and Mecca State isn’t it.”

“But that’s not for you to decide. If it’s what I choose, it’s not because of Bellamy. It’s because it feels right. Please accept that.”

“Does Bellamy know you applied?” Abby asked, truly wondering if her daughter was going to ruin her life over a boy.

“No, I—Mom, not everything’s about him.”

“Abby,” Jake said, leaning against the doorframe of their daughter’s room. “Let her choose her path. Medicine, engineering, or art, it’s her choice.”

“Jake—“

“Abby,” he said sternly, bringing his wife back to sanity.

“Make the right choice,” she told her daughter before departing.

Jake came in and sat on the side of Clarke’s bed, “Your mother doesn’t like Bellamy.”

“You don’t say,” Clarke smirked.

“She just wants what’s best for you.”

“I know, but she also has to trust that I know what’s best for me. I’m seventeen, you know.”

“Yes, and those years have gone by too quickly. You know that I like Bellamy, he’s grown into a respectable young man. But Clarke, this decision isn’t about him, it’s about you. I know long distance relationships don’t tend to work out, but just remember that ‘if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.’”

Clarke nodded, she didn’t want to risk letting Bellamy go but she knew it would be easier to talk to him about it than just break up with him over school. “Thank you, Dad.”

Jake nodded, kissing his daughter’s temple before leaving and Clarke checked the time on her phone before grabbing the unopened envelopes from Ivy schools from under her mattress and shoved them into her bookbag with the one from Mecca State and headed to the coffee shop, hoping Bellamy hadn’t had his break yet.

“Princess, what are you doing here? I thought you had a huge test to study for,” Bellamy asked at the register, the shop relatively dead aside from some college students with their headphones on and noses in their laptops.

“When’s your break?”

“Jasper’s back from his in five then I can go. What’s up?”

“I just need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay, go pick a seat and I’ll bring some hot chocolate over with a scone.”

“Okay,” Clarke smiled, hoping to relieve the tension she immediately saw once she said they’d needed to talk.

 A few minutes later, Jasper was behind the counter and Bellamy was walking over to Clarke with two mugs in one hand and a plate of scones in the other. He placed them on the table before giving Clarke a chaste kiss and sitting across from her, “What’s going on?”

“I—“ Clarke started but didn’t know what exactly to say so she just pulled out the envelope from Mecca and pushed it over to Bellamy.

“You got into Mecca,” he said slowly. “Wait, why did you apply to Mecca? I thought you were going Ivy League.”

Clarke pulled out the acceptance letters from Princeton, Stanford and Brown, placing them in front of him.

“You’re still going to an Ivy though, Mecca was your safety school.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke said, hearing her voice break.

“No, Clarke, you’re going to Princeton or whatever Ivy you want. You shouldn’t go to Mecca!”

“I don’t want to let you go.”

“You’re not! Clarke, do you really think that I couldn’t have gotten into an Ivy? I love school! I love learning and whether I was a dick or a player, it didn’t impede my learning. I graduated with a 4.7, but I had to stay here for Octavia. I don’t regret that and I don’t regret loving you but I will hate myself if you choose Mecca for me.”

“I applied long before we began.”

“I know, but Clarke, you may resent me over asking you to stay. I can’t.”

“I’ll resent you if you don’t,” Clarke choked on a sob.

“Hell, princess, I want you to stay, but I can’t ask you to do that. Make pro/con lists, but leave me off them. I will be here for Thanksgiving, winter break, spring break, and summers, we can see each other all the time. Do not think distance can separate us for a second.”

Clarke reached across the table for Bell’s hand, holding it, “I love you.”

Bellamy smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes, Clarke knew that he thought this would be their end. “I love you too, princess.”

* * *

**November 24, 2016:**

“Come back to the house,” Bellamy said to her after they stood in silence for a long while, Bellamy wanting to leave was a shock on them both.

“When are you leaving?”

“I didn’t even know that I wanted to until I just said it. Can we talk about it later and just have Thanksgiving dinner with our family and friends.”

“Your family and your friends, they all hate me.”

“No, they don’t, I don’t know what’s happened to Raven but she’s been pushing me to see you all month, saying that Roan’s a misunderstanding. Miller says you’re an amazing teacher and he doubts that there’s anything going on between you two and Murphy actually looked into you guys and he said though you’ve been his plus one for five years, there’s nothing that indicates you two being together.”

“Because we’re not, we never were.”

“So I was a jealous idiot and wasted a month with you for nothing.”

“Pretty much.”

“Come back, spend your first holiday with our son.”

Clarke smirked, “Our son is amazing.”

“He’s way too smart, I should have had him hanging around O’s more with the girls, kid him down some more, he’s always with adults.”

Clarke climbed into the cab of Bellamy’s truck while Bellamy did the same, “And that’s made him smart, I wouldn’t change him for a second.”

“You also need to talk to Kane. He cares about you and he isn’t trying to replace Jake.”

“I know, I just—he was my dad’s best friend and now he’s sleeping with his best friend’s wife.”

“His wife, it’s been two years.”

“I will never see it like that, but I will try for you and Jake.”

* * *

“I’ll take you home,” Bellamy said at the end of the night, Octavia and Lincoln carried their sleeping daughters. Octavia acted as though Clarke didn’t exist and Clarke was fine with that as long as Octavia was aware that she isn’t going anywhere.

“Roan?”

“Going with Raven,” he smirked.

“Really? Roan and Raven?”

“That’s the face I made when she told me twenty minutes ago.”

“Miller and Monty are going home together and Jake is staying here tonight. So I can take you home or if you suddenly have a motorcycle license, you can take Roan’s bike back.”

“Your truck is perfect.”

Clarke and Bellamy said good night to Abby and Kane, tucking in Jake before they left. They got in the truck and Bellamy turned the radio to the alt/rock station as they pulled off towards Clarke’s apartment.

“This’ll give us time to talk.”

“Right, you’re leaving.”

“Just a week, I think. We’ll talk when we get to your apartment.”

“I don’t have beer.”

Bellamy chuckled, “I’m good with coffee.”

“You’ve always made the best coffee, I’ve been living off Starbucks,” Clarke grimaced, she hated Starbucks, mainly because it wasn’t Bellamy’s coffee.

“Oh, so you’re using me for my coffee making skills.”

“Five years at a coffee shop taught you well, you should have hid that from me if you didn’t want it to be exploited.”

“You can exploit it, I know how much you need coffee.”

“Gets me though the hour.”

Bellamy laughed at the reality of Clarke’s existence. “Yeah.”

They pulled in front of Clarke’s building and walked around back to her door.

“No one’s here,” Bellamy stated with a smirk.

“Don’t be an ass. I didn’t know he was going to be here,” Clarke said pushing against the door to open it.

“You shouldn’t have to force your way in like that,” Bellamy said, shrugging his leather jacket off, hanging it on one of the hooks on the wall.

“I don’t mind, I don’t usually have too much to carry for it to be bothersome.”

Bellamy immediately went to the kitchen, pulling the bag of coffee grounds from the fridge and started working on brewing them a pot. He’d decided that they’re a month overdue on this talk and he can’t put it off any longer.

Clarke sat in the corner of the couch, playing with the hem of her sweater, anxiously waiting for him to bring her some coffee.

Bellamy held out a mug a few minutes later and Clarke sat up before taking the mug from him and he sat next to her.

“Clarke,” he said shaking his head, not knowing where to start.

“Bell,” she sighed.

“I want to trust you, okay? But right now, I don’t trust my instincts. We went out and Roan was there when we got back. I know now that he’s just a friend but I didn’t believe that so I tried sabotaging us by sleeping with Gina. I’ve been using her and I don’t like what kind of man I am for using her like I have been. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I can’t be here, not able to think about everything from a distance. When you left, I saw things clearly, it was black and white, I’m going to be a father, but without his mother to help. You had to leave to get better. Yes, I was bitter about it and had less and less hope about you returning each and every year but I saw everything clearly. And you’re back, mucking up the water, not letting me see clearly so I need to get away and I’m thinking that I should give you a chance to watch Jake because things between us might not be okay, but he loves you. I’m giving you the chance to really be his mom.”

“Shouldn’t we do a trial run where he stays with me for a night? Not me at your house for a week or however long you’ll be gone.”

“You’re good with him.”

“For the four to six hours I get with him before he crashes and gets carted off to bed. Not a whole night and the mornings. I don’t have breakfast or anything for breakfast and you want me to feed him. I don’t even feed myself.”

“So take him to the diner for breakfast, Nyko will be there.”

“And I’m sure he’s thrilled with me too.”

“He’s impartial. He’s friends with me and Lincoln, not really O.”

“It sounds like all she does is work and stay home with the girls. They’re adorable, by the way.”

“Lincoln will be glad to hear he did something right.”

“Bell, come on. I know people are coming around for you and Jake, they’re not really happy to see me back, except for Harper, she sits with me in the faculty lounge at lunch every day. She’s a nice break from the glares.”

“We’re far off topic.”

“No, we’re talking about me watching Jake every day for a week or—you don’t know how long, it’s not ideal and won’t look good in the eyes of the towns people if I rub it in their faces that you’re trusting me.”

“Their opinions don’t matter, Clarke. It’s our family, not theirs.”

“Our family?”

“Yes, Clarke, we will always be family, six years, a divorce, it doesn’t matter, we have a son and that makes us family.”

“I can watch him Saturday night, as a trial, but if it goes badly, have my mom do it.”

“Really?”

Clarke nodded, finishing her coffee, noticing Bellamy playing with his mug. “Do you want more?”

“I should be heading out, early morning at the bar, holidays bring out the worst in people.”

“Today was… not the best.”

“Octavia was asked to be nice.”

“That is Octavia being nice,” Clarke smiled.

“I missed your smile,” Bellamy said, his fingers grazing Clarke’s cheek.

“Bell,” Clarke said, barely a whisper, she was surprised herself. She’s been sexually frustrated for six years, you can’t exactly blame her for going weak at the knees over such a simple, slightly erotic, gesture.

“Fuck,” Bellamy sighed, surging forward, his lips collided with Clarke’s as she gasped, practically begging for air. And neither one of them knew who’d deepened the kiss, nor did it matter because as he licked into her mouth, Bellamy swore he’d never tasted anything as good as Clarke in his entire life.


	9. Oh, What A Relief It Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm having a very difficult week, but I tried on this chapter through everything going on in my personal life right now. I think I needed this to focus on to get out of everything okay. It's not over, should be by Saturday, but I don't know if I'll have a new chapter next week because of it. I might, I might not, depending on how everything falls into place and the timing of everything this week. i have the outline of the next chapter at least so there's something.
> 
> Happy reading, I'll try to have a good week and write at least half of chapter 10. That's my goal, I'm hoping I surpass it.

After Clarke’s initial shock to Bellamy’s lips, she responded, their mouths molded together tongues fighting for dominance. It was as though nothing has changed, they kiss like they fight, aggressive and assertive and so sure of themselves. Clarke felt _right_ , whole again and she didn’t want to give that up ever again. Not for anything.

Bellamy’s hands gripped her waist, pulling her tank top out from her skirt. “Fuck, you knew what this skirt would do to me, didn’t you?”

“Bell,” Clarke gasped, not having an answer, but craving more as his lips went back to hers.

He lifted Clarke, bringing her over him to straddle, feeling his erection through his pants. Clarke moaned, her skirt practically around her waist, giving Bellamy full access if he tugged her panties to the side. But he didn’t choose that route, pulling her sweater over her head, leaving the untucked camisole.

Bellamy kissed the mole on Clarke’s shoulder, trailing an intoxicating line of lips and tongue across her collarbone to that sweet spot on her neck that has her arching her back every time, this time was no different, encouraging Bellamy to do more.

“Clarke—“

“Mm,” she hummed, her senses overwhelmed.

“This okay?” he murmured, his fingers inching her camisole up so slowly, Clarke wanted to throw it across the room to feel him closer, to feel the furnace of skin he’s concealing.

“Mm-hmm.”

“I need a yes, babe. I’m not forcing myself on you.”

“Bell, I’ve wanted you for six years. No words could ever change that.”

She felt his smirk against her chest before pulling back just enough to pull her camisole over her head, gaping at her breasts like they’re magical, like he always did.

“Fuck I’ve missed these,” he smiled, his hands coming up to cup them in her bra, his thumbs grazed over her nipples as she gasped, yanking on the back of his shirt, wanting the heat of his skin on hers.

He simultaneously flipped them over, Clarke laying on her back with him over her, and unclasped her bra. He pulled his shirt off and let it fall onto the floor before leaning down for another piercing kiss.

His mouth latched onto a nipple and Clarke crooned, needing more, craving all that was Bellamy Blake. His hand pinched her other nipple while the other left a trail of tingles up her thigh as it crept under her skirt, riding it up more.

“What’d you miss, baby?”

“Your mouth, your hands. Fuck, Bell, your dick. I missed everything. I want everything,” Clarke cried, arching her back, trying to help his fingers up her damn skirt.

“Patience, babe, I got you.”

Clarke relaxed into the couch, letting Bellamy doing what he pleased with her body, making her body sing. He pulled her skirt up more and pulled her panties down, admiring the damp lacey fabric. Angling Clarke’s hips to the edge of the couch, he knelt on the floor between her thighs.

Bellamy’s hand glided over Clarke’s hip and waist, entrapping a nipple between his fingers, plying it easily. As Clarke gasped to the devastating sensation, his tongue pressed deliciously against her clit, not allowing her to get a breath she desperately needed. Her mind went blank, her body pliant to any and everything Bellamy would ask of it.

“Damn, you taste so good,” he said just before delving his tongue between her lips as her fingers fisted into his wind-mussed hair. His tongue went back to teasing flicks over her clit, Clarke could barely hear her obvious audible ministrations of pleasure. Hell, it’s been a long while and she can make whatever sounds she deems fit.

Bellamy quickly got bored with the blatant teasing and sucked her clit deep, grazing his teeth against the sensitive nub. Clarke crooning with that perfect balance of pain and pleasure.

Clarke’s mind drifted in that blissed out pleasure that came with the tightening spring, coiling tighter and tighter dep inside her, ready to break when Bellamy pulled back with a solid lick and looked up at her. His fingers frozen on her taught nipple and she groaned at the loss of his expert tongue. When suddenly two of his fingers pushed inside her, turning them skillfully as his mouth descended on her clit.

The blissed out pleasure came back with a vengeance, the only thing grounding her was that this was Bellamy, her first time with Bellamy in six years. How he could still play her like a fiddle as the quick flicks of his tongue and crooks of his fingers drove her to her magnanimous release. Bellamy lapping up every last drop.

“I forgot you did that,” he smirked with a lick of his lips. He leaned back and looked at her pink cunt in amazement before he got up and kissed Clarke sweetly, hating that the skirt obstructed his view of her beautiful naked body.

“What do I do?” Clarke finally asked, coming down from her orgasmic state.

“Squirt, it’s something I’d never thought I’d come across until we had sex. It’s fucking glorious babe, it’s one of the best compliments.”

“It’s fucking embarrassing.”

“I just praised you for it princess. Take it at face value.”

“I need another minute, Bell. Then we can go for more.”

“Are you—we don’t have to. I—“

“I’m not going to come back after six years and not fuck my hu—“ Clarke got stuck on the word, not knowing if that’s what she should be calling him. They’re separated, she doesn’t have a claim on him really.

“Husband,” Bellamy said, assuring her. “I’m your husband.”

Clarke smiled up at Bellamy then made a face. “Um, this is where Roan’s been sleeping. So—“

“Bedroom?”

“Unless you want to leave.”

“I kind of want to fuck my wife,” he admitted.

“So loquacious, Bellamy,” Clarke laughed as Bellamy lifted her bridal style like he did all those years ago, taking he to the bedroom.

Dropping Clarke unceremoniously onto the mattress, she scrambled to her knees and yanked on Bellamy’s waistband, bringing him closer to the mattress as she unbound his button and pulled down the zipper.

“Princess?” he asked in that low tone that always told her that he wanted something he didn’t think he deserved, but lucky for him, she was already thinking it, years out of practice, she thought that maybe he’d be a little more forgiving on the execution.

Yanking his pants down, Clarke looked at the gray boxer briefs that miraculously contained his obviously erect penis. “Lay down,” Clarke demanded.

Bellamy quirked an eyebrow at her unexpected demand but obliged, lying next to her on his back. “I don’t think you’ve ever told me what to do before.”

“Probably because you’re always so needy and demanding. Also, I liked when you took charge,” Clarke quipped, pulling his boxers down, revealing his thick shaft that was _so_ ready for her.

“You do?”

She rolled her eyes at his need to talk instead of just waiting until later. “Yeah, but maybe later, there’s something I want to do first.”

“Could you do it later? I really want to fuck you.”

“Will you shut up? Jesus, you’d think giving a man a blow job would be easy,” she complained, wrapping her hand around his cock, positioning herself between his bare legs.

“You know I prefer cunnilingus and fucking. Blow jobs are fine but—“

He couldn’t finish his statement due to Clarke flicking her tongue over the tip swiftly a few times, sufficiently shutting him up. She wanted to chuckle at the simplicity of the gesture but decided to focus on the matter at hand, getting him off with her mouth as he just did for her.

Clarke swirled her tongue around the head as his hand grabbed her shoulder, a sign that told her it felt good before she took more into her mouth, knowing not to push herself, this was supposed to be relaxing, don’t do too much, don’t push too far, they can take it slow, work back up to where they were. Bellamy may not like blow jobs, but he certainly liked Clarke’s always getting off and she always let his release slide down her throat. She intends on making the same happen, but only slower.

Bellamy groaned as Clarke sucked, pulling him out slowly before bobbing her head back down, a slow rhythm. She continued the motion for a while, with and without her hand’s help at the base. Clarke looking up at Bellamy and finding adoration and frustration in his eyes, Clarke felt him holding himself back from jutting his hips up, into her mouth more. He wants this to last just as much as she does.

“Baby, I can’t, _please,_ ” he begged.

Clarke slid his cock onto the hollow of her tongue and pressed it up against the roof of her mouth, giving one last suck before letting it _pop!_ out of her mouth.

“You’re serious?”

“Yes! God, get up here!”

Clarke obliged, climbing as slow as she possibly could because torturing a horny Bellamy was always fun for her, regardless of how eager she was to get him inside her.

“Such a fucking tease,” he growled, rolling them over.

He smirked looking down at Clarke, her hair fanned out over the pillow. Clarke missed the playfulness of sex with Bellamy, the teasing and the perfect mix of adoration and crassness in his words. She couldn’t believe that they were here, not after everything that’s happened and certainly not after today.

But then again, they needed today, they needed to clear the air and relieve some tension that they were holding back on. They were putting up a front for Jake’s sake but they needed to talk and more than anything, they needed to clear the air.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” he said in awe as he leaned down and kissed her.

Clarke’s anticipation wasn’t for long because the moment that kiss ended, Bellamy lined himself up and thrusted into him as she gasped, her pussy not used to the fullness of Bellamy after six years.

“Fuck you’re so tight, babe. It feels amazing!” he said pulling out and pushing back in, not even giving Clarke a moment to adjust, but she didn’t care, she was happy with Bellamy there with her.

He set the rhythm that Clarke chased but couldn’t quite perfect, she was out of practice. He couldn’t blame her and he certainly didn’t act like he did.

Clarke hitched her leg around his hip, changing the angle so when he thrusted into her again he’d hit that spot deep inside her, the one that has her seeing stars behind her eyes.

After a few thrusts, Bellamy felt her walls tighten around his shaft. Clarke came with a drawn-out moan that Bellamy swore was his name, Bellamy followed a few thrusts later, collapsing on top of her.

They breathed in each other’s sweat and musk before Bellamy rolled over and pulled Clarke onto his chest, their legs tangling together as they slowly came down off their high.

Clarke was the first to speak, “By the way, I told you what to do our first time.”

“Okay, you were seventeen, it was illegal for me to do anything to you.”

“You really thought they’d know if we had sex? They didn’t even know I’m bisexual and it’s not like I hid that either.”

“I’m glad you forced my hand,” he smirked into her hair.

“You could have said no, you just never did.”

“Sleep, babe, we have some logistics to go over later.”

Clarke nodded, remembering how Bellamy stroked her hip after sex, trying to keep the memory from leading away from the amazing sex they had and detour it over to Gina, wondering if he did that with her after too.

She felt Bellamy’s breaths even out after a minute but couldn’t bring herself to sleep, thoughts of Bellamy and Gina swarming her head.

* * *

**September 15, 2005**

Clarke didn’t want to deal with it. She didn’t want to feel everything, she wanted to be numb. She needed Bellamy, but he was in class, she couldn’t ask him to leave just because she was back in town, getting a week from school to help her mother plan the funeral.

She went to his apartment and unlocked the door with the key he gave her when she was leaving for Georgetown with Octavia, they’re dormmates. She offered to go back to Arkadia with her but Clarke didn’t want O to miss out on the expensive education she worked her ass off for, with a soccer scholarship, but still, a week away was too much to ask.

Dropping her bag on the bench next to the door, Clarke turned the TV on and grabbed the container of Oreos she knew Bellamy kept stocked up and watched a Degrassi marathon, letting her brain melt into oblivion, completely overwhelmed with grief.

She didn’t know how many episodes passed before the door opened behind her.

“Oh, thank God!” Bellamy sighed. “Your mother called me frantic looking for you. Your train arrived four hours ago and—“ Bellamy sat on the couch next to Clarke. “I’m just glad I found you.”

“He’s my best friend,” Clarke cried, tears swelled in her eyes and she’s surprised how long they’ve held off already.

Bellamy pulled Clarke into his chest, “Shh, baby. I know. I got you.”

Clarke continued crying on Bellamy’s shoulder for God only knows how long before she fell asleep, too exhausted from crying. Bellamy carried her to his bed, letting her sleep while he started working on dinner after sending Abby Griffin a quick text telling her that her daughter was safe and asleep.

“What are you making?” he heard a soft, hoarse voice ask behind him.

“Chicken parm.”

“My favorite.”

Bellamy nodded, “How are you?”

“Been better. I just—I needed to see you.”

“Your mom feels the same way, you know.”

“She has Jaha and Kane. I have you.”

“Octavia, Raven, Wells,” he offered, placing the tray in the oven.

“All away at school. You’re here and you’re my favorite.”

“I won’t tell the others,” Bellamy smirked and turned around to find Clarke wearing his white t-shirt. Just his t-shirt. “Clarke,” he choked as she closed the distance between them.

“You let me sleep in jeans.”

“A thirty-minute nap isn’t sleep.”

“You haven’t kissed me yet.”

“It’s been two months, I forgot how to.”

“We can’t have that now, can we?” Clarke smirked, leaning up to press her lips against Bellamy’s.

* * *

**November 25, 2016**

She didn’t know when she’d drifted off but she was grateful when she woke up. Stretching, she realized that she was alone in bed and her mind was reeling about everything that went wrong the night before, but couldn’t find anything that would have Bellamy running for the hills the morning after.

_Jake_ , her mind finally catching up, something could have happened to Jake and Bellay had to leave. She can deal with that. That’s acceptable, he can’t just leave without a reason.

Clarke got out of bed and grabbed an over-sized t-shirt from a drawer and pulled it on as she walked out to the kitchen to make coffee, only to find Bellamy, only dressed in his boxer briefs, standing at the stove, cooking.

“What are you doing?” Clarke grumbled.

Bellamy “Making eggs, you still like eggs, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” she said confused, why was he cooking eggs instead of sleeping with her?

“I woke up two hours ago and figured you might be hungry when you woke up so I came out here to cook us breakfast only to find your fridge void of anything but leftover Chinese and milk for your coffee. So I went out, wrote you a note telling you as much, and when I came back you were still asleep and here we are.”

“Okay?”

“Coffee is freshly ground and made. I did that too this morning, I can’t believe you’ve been drinking pre-ground coffee. It’s like I haven’t taught you anything over the years.”

“Bellamy, stop. I don’t—breakfast is your thing, it’s always been your thing. I had coffee and I’m okay with it until lunch. What I’m not okay with is you pretending like we’re okay, that this is normal. I’m freaking out, partly because I thought you left me this morning but also because you’re acting as though it’s every other morning and you’ve just gotten back from a week away somewhere and was mad that I didn’t grind my own coffee beans while you were away when it was me that was gone and you should be furious because it was six years, not just rehab.”

“I was mad, you know I was mad, I didn’t hide it. I wanted to be stupid and petty and keep you from Jake, but I didn’t because I knew that somehow you’d get to see him. Fighting or not, spend three hundred dollars on an hour with Indra or three grand on court fees, you were going to see him and I’d rather have control over it than have it be court appointed. Clarke, I want you to see him, I want him to know you, because you’re amazing. Really, I have no idea how you don’t live like a hermit with all the alcoholic temptations and obstacles around you.”

“My hus—husband owning the only bar in town is a plus.”

“Why can’t you call me your husband?”

“Because I’m not sure it’s what you want.”

“Clarke, we had sex last night, I wouldn’t have fallen into bed with you if I didn’t want to.”

“Sex is sex Bellamy, you fell back into bed with Gina when you thought Roan and I were something. You can’t say that meant nothing and this was something. I love you, I think I will always love you, but knowing that you did that hurts, you went out of your way to hurt me and it worked. You hurt me.”

“Clarke—“

“No, Bellamy. Last night shouldn’t have happened the way it happened. We’ve been a mess since I’ve come back and it’s as much my fault as it is yours. You want to take time for yourself, fine, do it. I just can’t play this back and forth with you, it’s not helping my sobriety.”

“What do you want me to do Clarke?”

“I don’t know! I think Gina is an out for you, I think that’s how you see her. If things with me get too difficult, then you turn to her and it isn’t fair to her or me. You need to talk to me if I’m doing something or if Roan is a problem. I can’t do something if I don’t know there’s a problem.”

“That’s fair.”

“That’s more than fair, Bellamy. It’s like you don’t remember what a relationship is like, you run at the first sign of conflict when you’re supposed to confront it and fight for what you want. But if you don’t want me, you don’t want a family, tell me, don’t let me sit around hoping you choose me.”

“Okay. So what are we going to do?”

“’We’? Bellamy, this is you, what you want, I can’t help you decide.”

“I meant about Jake. You’ll take him tomorrow night and see how it goes and then ask if he’s okay if you stay at the house with him while I’m away. I think I’m going to visit Jasper in Colorado.”

Clarke nodded, “I can do that, I can take you to the airport and use your truck during the week instead of walking everywhere. It’ll be good to spend more time with him if you do want me back.”

“That’s not the problem, Clarke,” Bellamy said to the floor.

“Then what is? Because you’re acting like I’m the problem.”

“I don’t know if I can trust you.”

Clarke scoffed, “There it is.”

“Why are you doing this, Clarke? We were fine and now you’re fighting with me, it makes no sense!”

“No, Bellamy! what doesn’t make sense right now is us. You don’t trust me and I don’t trust you around Gina.”

“I’m not firing my best bartender.”

“Your _favorite_ bartender, Bellamy,” Clarke spat at him. She didn’t want to fight with him but he was just acting so ridiculous. None of what has happened since Clarke moved back was what should have happened. No, she didn’t expect Bellamy to welcome her back with open arms, but she also didn’t expect him to give her a chance and then go sleep with someone else once the road had gotten a little bumpy. She didn’t know what she expected but was glad that one part of her return was going well, Jacob.

“If that’s what you want to believe, fine. I can stay away from her, but I’m not firing her.”


	10. Al the Wrong Things (Realize)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roan and Raven... Roan and Clarke... Clarke and Jake (and Bellamy)... Bellamy and Lincoln...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've had a shitty two weeks and I tried writing this and getting it out "on time" (once a week) so while filling out so much paperwork and horrible L.A. driving (Other people's not mine... I also got lost and somehow wound up in Harbor City), I somehow pushed this chapter out of me. Some aspects were fun and others weren't but I feel like it turned out well.
> 
> Aside from having a bad few weeks, I returned home to New York, prepared to go to work the next morning, only to wake up with a snow day, so a day relaxing and seeing my baby brother was a nice change of pace from funeral planning in LA.

**November 2, 2016**

Roan walked into the garage and his eyes quirked up at the sight of a woman in the shop, but figured it’s the woman Clarke spoke about, the one that helped Bellamy with their son, she had the name of a bird, which bird, he couldn’t remember.

“Can I help you?” she asked, carrying a tire from one side of the room to the car she’s working on.

“Yes, my motorcycle is making some noise, I don’t… I usually have people deal with it for me but my assistant quit a few months ago and the temps the agency sent over which aren’t working out so well compared to her so here I am stuck in Arkadia, Virginia with no way to—“

“Okay, slow the hell down, no one talks that fast down here. Where’s the bike?”

“Outside.”

The woman grimaced and Roan thought the look made her look more serious. “Do you know Clarke Griffin?”

“That’s the assistant I was referring to.”

“I can’t help you,” she said and turned her back on him to get back to work on the car.

“Oh, come on, why not?”

“Because you know Clarke. Any friend of Clarke’s isn’t a friend of mine.”

“I’m not asking for a friend, I’m looking for bike help,” Roan grimaced.

“I said no.”

“I don’t even get a chance to explain how I know her? That I never once thought that sleeping with a married woman was an option?”

“They’re separated,” Raven corrected.

“Giving him the right to sleep with Gina, sure. But to Clarke, they were still married, all the separation papers did was give her more time to work on her sobriety. You have no idea how many situations I helped her work out for when she’d come back.”

“That didn’t give her the right to stay away for six years!” she raised her voice and Roan thought he could understand her perspective, but there was something about her that made Roan see that Raven wasn’t seeing it from Clarke’s perspective, but rather from the view of an overprotective mama bear. From what Clarke’s told him over the years, it was somewhat out of character for Raven, more Octavia and Bellamy’s style, but damn was it hot on her.

“Would you have been any friendlier to her if she’d come back three years ago? That was when she first thought she was ready and the thought of coming back here and facing Octavia, nearly drove her to drink.”

“Octavia drives everyone to drink, it’s her thing. What kind of bike?”

“Indian Chief Dark Horse.”

“You had me at Indian,” the girl smirked, dropping the screw gun and headed out the garage to Roan’s bike. “I’m Raven Reyes, by the way.”

“Roan Iceman.”

“Yeah, the guys at the station actually looked you up already, we saw all the pictures of you and Clarke at benefits and stuff.”

Raven knelt at the bike and looked at the engine, biting her lip. Roan couldn’t help but watch her, she was enthralling.

“Helping her stay sober while being around alcohol, it was good practice for her and each time she was my plus one, I paid for a class so it was a win-win.”

Raven spun around and glared at Roan, “You paid for her teaching degree?”

“I’m a generous boss. But then again, Clarke was more than I hoped for in an employee.”

“And you’re staying with her?”

“For the time being, I’m looking into a building in Richmond but the owner is giving me the run around, so until I can speak with him, I’m here.”

“You’re in real estate?”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“The other guy I know in real estate is running for president.”

“I’m never going to run for president.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, I don’t think I’d be good for the country. I can’t even hold down an assistant.”

“I hear that says more about them than it does you,” Raven quipped, standing up with a pained expression. “Is the problem a strange valve like noise when you hit 2400 RPM?”

“I haven’t paid attention to the RPM, but yeah.”

“They released a statement saying that it’s normal, which you wouldn’t expect. Um, I can still look into it, but I think it’s just the engine.”

“You’re sure?”

“Believe it or not, just because I can’t ride a bike, doesn’t mean I can’t know everything about them.”

“You can’t ride?”

“I don’t really talk about it, but when I lived in LA, I was in the cross fire of a drive-by shooting and the doctors thought I would be paralyzed. Now I just can’t do anything involving two legs.”

“That must suck.”

“Yeah, and thank you for not apologizing, it drives me nuts when I give people my sob story and they apologize like they could have stopped it from happening.”

“I was in LA, I could have!” Roan smirked.

“Well, then why didn’t you, asshole!” Raven smirked.

“I was too awe-struck.”

Raven face fell as she watched him for a minute, gauging his statement. “Tomorrow. Dropship. Eight o’clock.”

“Sounds good,” Roan smiled and hopped on his bike. “There’s not going to be an angry mob there waiting for me, is there?”

“No, it’s Bellamy’s night off so we should have a pitchfork free night.”

* * *

**November 26, 2016**

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Bellamy asked Jake for the umpteenth time.

“Yes, Dad,” he said rolling his eyes and Bellamy grimaced, wondering how troublesome the boy was going to be as a teenager.

“And you have my number if anything happens?”

“Do you want something to happen? This is Mom, she can handle one night with me, I’m not _that_ bad.” Bellamy imagined the young boy rolling his impossibly blue eyes, his mother’s eyes, while saying that, trying to keep his own focus on the road in front of them.

“You will regret saying that when you have children of your own in thirty years.”

“You were twenty-eight.”

Bellamy turned the steering wheel, taking them towards Clarke’s apartment. “I stand by thirty-five.” Bellamy wasn’t even thirty-five.

Jake laughed, Bellamy mostly said things like that to him in hopes that they stick. Not that he regrets having Jake when he did, just how they did. Bellamy often thought that if they’d waited and Clarke came back from rehab and they tried that their lives would be better. Her return proved that in the two months she’s been here. “I memorized your phone number, I’ve had it memorized for three years. We’ll be fine, Dad, she has board games and is ordering sausage pizza, my favorite. She’s trying, let her.”

“Okay, but call me the second you hate it.”

“I’m not going to hate it.”

“I’m just giving you the option.”

“Go have fun with Uncle Lincoln. You haven’t spent time with him since summer.”

“Even my son is telling me how to live my life! I’m never going to be my own person!” Bellamy grumbled, reaching over to tickle Jake, causing a roar of laughter that lightened the mood as Bellamy pulled the truck over in front of Niylah’s store to go up to Clarke’s apartment.

“Hey!” she exclaimed opening the door, giving Jake a huge hug. Bellamy received a wary smile.

“Did you get it?” Jake asked excited.

“Did I get it? Of course, I got it! You asked for it!”

“For what?”

Jake and Clarke exchanged a look and laughed as Jake ran into the kitchen, leaving Clarke and Bellamy in the doorway.

“What’s that about?” Bellamy asked.

“We’ll be fine, Bellamy. Stop worrying.”

“He’s not allowed to play with knives or anywhere near fire.”

“I know, Bellamy. He’s almost six, I’m fairly certain both of those are frowned upon until at least ten years old,” Clarke smirked.

“Okay, I’m with Lincoln tonight so if you need anything or if anything happens…”

“Bell, we’ll be fine, I have my mom on speed dial. Just plan your vacation and I’ll tell you if this works out.”

“Okay,” Bellamy leaned in for a kiss but Clarke turned her head so he kissed her cheek. He forgot about their argument the other day and wished they could talk instead of yell, but Jake was in the other room and Clarke looks like she’s not in the mood to talk to him.

“Jake, come say goodbye to Dad!” she called.

Jake came running from the kitchen and jumped into Bellamy’s arms as he squeezed him tight. “I’ll miss you, bud,” Bell told him and Jake sighed.

“You say that every time you leave.”

“I know, but you’re my little man, I can’t not miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, Dad,” he smirked and Bellamy wondered if he inherited it from him or just watched him over the years and practiced.

“You’re taking him to your mom’s tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I think she’s taking us to lunch and just exchanging him. More finite details tomorrow, you know how the hospital is sometimes.”

“Yeah, I do. So, you’ll call and let me know or…”

“Call, text, whatever. I just want him to be comfortable.”

“Mom, come on!” Jake said tugging on Clarke’s arm.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” she said and turned back to Bellamy. “We’ll see you, Bell,” she said and Bellamy stepped back onto the deck and Clarke closed the door separating Bellamy from his family for the first time in six years.

* * *

“You seriously need to stop worrying about them. They’re fine, Bell, this was your idea anyway,” Lincoln said during the commercial of the Notre Dame v Army game at the Dropship.

“I can’t stop worrying, she hates me.”

“No, she hates how you’ve been acting and I don’t blame her, you’ve been an ass to her since she got back.”

“What would you have done if it was O?”

“I’d be pissed, no doubt, but I wouldn’t have her jumping through the insane hoops you have Clarke jumping through.”

“Like what? I don’t think I’m making her jump through anything.”

“Gina,” Lincoln pointed his beer bottle down the bar towards where Bellamy suspected Gina was working. “You’re hurting them both with that one. She can only see Jake on Saturdays, and Thanksgiving,” Bellamy made a face at the holiday. “You gave her that because it was at her mom’s house. What did you do?”

“We had sex,” Bellamy grimaced, the seriousness of the conversation took his already partial focus off the football game and back into the horrible realness of his marital situation. “That’s what she’s mad at me about. She also says she can’t trust me around Gina.”

“I don’t either. I don’t know what that girl is to you, but she’s not good when you’re trying to get back together with your wife.”

“I think I miss the idea of marriage more than I do being married,” Bellamy admitted, mostly to himself, the slight realization hit him suddenly.

“That makes no sense.”

“The idea of being married, the permanence, the always having someone to come home to, but the ball-and-chain reality sucks.”

“You were married a year before Maya died, then it all went downhill. You had the honeymoon year before Clarke’s life went up in flames. You were trying to be a good friend to Jasper while being a good husband, trying to figure out what Clarke needed when you should have been focusing on Clarke. Jasper had us all, he didn’t need you, Clarke needed you.”

“I can’t take that back, I can’t take responsibility for Clarke when she wouldn’t talk to me. Believe me, I tried with her, but she was just too stubborn,” he chugged the rest of his pint of Sam Adams before reaching around the bar, refilling his glass at the tap.

“Like you?” Lincoln asked, as Bellamy sat back in his seat with a full glass of beer. “Bellamy, you and Clarke are the two most stubborn people I know. If you got it in your head that you weren’t going to forgive her, you won’t. Whether you love her or not, you would _not_ forgive her. I think it’s what you’re doing to her right now, you’re making her work harder than she has to for your forgiveness, when you should be happy that she hasn’t had a drink yet. Hell, if I were in her shoes, I’d have been back in rehab in two weeks. Clarke is strong and resilient, but Bellamy, something on your end has to give.”

“I have to leave,” Bellamy said, more to himself than to Lincoln, knowing that Lincoln made a lot of sense.

“You really think that you leaving will do any good? What are you going to do with Jake?”

“Clarke can handle him, that’s what tonight is for. A test for her to see if she can handle him alone and overnight.”

“Does she know it’s a test?”

“It was her idea for it to be a test run,” Bellamy drank some of his cold beer.

“So, sex hasn’t changed anything between you?”

“She’s angry that it happened, I thought it made us better, but I think she’s right. I think she has a better sense and outlook on it all, that rehab helped her look at things from a better perspective than she had before.”

“In other words, she doesn’t put up with your bullshit.”

“Essentially. I get this feeling that Roan has something to do with it too, but I don’t want to argue with her over him when he’s with Raven or they’re sex buddies, I don’t want to know.”

“Sex buddies sounds dirtier than fuck buddies.”

“Yeah, well, I think they’re more than fuck buddies but the fact that he lives in Boston is bringing them back down to the level of non-committal sex that Raven’s craved and Roan wants? But there are some feelings there, you saw them at Thanksgiving.”

“Oh, yeah, I wanted to tell the girls not to look at some points. I didn’t even want to look.”

“I was shocked to say the least, but at least it explained why Raven was pushing me to talk to Clarke the last three weeks.”

“Aside from it being the mature thing to do?”

“Aside from that,” Bellamy scoffed, taking another sip of beer.

* * *

**November 3, 2016**

“What would you do if I told you I had a date tomorrow?” Roan asked, setting the dinner table.

Clarke froze with the cooked chicken parm in her mitted hands. “Um, what?”

“A date.”

“A real date?” she asked in disbelief, placing the pan on the stove top.

“I think so. I mean she said we’re meeting at the Dropship, which is a bar, but it can start with drinks and proceed to dinner or a casual meal, right?”

“One: she who? Two: how do you not know standard dating protocol?”

“The last five years I’ve spent wining and dining you, pretty unsuccessfully and Raven Reyes.”

“Rav—wha— _how_?” Clarke practically yelled.

“To which part?” Roan asked.

“Raven!”

“Um, well, I went to get that weird noise checked on the Dark Horse and I’m pretty sure we flirted and I think I came on a little too strong and next thing I knew she said ‘Tomorrow. Dropship. Eight o’clock.’ And I said it sounded good. So that’s tonight in two hours.”

“It could be a trap, that’s Bellamy’s bar. What if—“

“He’s not working, I did ask about pitch forks.”

“With the people in this town, you should be worried about flame throwers.”

“I think I’ll be fine with Raven around, I hear people fear her.”

“This means you’re putting down roots here, you know?”

“Because my best friend and maybe girlfriend, since I’m jumping the gun, are here? Yeah, I’m aware. You know Trump has buildings all over the world and he’s stationed out of New York.”

“Don’t bring him up. He shouldn’t be your role model for anything. Do business how you feel fit, don’t copy someone else’s work.”

“I’m pretty sure he didn’t start in Boston and choose Richmond as his next business venture.”

“I don’t know and I really don’t care, I’m still rather pissed about the whole Raven thing.”

“I know you told her to fuck off when I arrived but she seemed to really listen to me when I explained everything and even said that her friends at the police station looked me up and she knows that there’s nothing between us.”

“I’m trying not to care about other people’s opinions besides Jake’s and Bellamy’s but it’s difficult when they’re all intricately woven into both of their lives!” Clarke sighed. “Raven is a good person, you’ll definitely like her, but I just don’t know if I can spend time with her after the way she’s been treating me. She’s certainly not welcome _here_.”

“I didn’t ask that. Um, speaking of your apartment, how would you like me to pay you back for staying here?”

“What are you offering?”

“You’ve learned after years of lowballing me, damn! Um, depending on how long I stay. If it’s more than a month, you get a car, if it’s under a month you get a car.”

“I think I’d like a car,” Clarke smirked.

“How do you manage?”

“I had you in Boston and I like walking, it’s healthy, but a car would be handy for groceries.”

“Christmas presents, you have a village now. It’s weird to see.”

“You met Bell and Raven. Raven isn’t getting anything this year and I wouldn’t know what to get Bellamy, he doesn’t ever want much.”

“So go shopping with Jake, find out.”

“It’s not like I can take him anywhere, I’m stuck at Raven’s or at the park. Nowhere near the mall.”

“We’ll go look for a car after work tomorrow, okay?”

“I don’t—fine, we’re going to _look_ , Roan. Not buy the first one I show some excitement over. Looks aren’t everything, there’s practicality too.”

“Like a Civic?”

“I don’t want a Civic. Are you eating dinner or are you going to wait for Raven and see if that’s what she was planning?”

“I’m hungry, I’m eating with you.”

Clarke rolled her eyes as she turned to the cabinets behind her to grab plates for them.

* * *

**November 26, 2016**

“I’m warning you now, I’m not good at this,” Clarke grimaced at the table top in front of her. Jake knelt on a chair next to her, looking over the ingredients spread over their work space.

“You’re the one that said you wanted to make it up to Auntie Tava, right? Well, it’s Mel’s birthday Sunday, we need to bake her a cake. It’s a gesture, Uncle Lincoln taught us that actions speak louder than words.”

“What do you mean Lincoln taught you?”

“He’s my kindergarten teacher.”

“I did not know that,” Clarke smiled, kissing the top of Jake’s head before turning her phone on to read the directions on how to bake a chocolate cake d. her adorable three-year-old niece she didn’t know she had until two days ago.

“He’s the best!”

“I always liked him. Your dad however, he did not, but that’s a story for when you’re older. Now help me with this cake, this was your idea!”

Clarke set the oven to three hundred and fifty degrees before turning back to the counter to help her son measure out all the ingredients to mix together, hoping that the batter will turn out perfect, she didn’t want to have to do this all over again. She wasn’t food preparation inclined.

“Grandma and I did this for Daddy’s birthday last year, he doesn’t like on chocolate though.”

“No, he hates chocolate. We had lemon cake at our wedding, it wasn’t my favorite, but he liked it. That’s all I cared about.”

“Daddy said you didn’t want a big wedding, that Grandma made it bigger than you wanted.”

Clarke and Jake began working on mixing the ingredients together while they talked. And Clarke chuckled at the memories from wedding planning seven—no, eight years ago. She gave Bellamy one good year before ruining everything they had, drinking her life away, the first six years of their son’s life was a mystery to her. She did that to them, she did that to Jake, to Bellamy. why would they forgive her? Why should she be forgiven? She left them to essentially fend for themselves, Bellamy was searching for a teaching position, he should be a teacher, not the owner of a bar that his wife can’t even go into without temptation.

 _Wife._ No, she’s not his wife, legally she is but she’s been gone six of the eight years, how could they be deemed married when they’ve been apart far longer than they were together? That thought brought Clarke back to the present where her son just said something about her mother with the wedding, Clarke’s wedding to Bellamy, right.

“She did. I wanted to elope, go to city hall and have the justice of the peace marry us, not the big white dress down the aisle in a church. Your grandma settled for a backyard wedding. I still wore the white dress, but it was the dress I wanted, not the big princess dress, though your father would have preferred that. It was his nickname for me.”

“Princess?” he asked, making a face.

“Yeah, we came from two different world, so it was somewhat scandalous to Grandma’s friends and coworkers, her daughter marrying a poor man. She cared about that, she fought me at every turn once your grandfather died. Sorry, my father, not Grandpa Kane. she changed, but I think it was because she felt she had to be twice the parent she was before. I just wanted my mom.”

“Dad said I would have liked him.”

Clarke smiled, knowing her father would have loved Jake, “You were named after him, you know.”

“Dad didn’t tell me that.”

“I wouldn’t assume he would. Your father is still mad at me for leaving, whether he admits it or not. I wasn’t there when he named you, but I am thankful that he respected my wishes and named you after my father.”

“Did grandpa like Daddy?” Jake asked, the name for Bellamy reminded Clarke of how young and innocent her son was, she knows he’s almost six, knows his innocence, but sometimes he’s a lot older than he should be. Telling him all the drama and heartache his family has endured wasn’t something a six-year-old should know about. Not yet, he should keep as much innocence as he possibly can before he finds out how cruel and twisty the world can be.

But Clarke couldn’t lie to him, “He liked him when he was just O’s brother, O and I were best friends, you know? He didn’t like how we butted heads and argued every time we were together, but liked and respected your dad’s family values, how he took care of O once their mother died. He’d just graduated high school and had scholarships that covered the cost of college and he worked two jobs. Once he got some grants that went to him and not directly to the school, he could quit one of the jobs. But then he and I got together so he was as busy as he was before but not working so hard, he could relax. He was more tolerable when he was relaxed. I think my dad appreciated how your father managed his time between everything.”

“You, school and work?”

“Y—yeah. I—I wish I knew why he wasn’t teaching. He loved history more than anybody I know.”

“He tells me stories at night, before bed. Names I don’t understand, Octavia was one of them.”

Clarke smiled, “They’re myths, your dad’s favorite, he doesn’t read from a book?”

“No.”

“I wouldn’t think so, he has to have memorized them all by now.”

“He told me that you gave him something when you first met, something extremely valuable and rare, so beautiful, but at the time he didn’t appreciate it, didn’t know it’s value. Do you know what that is?”

“When we first met? That was sixteen years ago, I couldn’t—I don’t… I was fifteen and in love with a boy who loved someone else, I was angry, I didn’t give him anything,” Clarke grimaced, pouring the chocolate batter into one of the two round pans she had to buy for this cake they’re making, before pouring the second half into the other pan.

“I like knowing about you and Daddy. I don’t like how you two are now, I want to see you with him like the photo album.”

“What photo album?” Clarke asked him, knowing it couldn’t have been their wedding album, that was tucked away in the garage, she’d put it there before she left in case Bellamy wanted to get rid of everything reminding him of her.

“Grandma showed me at Thanksgibing, you and Daddy and Auntie Tava and Raven. Uncle Miller and Murphy.”

“Oh, God, Murphy is your uncle too?”

“He spends most of his time with Emori, I think he’s scared of kids.”

Clarke laughed, helping Jake off the chair, handing him one of the pans before opening the oven door so the cake could bake. She picked up the other one and they both slid the pans into the oven, careful not to touch the burning hot rack, before closing the door.

Clarke knew that Murphy was afraid of kids, she was also surprised that he’s seeing someone, maybe that’s too serious a phrasing, that he’s…seeing someone. All through high school and college, Murphy was too much of a douche bag to date anyone let alone have flings. Honestly surprised Bellamy could even get girls with his assholiness, but then again there was something that pulled her into his clutches and twelve years later she’s still here. Still willing to do anything to keep him, make him hers again, but Clarke also knew that Bellamy had to do some work too, that she couldn’t do it all. She has been doing it all.

And something had to give.


	11. A Christmas Miracle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my computer erupted into flames (figuratively). Any who, it was said that this chapter is going to be late and it is, partly because of the computer debacle and partly because I wrote 9 pages out on a legal pad and my handwriting is atrocious unless I'm at work and people have to read my handwriting (hahaha, you know I'm never going to be a doctor if that's my modus operandi) anyway trying to decipher my jumbled mess of word vomit and Clarke being all Clarke and Octavia being... **don't give it away!**... and watching the season premiere about 1,000 times (I think I have every frame memorized), I didn't have much time. And I also decided to go back to college and move to 700 miles away from everyone I know because I decided that going back to school isn't a big enough change (ha!).
> 
> Anyway, don't hate me for the surprise and please don't hate me for how you (the reader) find out...

**December 23, 2016**

Clarke walked out of the pharmacy trying her hardest not to be noticed. She had the strangest day since her return to Arkadia. First, at lunch in the teachers’ lounge, Monty and Miller joined her and Harper, dragging Emori, the freshman biology teacher, with them, introducing her to Clarke as Murphy’s girlfriend. Miller acted as though the Maya incident never happened, it was refreshing. But then she had her gyno appointment which was a shock, though it also wasn’t. She hadn’t been feeling well for a week.

“Clarke!” she heard in the parking lot, the one person she didn’t want to see. She’d take Octavia’s snide comments over Gina any day. “You dropped—oh,” she said slowly.

Clarke froze, the only thing that could cause that reaction was the picture her doctor just printed out for her. She thought she did a good job burying it in the bottom of her purse. Of course it would be Gina who found it. Clarke turned around and walked the few yards between herself and her husband’s lover.

“You’re pregnant?” she asked, handing over the picture.

“Apparently,” Clarke grimaced, taking the picture and putting it back in her purse.

“You didn’t know?”

“Not until about an hour ago, which means Bellamy doesn’t know and I’d like to be the one to tell him.”

“Of course! How is he? That’s weird to ask isn’t it? I’m sorry.”

“No, I thought you’d know, you work for him.”

“He doesn’t come in when I’m working. He’s avoiding me.”

“Yeah, I think that’s my fault. We fought and I told him that I don’t trust him around you.”

Gina laughed, “I wouldn’t trust him around me either, I actually told him to go be with you. He does love you, Clarke. I think he just doesn’t know how to show it anymore.

Clarke nodded, not wanting to admit that Bellamy that could love Gina but if Clarke fucked up his heart so badly that he couldn’t risk opening his heart again, she could never forgive herself. “He deserves to be happy,” Clarke said more to herself than Gina.

“The baby is his, right?”

Clarke scoffed, “Yeah, the first time I have sex in seven years and I get pregnant. I don’t know if it’s the cosmos pushing us together or trying to tear us apart.”

“Well, just so you know, I’m rooting for you guys. Roan told me a lot about your time in Boston. Give Bellamy some insight to your time away.”

“Bellamy and I don’t talk, we argue.”

“Don’t argue, discuss.”

* * *

**March 18, 2005**

Clarke sat at the desk finishing her AP English paper, overwhelmed. She didn’t know where it was going, lost track of her thesis and truly didn’t want to waste a second of her spring break on this paper, hoping to get it out of the way before the week vacation began. Telling herself that lie took all her strength, if she turned around, she’d see Bellamy lounging across her bed in that threadbare tan t-shirt he favored, reading a paperback of the Iliad. His raven hair, starting out the afternoon damp from a recent shower, would now be tousled from his constant tugging and ruffling it up into the sexy mess she was so accustomed to, but still so turned on from.

All she had to do was turn around, look at him and she’d be lying next to him, listening to him whisper the story into her hair as every word stuck to a cell in his brain, embedding itself for later use. His love of the ancient world befuddled Clarke, but it was his passion, she couldn’t stop—

_CRACK!_

Clarke whipped her head around to find Bellamy cracking his wrist, his sole attention on his book. Clarke smirked, wondering if he’s looked over at her since they got to the house two hours ago.

God, he was gorgeous. His freckles blurred together at this distance, but knowing they were there causing a heat rising within Clarke. A heat she couldn’t stifle, a heat she knew Bellamy had with her around, but avoided or ignored. She couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“Bellamy,” she said softly, trying her voice.

“Mm,” he hummed, eyes glued to the book.

Clarke sighed too quietly, Bellamy didn’t hear it. She waited for the silence to pique his interest, but it never came. “Bellamy.”

“Yes, Princess?” he smirked, but his eyes and focus was still on the damn book, frustrating Clarke even more.

Caving she stood and walked over to the bed, climbing up and straddling his thighs as he closed the book, placing it on her nightstand.

“Clarke,” he sighed, his hands up, not touching Clarke at all. He’s trying not to touch her.

“Yeah?” she asked, bending down to kiss him.

“We can’t,” he said seriously and Clarke pushed up, leaning back on her heels.

“Why can’t we, Bellamy? Your erection is pressing into my ass through our clothes so it’s not as though I don’t turn you on. So what is it? You’ve been dodging this for weeks.”

“You’re seventeen, Clarke. I can kiss you all I want, but that is it for six more months.”

“Bellamy, I—I will be eighteen in six months, yes, but I don’t think I can’t have sex with you for that long! That’s an impossible feat. I can’t wait that long, you can go home and jerk off but I can’t do that, it’s not the same as actual sex for me. And I want you, God, do I want you. My dad won’t have you arrested for this, Bellamy.”

“It’s your mother I’m worried about,” he grumbled and Clarke knew he was right, it would be her mother.

“And in the trial, there will be a dozen people testifying about our relationship and how you fought your attraction from the beginning.”

“The beginning?”

“Octavia told me you’ve liked me for years but never acted.”

“Oh, my God,” he flung his head back on her pillow. “She needs to learn what a filter is and only since you were fifteen, you were awkward and didn’t know about your assets yet. Not that you did after you were fifteen, you just kind of knew who you were and it was enthralling.”

“Assets? You’re _enthralled_ by my assets?”

“I love your assets, I want to worship your assets, but I can’t for six more months. You have to be eighteen.”

“Romeo and Juliet were fourteen and seventeen, Bellamy. They were both children and they fell in love anyway, why is that so different than this?”

“Three years instead of five, they were both underage and they’re both fictitious. And Clarke, if you’re looking for a Romeo, I’m not him. I’m not Prince Charming, Princess.”

“No, you’re King Cockblock,” she grumbled and looked away from him. Why did she think that her practically tackling him would change anything?

Bellamy pushed up onto his elbows, his hands grabbing Clarke’s knees. “You know you’re sexy when you’re mad?”

“Then I’m always sexy because I’m always pissed at you!”

“You’re pissed because I won’t have sex with you?”

“I’m pissed that you’re doing it to stay out of jail. You wouldn’t be going to jail, Bellamy. They’re not going to find out unless we tell them and who the hell wants to tell their parents that they’re having sex? Friends, sure, but not my parents. And talking about them is a mood killer.”

“Good.”

“Not good, Bellamy, how can you possibly wait? A month has been agony for me and now you’re telling me six months when I’m away at—“ Clarke sighed, hating where it was going. “I’ll probably be at school.”

“Right,” Bellamy’s hands slipped from her knees and were idle on the mattress.

Clarke rolled off Bellamy and sat with her back to him. “Just leave.”

“Clarke—“

She couldn’t respond, how could she? She’s giving herself to him and he’s rejecting her. Logically, Clarke knew that it wasn’t what Bellamy was doing but knowing that couldn’t stop her from feeling that way.

Bellamy touched Clarke’s shoulder, “Princess, please. It’s not legal. Not in this state.”

“So we find a state where it is and we go there.”

“Five hundred miles north to New York isn’t happening either, Clarke.”

“You’re going to make me talk to my dad and ask him permission? I will, it’ll be awkward but—“

“Fucking-a, Clarke. You don’t make anything easy. I’m dying to have sex with you, every time we’re alone that’s all I want to do, but I know the consequences and I’d rather not go to jail if it meant I couldn’t be with you.”

Clarke smiled though Bellamy couldn’t see it, he doesn’t want to risk being away from her. It’s not a new notion, he’s said as much a few weeks ago, but Clarke also knew Bellamy. He’s a player, Roma and the other girls, they weren’t anything special to him and he had no problem sleeping with them when they were seventeen. “Roma was seventeen.”

“Roma wasn’t serious and before I knew you were interested, unless you’re telling me you aren’t in this for the long haul, we can…”

“You’re such an asshole!” Clarke pushed off the bed and left the room, she couldn’t even be in the same room as him right now, he could sleep with some random girl, but the second the word “relationship” was uttered, he wouldn’t? What kind of nonsense is that?

“Clarke!” he called after her, finding her downstairs in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water. “Babe, you’re different from them, you’re so much better. You know that. I just—you are so goddamn smart, you’re on the pill, I’ll use a condom, but they’re not one hundred percent effective and I’ll be damned if you don’t go to college because I knock you up, okay?”

Shocked, Clarke turned and looked at Bellamy with a new sense of who Bellamy Blake really is. “You’re protecting me? Bellamy, whether I get pregnant before high school is over or years down the road, I’m going to college. Sure, it might not be right away or I’ll have to take a year off or… I don’t know, but Bellamy, if it happens, it happens. It won’t ruin my life and it sure as hell won’t make me love you or the baby any less.”

“You can’t be so certain of that!”

“We have help, my parents will help. Sure, they won’t be happy, what parent would be? But they wouldn’t want their grandchild to live a life more difficult than it’d have to.”

“You have some very valid arguments, councilor,” Bellamy smirked.

“Really? You think I’m going to have sex with you after all that just because you put that smirk on your face?”

He wrapped his arms around Clarke’s waist and kissed her chastely. “You’ve convinced me.”

“I shouldn’t have to _convince_ you,” she grimaced, trying her hardest to hold back and not give into Bellamy’s temptations, but her quivering thighs did nothing to appease her need of friction between them.

“You have such a way with words and your voice is hella sexy,” he whispered, pressing an open mouthed kiss at the juncture of her jaw and throat, heating her core even more than she thought possible.

Clarke couldn’t stifle her laugh, “Did you just say ‘hella’?”

“Roll with it.” His tongue licked up, behind Clarke’s earlobe and he sucked it between his lips.

“You really have bad location skills,” Clarke whispered back, her breath hitching.

“If I have any time to think about this, it isn’t going to happen. Your parents won’t be home tonight, remember?”

“Bellamy Blake, you’re a pain in my ass, you know that?”

“Only if you really want me to be, but not our first time, okay, babe?”

Clarke scoffed, “I can’t believe you just said that.” She kissed him and Bellamy lifted her into his arms and carried her bridal style up to her bedroom, Clarke chuckling at his over the top ridiculousness the whole way.

* * *

**December 25, 2016**

Clarke pulled into the driveway of her mother’s house, parking next to Bellamy’s truck.

 _Good, he’s here,_ she thought nervously, pulling her phone from her purse to call him.

“Hi, Mommy!” she heard Jake answer after two rings.

“Hey, baby. Where’s Daddy?”

“He’s here. Where are you?”

“I’m outside, could you ask Dad to come help me, there’s a boy in the house deserving Christmas presents,” Clarke smiled, no matter what Bellamy wants with this current situation, Clarke still had Jake. She had a baby to love unconditionally, Jake will be more than enough.

“Daddy, Mommy wants your help outside,” Jake said, assumingly to Bellamy.

“Kane’s going out for firewood,” Clarke heard the deep voice say quietly on the other end.

“Tell him it has to be him.”

Jake repeated it to his father and Clarke heard a quick rustle before a thud. “Kane can help bring presents inside.”

“Jesus, Bell, I need to talk to you privately,” she told him, now annoyed, who knew it took so much work for her to talk to her own husband.

“You should have just said so.”

“Bellamy.”

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

The line went dead and Clarke tapped her thumbs on the steering wheel until she saw Bellamy stepping out of the house, pulling his jacket over his shoulders.

She stepped out of the car with her keys and purse, heading to the trunk, they could talk before bringing gifts in.

“Merry Christmas,” Bellamy grimaced, his hands in his pockets, Clarke didn’t know if it was because he was cold or because he’s being standoffish.

“Merry Christmas.” The tightening in Clarke’s chest was nearly too much to bear. She had to tell him, she knew that, but last time she didn’t have words, her own shock too much to form words. She didn’t bring the picture because she didn’t want anyone else to find it. She has no tangible proof for Bellamy to believe her.

“If you’re fucking leaving, then just go. Don’t give us today, don’t get his hopes up,”; Bellamy said, his jaw locked tight.

Clarke’s eyes met his and she nearly started to cry. “I could never leave him again, how could you-“

“Because this is what you did when you left me!”

Clarke opened her mouth to apologize, but an apology wouldn’t do anything, not for her or Bellamy. Not anymore. “I’m pregnant.”

Bellamy didn’t say anything, his face unmoving as though he’d looked into the eyes of Medusa herself, never to return to her again. Maybe he didn’t hear her and was awaiting her to tell him. Or that she was joking, waiting on her to tell him as much, or a dream, more like a nightmare to him.

“Bellamy-“

“Don’t talk,” he said softly, but Clarke knew him better, knew that it didn’t mean he’d take the news well.

Clarke grimaced, looking at the ground for what felt like forever before Bellamy cleared his throat, her eyes shot up to meet his and the response in his face, in his impossibly dark eyes, only to find an emotionless void.

“Bellamy—“ she said taking a half step towards him but he took a step back, putting his hands up as a barrier.

“Later, let’s get these presents inside.”

“Could you at least tell me what you’re thinking? I’ve been going crazy for two days.”

“You’ve known for two days?”

“Annual Christmas check-up. I didn’t have any symptoms. I didn’t think about it.”

“Glad to know I rocked your world.”

“Bellamy, you know that’s not how I meant it. It was six years of celibacy—“ she sighed, knowing better than to fight _this_ battle. “I didn’t think about the pregnancy risk of unprotected sex.”

“I didn’t either. I was happy, Clarke, I had my wife back! It felt like my life was how it was supposed to be before Cage Wallace killed Maya. That we were newlyweds again.”

“I’d love to go back to that time and do it all over again. The drinking, the fight and Maya, but Bellamy, I wouldn’t trade anything for Jake. He’s amazing.”

“I wouldn’t trade him either, he’s so much like you, I have to keep my distance some days. That’s not fair to him, I know that and I regret it, but I missed you. I needed you and you left me. You left us.”

Clarke felt a tear escape her pooling eyes, down her cheek. She hated leaving, hated that she had to, but if Bellamy needed her apology, she’d give that to him. He’s given her so much, it was her turn to give. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving, but I knew I could because he had you.”

Bellamy’s restraint amazed Clarke, how could he hold himself together when she’s falling apart? She saw the glassiness of his eyes, how he _wanted_ to cry but was restraining. “Why the hell did you leave? Why didn’t you tell me your plan?” he asked, cupping her face, brushing the tears from her eyes with his thumbs.

“Why did you serve me separation papers?” Clarke countered.

“You were gone for six months and I get a call from a rehab facility in _Boston_ telling me that you’re in labor. You were nearly six hundred miles away in another state, what else should I have done? You didn’t want to see me!”

“If I saw you I would have come back. If I came back I would have drank. If I drank, I would have gone back to rehab. Roan helped me, he brought me to benefits and galas around alcohol. Had me on a loose leash, making sure I was okay, not tempted. The first three we were only there for ten minutes before I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t have done this without him. I don’t need him anymore but I do need the father of my son, the father of the baby growing inside me. Bellamy, I need you.”

“I saw Jasper, being at his farm, seeing how different his life is—he’s not happy, but he’s out there. Dating, kind of, but if Jasper can expect change, somehow see that Maya’s death wasn’t the end of his life, it was the beginning of a new chapter.”

Clarke scoffed, not believing what she’s hearing. “Good for Jasper, but Bellamy, what about you?”

“Me? I—I’ve been an ass. A selfish ass that thought… I don’t know what I thought. I was skeptical, I didn’t think you could refrain from drinking. That you’d take Jake away from me. That I—we couldn’t… I don’t know, Clarke. Can you blame me?”

“You weren’t there for me after Maya died. I took the blame, the hate. Everyone coddled Jasper, but no one considered my guilt. I’m the reason she’s dead. I—I needed you and you weren’t there. It’s why I drank, I couldn’t feel alone, I needed to dull the pain and guilt. Erase the looks on everyone’s faces when they saw me in town or at work. I nearly killed our son, Bellamy!”

“You didn’t and you’re sober and you’re… pregnant again.”

“Look, Bellamy, I—we aren’t in a place to bring a child into the world, it’s as though my body timed my ovulation around the worst possible times for us. First, Jake when I was drinking and now when I’m emotionally distraught and you don’t know if you want me.”

“I—what are you say—are you asking me if you should get an abortion?”

“I’m asking you to consider all of the options. Jake is six next month, do you want to do this? Raise another child, locking yourself into taking care of another person for eighteen years? Are we together or divorced, trading them back and forth between our homes? I’m giving you time to think about it, weigh your options.”

“And if I choose abortion, would you hate me?”

“Well, don’t say it like that! I don’t—I want you to think about it and then I want to have a discussion like adults.”

“How long can I think about this?”

“Before New Years preferably.”

Bellamy nodded in agreement. “Need a hug?” he asked, stepping closer to her.

“Don’t get the audience’s hopes up.”

He pulled her close and Clarke wanted to give in to his embrace but didn’t want to let him tear out her heart again. “I’ll always love you, Clarke. I just don’t know if it can fix anything. If a baby can fix us.”

“I know, Bellamy. You don’t think that I get that? I didn’t trick you into this. I didn’t even think about it. I was so angry with you, ou acted like it was seven years ago and we were happy. I _want_ us to be happy again whether we’re together or not. I just want you to be happy.”

Bellamy pulled back and looked at Clarke, even with puffy eyes from a night of crying, she still looked beautiful and it killed him that he couldn’t just kiss her and make all her pain and worries go away, but he’s half her problem. So he leaned back in and kissed her forehead.

“I think we need a day to ourselves. You had time to think, I had two weeks ago. You’ve bonded with Jake. Let’s you and me spend a day together and talk.”

“Bellamy—“

“I’m serious. Open minds, we tell each other where we’re at, I think it’ll help.”

“No arguing?” Clarke asked, not believing he was capable of such an idea.

“No arguing,” he promised with a nod.

They carried the presents into the house, Bellamy testing the weight of each package, only letting Clarke carry the few lighter packages while he insisted carrying the bulk of the weight.

Clarke wished she could have seen him with Jake when he was a baby, the thought of never having the opportunity to witness that with the life growing inside her.

When Jake Griffin was alive, Clarke’s favorite holiday was Christmas, they spent the morning in the den, staying out of the caterer’s and decorator’s way as they fussed about the house getting ready for the annual Griffin Christmas party that actually took place on Christmas. “It’d be like having Independence Day in June,” Abby Griffin said when eleven year old Clarke asked. Now, years without Jake, there was no Christmas party. Her father _hated_ the party, so why get rid of it now that he’s gone?

Clarke shouldn’t complain, she should be happy that her mom found the familial importance of the holiday, choosing to keep it to Kane, the Blake families, Raven and now Roan. They’ve quickly become a package deal and Clarke is slowly getting used to it.

“Auntie Clarke!” Mell exclaimed when she saw Clarke and Bellamy walk into the living room to place the presents under the tree. “Thank you for my birthday cake!” she hugged Clarke’s legs.

Bellamy placed his pile of presents on the ground, taking the ones in Clarke’s hands so she could bent own and hug her eldest niece. “You are so welcome! Jake and I spent all night making it.”

“Can we make Jake’s for his birthday?”

“I want to say yes, but that is up to your mom.”

“Oh,” Mel’s face dropped and Clarke didn’t want to make her niece upset, not on Christmas.”

“What if we ask your mom to help up out. She might even start liking me,” Clarke smiled, a show for the now four year old. If an adult can hope for the feud to end, so should children.

After everyone opened their presents, Jake immediately began putting together the computer kit Clarke bought him, knowing he wouldn’t understand the trust she had for him. Over the six years anytime Clarke saw something she wanted to buy him, she put the cost of the clothes and toys in the trust. She put away so much money, she thought she’d spoil him rotten if she were here. The one instance where she was glad she wasn’t around, Jake is perfect how he is and it’s all because of the people in his life, the people that helped Bellamy raise their son without her.

When Abby told Clarke that dinner would be ready in fifteen minutes, Clarke decided to corner Octavia in her father’s old office.

“What do you want?” Octavia grimaced, turning her back on Clarke and looked out the window behind the desk.

“I understand that you hate me and I don’t blame you, I—I’d hate me too. But Octavia, I am not going anywhere. Your nephew is my son—“ _Nephews? A niece?_ Clarke snapped out of it, getting back to the point. “I don’t know what’s going to happen between Bellamy and I. But O, you were my friend first, you brought him into my life and I am forever grateful.”

Octavia scoffed, “You broke his heart. You used me and screwed him over, I can’t forgive you.”

“I’m not asking for forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it. This isn’t about me, it’s not about you, its about Mel.”

“What about her?” she sneered through gritted teeth.

“Jake and I baked the cake for Mel’s birthday. She asked me if she and I can do it for Jake’s birthday. I told her we had to ask you. This isn’t me asking you, but I would like to know my nieces.”

Clarke watched Octavia’s face as she contemplated it all, saw the heat and anger wash over her before she took a calming breath. “Okay,” she said slowly. “I’ll think about it.”

Clarke nodded, “Thank you.”

“I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for Mel. If my brother is stupid enough to take you back, my daughters deserve to know their aunt.”

“Okay.”

“”How are you okay about Roan and Raven?”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s Team Clarke and she’s Team Bellamy.”

“They’re not and there are no teams, just the journey to happiness.”

“Happy? Bellamy hasn’t been happy in seven years. You left him long before you went to rehab.”

“I’m aware of my shortcomings. And I’m sorry for hurting you and Bellamy and everyone else, but if I said goodbye, you’d have tried to convince me to stay and I would have and Jake wouldn’t be who he is, he’s amazing. I thought he’d be a load of trouble.”

“He is! He finger painted our living room walls before school started,” Octavia smirked.

“Remember when we had that history project junior year and we spilt that paint on the kitchen table and Bellamy yelled at us for almost an hour?”

“I thought the vein on his forehead was going to burst, he was _that_ rigid about it,” Octavia laughed.

“And God forbid I buy you guys a new table after ruining the first.”

“He was so angry at you! But I also though he was going to kiss you with the way he was looking at you. Don’t get me wrong, he was angry and aggressive but the spark between you that day was electric. He fought his attraction by fighting with you. It was entertaining. That New Years kiss sent him over the edge, avoiding you and using Roma, your complete opposite and nemesis. I was so mad at him that I used Atom to piss him off.”

“I never liked Atom, he didn’t suit you. Lincoln does.”

Octavia smiled, “He’s so great!”

The door opened and Bellamy grimaced at the sister-in-law’s smiling at each other. “Dinner is ready.”

Octavia’s mood turned one hundred and eighty degrees, settling into a scowl as she walked out of the room, leaving Clarke with Bellamy.

Clarke sighed and tried following her sister-in-law but Bellamy stopped her, his arm wrapped around her waist. “You okay? She didn’t—“

“I’m fine.”

“Good,” Bellamy smiled, pressing his lips to Clarke’s but she pulled away. “Bellamy.”

“Sorry, the news just… muddled my brain.”

“No, I—I get it. Gina and I were friendly an hour after I found out.”

“Gina?”

“Yep, and stop avoiding her, I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“I figured it’s safer.”

“For who?” Clarke asked with conviction. _Safer? More like saving his own ass._

“Me. I’m trying here, Clarke.”

She sighed, she knew he was. She knew that them actually talking would be good for them, but she’s also worried that the complete opposite will happen and they’ll be torn apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've stupidly woven Gina into Bellamy's life significantly, so she's going to be around unless I kill her like I did Maya, but I don't wanna!!! I'm in such a strange mood today, I'm loving it, probably because my work called me and let me know that due to the storm, I don't have work tomorrow, no one does! And possibly coming to terms with the fact that I'm in love with my best friend but can't do anything about it. **don't cry, please, don't cry** no seriously, I'm not going to cry.  
> Anyway, we're going to get a glimpse at Bellamy's "vacation" at Jasper's dispensary in the next chapter. I don't know why I didn't write it for this chapter, I probably didn't want to deal with depressed, sardonic Jasper yet but alas, I can't put it off any longer, the people MUST know what happened out there!
> 
> Oh, and I decided to live tweet this season from Clarke's perspective so go check that out every Wednesday @9 EST [RIGHT HERE](https://twitter.com/ClarkeGBlake)


	12. Say You Won't Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback within a flashback? WHAT?! It's happening baby!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDKY but I'm feeling compelled to set a certain number of chapters that are left, because honestly, I'm rather surprised that I'm still writing this and haven't gotten bored or boxed into a corner with no way out. Last chapter's pregnancy has been planned since the beginning.. all the way back in what? September? It's been a long time writing this for me. I've stopped writing my side project to work on this, which is shocking because the side project involves DRAGONS! Who doesn't love dragons?  
> Also with last chapter, who noticed the foreshadowing in the Clarke/Octavia conversation (yes, a conversation) about forgiveness? Literally taken from the title of the first chapter. I didn't intentionally do that, just when I was slacking off at work and writing that scene, my coworker said something and I didn't hear what she said because coming out of the writing stupor I go into when-you guessed it-writing, I remember the last thing I write (this is why the editing process takes forever), which was "I'm not asking for forgiveness, I know I don't deserve it." I then went on a rant about how unoriginal I am and that I should quit while I'm ahead, bringing this train of thought full circle to my original idea of giving myself a specific number of chapters to write before ending this.  
> And there's a parallel in last chapter, going with the INTENSE Bellarke scene in 3x05 "Hakeldama" you know the one where they get all kinky with handcuffs (that is how I'm forever going to take it, please don't burst my irrational slight-BDSM bubble)

**December 26, 2016**

Clarke couldn’t breathe, it felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest refusing to let oxygen in, allowing her to breathe.

She didn’t know how or when but her mother and Bellamy were there, trying to soothe her but nothing was working. It worsened when they began arguing and all she heard was an incessant ringing in her ears.

She hated being helpless, hated needing them to calm her. Hated that they were arguing instead of helping.

“Bellamy, you have to!” she managed to hear her mother tell him and Bellamy looked at Clarke like she was going to break. “Bellamy!”

The next thing Clarke knew, Bellamy was kissing her. She couldn’t remember if she was supposed to push him away or feel at home from the touch of his lips. Either way, he pulled away too soon and Clarke grimaced, relieved she could breathe again even if it were heavy.

“You’re pregnant?” Abby asked and Clarke looked at Bellamy. How did her mother know? “Really? You don’t get panic attacks, Clarke. The only other one you had was when you were pregnant with Jake. So a baby? When did you get back together?”

“We’re not,” Clarke grimaced, looking at the rumpled bed sheets tangled around her legs. “Just Thanksgiving.”

“You’re only a month along?”

“We’re thinking about what we want,” Bellamy stated.

“I’m giving you time,” Clarke corrected.

“Time isn’t what I need. I need to know you aren’t going to leave again.”

“It’s three in the morning and you son is asleep across the hall. The two of you need to go back to bed so you can take all his new toys home with you.”

Clarke nodded and the two of them stood and headed to the door. “Bellamy,” she said before realizing it. “Stay.”

He looked out the door and sighed before nodding. He sat back on the bed where he was a moment ago.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“I don’t want to fight you.”

“I—“ Clarke licked her lips. “I want to sleep. I just—I don’t know where that came from.”

“You’re okay, that’s what matters. I’ll sleep here but we can’t talk, I still have to think.”

“Of course,” she agreed, untangling her legs from the sheets to make room for him.

Once they were both in the bed, laying on their backs staring at the ceiling. “I can hear you thinking from over here,” Bellamy said.

“Hold me? I—I just… I need…”

“It’s okay, Clarke. Come here.”

She scooched over to him, curling into Bellamy’s side, her head on his chest. Their legs, though not entwined, were touching and—“Jesus, your feet are freezing!”

“Yeah, sorry.” She pulled her feet away from him.

“You know I’m a heater, they’ll be warm in a few minutes. Come on.”

Clarke put her feet close to Bellamy’s legs and quickly fell back to sleep, only to be woken a few hours later by her door creaking open. Bellamy asleep behind her, clutching her waist.

“Jake, what’s wrong?” she whispered to the young boy walking into the room.

“I had a bad dream. I looked for Daddy but he wasn’t in his room.”

“I’m sorry, baby, Mommy had a bad dream too and Daddy stayed to keep me company. You can join.”

Jake smiled and climbed into bed, curling against his mom as she wrapped her arms around him. “What was your dream about?”

“Killer bunnies. They had red eyes and sharp teeth. They were coming after me!”

“Shh, you’re okay, they’re not real. Even if they were, I’m sure Daddy and Uncle Miller would hunt them all down to make sure you’re safe.”

“Daddy and Miller?” he asked.

“They’re best friends, they have each other’s backs.”

“I have a best friend.”

“You do? You never told me.”

“His name is Logan and he has a dog and a trampoline.”

“Wow. I bet you have a blast at his house!” Clarke smiled, she wished she’d known sooner, what stopped them from talking about his friends?

“We do!”

“That’s great, but why don’t we try to get a few more hours sleep? Grandma’s making waffles for breakfast.”

“I love waffles,” Jake said through a yawn and Clarke smirked kissing his hair.

“Sleep munchkin.”

* * *

Clarke woke up to a kiss on her shoulder as Bellamy got out of bed. “Don’t go,” she sighed, her voice hoarser than she anticipated.

“I shouldn’t have stayed, he—Jake…”

“I told him I had a nightmare, just like he did. He’s okay, Bellamy.”

“A nightmare? Clarke, you can’t just—“

“Daddy?” Jake asked sleepily, sitting up.

“Hey, bud, I heard you had a bad dream. The bunnies?”

Jake nodded crazily and Clarke bit back a smile, the boy was just like his father in the best ways, just adding the childlike wonder that Bellamy never had the opportunity to explore. All the pressure and responsibility of raising Octavia fell on his six year old shoulders.

Realization struck Clarke. “That’s what this is about? History repeating itself? I am not your mother, I’m fighting when she didn’t. Don’t you see that?”

“Of course I see you trying, Clarke. Jake, go eat breakfast!” Bellamy growled.

“Mommy!” he curled into Clarke’s side.

“Go see Grandma,” she told him, kissing his head. Jake hopped off the bed and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him. “You just yelled at him for no reason!”

“You’re accusing me of calling you my mother! I didn’t, but maybe I should! Hell, you didn’t just skip out, you escaped six hundred miles away!”

“Because my husband didn’t want me!” she cried.

“That’s a lie! You were just too drunk to see how much I care!” Bellamy spat.

Clarke opened her mouth to say something about Jasper but his words stung, but somehow also gave her hope. Sure, he could have misspoke and meant the past tense, that he _cared_ but he used the present tense. That really couldn’t have been an accident. “Care?”

“I told you that I love you yesterday. How can you think that I didn’t care? I care, Clarke. Those years you were gone, I worried about you every day. It got easier and easier not to, but I did. And you—did you even think about me?”

“All I talked about was you. Getting back home to you and Jake. Roan’s told everyone who’d listen, I—I asked him not to, but he doesn’t exactly listen to me.”

“Great idea bringing him into this! You think I want to talk about him? It’s like you left me for him, that’s what this feels like, Clarke. I hate him, I hate that he’s around. I want him gone, but that’s selfish because Raven is falling for him.”

“What?”

“Yeah, she’s head over heels. I don’t know about him, but she is and she’ll be devastated when he leaves.”

“He’s thinking about Richmond as his new home, I—I don’t know what he’s planning, I haven’t seen much of him and when I do, he’s either telling me he’s buying me a car or takes me to a dealership to let me pick out said car. And then I’m with everyone else here for a holiday.”

“I’m not skeptical about you, I’m skeptical about the baby. I just don’t know what’s right.”

“I’m not leaving. No matter what, I’m not leaving. Arkadia is my home, I want you to be my home but you’ve hurt me so much since I’ve gotten back. It shouldn’t be whether or not you want me to take me back, it should be if we want each other,” Clarke scoffed, getting out of bed. “Shit, Bellamy, I didn’t imagine a world where not loving you was an option, but I’m at the point where you have a lot of work making me see that world again. That is, if you want it.”

Clarke walked out of the room, leaving Bellamy to his thoughts. How is Clarke supposed to raise a child without his help? He had a village helping him, but that village that’s been so helpful to him, hates her and won’t help. Just her mother.

* * *

**December 11, 2016**

“Bellamy!” he heard down the terminal and whipped his head around to find Jasper Jordan standing on the tailgate of a large black Ram truck, far newer than Bellamy’s Silverado.

“Nice truck, man!” Bellamy gawked at the 3500.

Jasper smiled, hopping off the truck, the man’s energy not wavering after all these years. “Thanks. Where’s Jakey?”

“Um,” Bellamy hesitated, not knowing if he should bring her up. But knowing Jasper, he’s going to hound the truth out of Bellamy all week. “He’s with Clarke.” He threw his duffel in the truck bed and hopped in the passengers’ seat of the cab, avoiding Jasper’s shocked expression until he got in the driver’s seat, pulling away.

“When did that happen?” Jasper asked after a few minutes.

“She moved back in September. It’s complicated and I need time away to think.”

Jasper nodded. Bellamy knew Clarke was a sore spot for him, but Bellamy knew that telling Jasper the truth was better than lying to him.

Jasper after Maya was reckless and suicidal. Bellamy, Miller, and Octavia had to pull him back from the edge on more than one occasion, it was practically a full time job. Bellamy didn’t even know that Clarke was kicked out of medical school, didn’t notice the binge drinking. Didn’t see her guilt and grief, being the one to introduce Maya and Jasper. Seeing how perfect her quirky jokester friend and quirky resident friend would be together. She was right, they were happy for six months before Cage Wallace killed Maya causing Jasper and Clarke to grieve. Clarke’s guilt weighed heavier than Bellamy knew, heavier than she allowed anyone to see, except Niylah, she let Niylah see. She probably called Niylah months in advance about the apartment.

“So you’re trusting Clarke with Jake after three months?”

“Abby and Raven are a phone call away.”

“And Octavia?”

“Is not happy, hates that Indra and I didn’t tell her but I think she’s happy that Jake will know both of his parents, no matter how long she sticks around.”

“Your dad left when you were three?”

“Yeah, and O’s dad was a fleeting night, probably left before conceiving.”

“You and O are okay with it. You at least play it off like you are.”

“After our mom died, I found a bunch of pictures of my father. Me and him, Mom and him. I almost burnt the house down getting rid of them, Clarke—Clarke saved me.”

“Clarke?” Jasper asked, definitely confused.

“Yeah, it was three months after Mom passed and Clarke was practically living at the house. Octavia was with you and Finn, running late. He was dropping you guys off from detention and picking her up for a date. I love remembering that. I was freaking out in the kitchen, a pack of matches in my hand and she walked in as I threw the matches in the garbage, the _plastic_ garbage pail and the room was smoky and reeked—that horrible burning plastic smell—and she stormed into the kitchen, beautiful as all hell _for him_ and she hauled the garbage outside, not caring that it made her smell just as horrendous, spraying the fire out with the hose. It ruined her date with him which I didn’t mind, of course, but she’d never seen that part of me, she also offered to listen if I ever needed to talk about it or anything.

“I knew she was kind from you guys, but we’ve always been at odds, so I just assumed—I was an idiot. I think I fell for her that day.”

“Sounds like you’re still under her spell.”

“That’s what I’ve come to figure out. If it’s nostalgia or if, after seven years, I can love her. It’s… her face is the same, but she’s different now, and I don’t know if it’s for the better.”

“I’m mostly over it, I can talk about her if it’s what you need. I’m trying.”

“You’re trying from two thousand miles away?”

“It’s easier, Arkadia holds so many memories and I can smoke pot legally here.”

“That is a plus,” Bellamy smirked. “I still can’t believe you run a pot farm.”

“Marijuana, I’m respectable now,” Jasper laughed.

“I’m sure.”

Over the week, Bellamy did get the chance to think about what his future could hold with and without Clarke, but couldn’t decide which one was better. He met everyone in Jasper’s life, Riley, who apparently went to high school with Jasper, Octavia, and Clarke and somehow Bellamy didn’t know he existed, but was happy that Jasper had someone to confide in. the week went by quicker than he’d expected and Bellamy still didn’t know what he wanted when it came to Clarke, so when the time came for him to go back to Virginia, he called Miller to pick him up from the airport, needing some insight from someone a little closer to everyone involved but also someone who could see the big picture, figuring his writer best friend would do the trick.

“I can’t believe you’re asking my opinion, you’re either an idiot or desperate.”

“I’m not ashamed of the latter.”

“As long as you admit to the former.”

“Miller!”

“Fine, so you’re still confused after a week away, a week with a very mentally unstable human being that sells drugs for a living.”

“Thank God you’re not Murphy, he’d send him to jail.”

“Seriously, how did Murphy, out of all of us, become the cop?”

“You became an English teacher and quite possibly a writer, if you ever finish a damn story and I’m… fuck, Miller I don’t care about this, I need help with Clarke.”

“You still have to admit to being an idiot.”

“Fine, I’m an idiot.”

“For?”

“I’m an idiot over Clarke, you asshole. How are we friends?”

“Because we’re both assholes,” Miller smirked. “So, Clarke Griffin-Blake, she’s a great teacher, all my students that have her rave over her. She is great with Jake, and if she isn’t, he’s one hell of an actor. Roan has been a great addition to Thursday night poker.”

“You play poker with him?”

“We’re a man short since you left and he’s always at Raven’s so it just made sense.”

Bellamy shrugged in agreement.

“I just don’t see why you’re so skeptical. She’s sober, she’s promised not to leave again. She’s more open and honest than she was before she left, I really don’t see how anything can go wrong.”

“I just feel like once the dust settles she’s not going to want to stick around. She got her time in with Jake and she’s gone. She is so smart that she can literally go do anything and no one would question her authority and know-all. She could go to her father’s company and become CEO in a heartbeat, leaving me and Jake, becoming a 24/7 workaholic, or decide to go back into medicine, she liked that and was amazing, until the drinking, but that was partly my fault—“

“You didn’t hand her the bottles, Bellamy, you didn’t have any part of that, it was all Clarke. She decided to drink, decided it was the best way to numb the pain. Your lack of attention didn’t aid the situation, but it wasn’t your fault, Blake.”

“So, what’s your verdict?”

“Tell her how you feel, don’t be a dick and act indifferent, because I know you care. You know what you want, you just don’t know how to show it. Then again, knowing you, maybe you don’t consciously know what you want and will just act on it. Yep, that sounds like the Bellamy Blake I know.”

“I hate you, but you’re also the best and I’m not going to hug you. How about a free round next Friday.”

“Will you be there or will Gina be there?”

“God, I don’t—Clarke doesn’t trust me around her.”

“No one trusts you around her, you’re like a hormonal teenager around vaginas, it’s disgusting.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes at that comment, knowing it was just Miller being Miller. “I’ve been trying to forget about a certain blonde, it hasn’t worked obviously. Besides, she’s back and I have to think about my _feelings_ , I hated creative writing because it made me think about them and I don’t like to.”

“You haven’t been in high school in fifteen years, quit remembering it when you’re not the one there every day.”

“You chose it.”

“No, it’s a living while I write my book.”

“Write faster,” Bellamy quipped back as the car pulled into the driveway of his house, he hated living so close to the airport but in this instant it was nice.

* * *

**September 17, 2005**

Clarke woke up in her own bed. It was amazing how two days had changed her whole perspective of her childhood home. She hated the cold white walls, the grandiose furniture and details. It was all a waste, what good are nice things if no one is there to enjoy them? What good are nice things when they couldn’t save your life?

There was a soft knock on her door before it creaked open, Bellamy leaned against the frame. “You have to get ready,” his words were soft and loving, not enough to cause her to burst into tears, but enough to remind her of what her day entailed. She wanted to lay in bed before dealing with the heart wrenching agony of the day.

Clarke shook her head, nuzzling deeper into her pillow, “Come here.”

Bellamy smirked, “If I go over there, we aren’t getting up.”

“Would that be so bad?”

“Clarke—“ he said and Clarke heard what he wasn’t saying, not wanting to trigger her, _it’s your dad’s funeral._ She knew, just didn’t want to remember.

“Five minutes.”

He rolled his eyes, conceding, and sat next to Clarke on the bed. She sat up and wrapped her arms around him, her cheek resting against his shoulder blade.

“Promise me,” she whispered after a moment and Bellamy sighed. “Clarke.”

“Please.”

“I can’t, I have no idea what the future has in store. I don’t want to promise you something I can’t fulfill.”

Clarke felt her eyes well up and she hated that _this_ is what’s done it to her. “Shh, baby, it’s—“

“No! I can’t lose you too, Bellamy. I—I can’t.”

“You won’t,” he said contorting himself to wrap his arms around her. “I won’t leave you, but I can’t promise.”

Clarke sniffled, letting Bellamy’s hands guide her eyes up to lock onto his. “Marry me?” the question was so easy, so flowing as it was said, it was natural, right.

Bellamy smiled before leaning in and kissing her sweetly, “Of course. After you graduate.”

“But before med school,” Clarke smiled.

“After your MCATs.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Do you think they’ll reserve a date four years in advance?”

“How big are you thinking?”

“Friends and family, nothing too big. Definitely smaller than today.”

“Everyone loved him.”

“He deserves it, he was the kindest man I knew. He could have taught you a thing or two.”

“Are you saying I’m mean, Princess?”

“I’m saying you’re callous, you take your anger out on people that don’t deserve it—“

“If you’re talking about you, it was all sexual frustration.”

“And Jasper before he went to NYU?”

“He was being an idiot.”

“He was higher than a kite.”

“When isn’t he?” Bellamy grumbled. “Five minutes is long over, Princess. We have to get ready.” He kissed her temple before standing.

“Bell, I’m serious.”

“So was I when I told you I’m no Prince Charming.”

“The world would never be ready for a charming Bellamy Blake, I prefer the callous one anyway.”

He smiled fondly at Clarke, “Fine, then it’ll be the best June wedding 2009 will ever see.”

Clarke chuckled, finally getting out of bed.

“Victory is mine,” he exclaimed before kissing her and leaving to get ready for Jake Griffin’s funeral.

* * *

“Jacob Henry Griffin was a great man. He strived to make the world a better, safer place. He had his genius ideas that saved lives, but those successes came with setbacks, failures that sent him back to the drawing board. One of his biggest attributes was perseverance, the push and thrill of success on an idea he’d worked for years on. It’s one of the many traits he passed down to his daughter, Clarke, a first year pre-med student at Georgetown, Jake’s alma mater. Where Jake met his wife, Abigail.

“Jake and Abby had chemistry from the start. No, they literally met in chemistry class. They fell in love on their study group, leaving the rest of us in awe of their intelligence and understanding of the grueling subject. He became an engineer while Abby went to medical school, becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon, giving birth to their only child six months after passing her final and getting that coveted M.D. tacked to the end of her name.

“The moment Clarke was born, Jake was a new man, he still thrived to make the world a better place, but with a new and better purpose. It wasn’t an abstract want he had, it was a goal, to make the world better for his daughter. He instilled the idea that happiness is what’s most important in life and giving to those less fortunate and most importantly, to follow your heart.

“Jake supported every endeavor Clarke wanted to try. Ballet, kung-fu, knitting. Soccer, swimming, and even the dreaded basketball. He was at every performance, competition and game she had. So happy when she found her love for art, telling her to pursue whatever passion she wanted, Jake was always in Clarke’s corner, always respected her decisions. Even if she decided to date the town’s most notorious bad boy. Whether it’s a façade he boy has or not, Jake had grown to care for the driven man that made his teenage daughter so happy. I know that Jake would ask you to take care of her for him now. As he’s asked Thelonious and I to look after his Abby.”

Bellamy tried to keep his cool, Clarke was crying on his shoulder, he hoped she wasn’t listening to what Marcus was saying. Was that how people saw him? The “bad boy”? he wasn’t that bad, he thought, a bully of the bullies, keeping Murphy and Mbege in line. They weren’t his goons, he didn’t have goons. He mostly just commanded their respect and for them to give some semblance of respect to other students. They were the only reason he didn’t want to graduate, being a grade below him and Miller.

The tightening in his chest subsided as Clarke sniffled, nuzzling deeper into Bellamy’s neck. “I love you,” he murmured into her golden curls, kissing her head. His white button down is definitely stained from all her tears and make up, he didn’t care, because there was no place he’d rather be.

* * *

**December 17, 2016**

Bellamy tried turning the knob on the front door of his house, but it was stuck, actually, it was locked. Why had he given Clarke his whole set of keys instead of making duplicates like a normal person? And whose Kia Optima was in the driveway? Bellamy didn’t want to be angry before he even walked in the house, didn’t want to start the homecoming off on the wrong foot or stick his foot in his mouth.

He groaned and knocked on the door, hated waiting on his own door to be opened for him to go inside his own damn house. Then the door swung open and an out of breath Clarke opened the door. “Hey,” she said, furrowing her brow.

“I’m a day early, sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“No, it—he’s asleep.”

Bellamy nodded, “I’d hope so, and it’s ten-thirty. I’m going to bed, I hate traveling.”

“Uh, I’ll pack.”

“Just—“ his eyes dropped to the tight white sleep shirt she wore, then the sleep shorts. _Fuck_. He can see her perk nipples through the thin fabric. “Stay, you’re in the guest room and Jake would want to say goodbye tomorrow.”

She nodded, the hair knotted on top of her head bounced in his peripheral. Clarke crossed her arms over her chest, pushing them together, cleavage is worse than nipples, she knew that and put her arms back down.

“I’m too tired tonight, Princess,” he smirked and walked by her, hearing the door click behind him.

Coming home to his family, not the warm welcome he’d always imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To finish my stupid rant from the beginning of this, giving myself a deadline never works, you should see the mess I refer to my desk as.
> 
> And this chapter was fun and difficult to write because it was super cute and super heart wrenching writing the eulogy, it hit close to home because my grandmother passed away a month ago and it still hurts and I still miss her like crazy.
> 
> And if you're interested in what I think ModernVerse Clarke would say watching CanonVerse Clarke on The 100, come follow [ClarkeGBlake](https://twitter.com/ClarkeGBlake) on Twitter and if you don't have Twitter but you're still interested in that odd idea, then check in every Wednesday @9 EST because it's like a live tweet thing.
> 
> I think the next chapter is going to be my favorite, it's all coming together!!!


	13. Diamonds in the Sky Lighting Up Those Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've realized that when I'm in a good mood writing a note is turned into a long rant about nothing in particular and what I think would be funny, doesn't necessarily come across that way to other people... then again I'm usually writing them once I've read that sarcastic photo recap of the latest episode... seriously, if I can find the link, you should totally check it out, I have a British voice reading it in the driest tone in my head which might just make it funnier than it is, but it's well worth the read!! I mean my dad even laughed at the one I shared him.  
> So if some of this doesn't make sense it's because I was unintentionally high on Color Oops, turning my blue hair back to brown, and I swear if Bella Thorne dyes her hair back to red or whatever her natural color is within the week I'm going to go crazy! She's copying me man!  
> Happy reading as always!

**December 26, 2016**

Bellamy walked downstairs and into the kitchen where he found Abby at the counter by the waffle maker, Jake sitting in his usual seat at the peninsula, half eaten waffles on his plate laying in a pool of syrup, an identical plate next to his, Bellamy knew it wasn’t Abby’s, she hates syrup, Clarke got it from her father and Jake from Clarke.

“Where is she?” he asked Abby softly.

“Ran to the bathroom. Syrup too much for her.”

“Syrup?” Bellamy asked.

Abby gave him a look and he headed to the bathroom, knocking on the door.

“I’m fine,” Clarke choked out hoarsely through the door before a round of retching was heard.

“Well, now I definitely don’t believe you.”

“Go away.”

Bellamy sighed, knowing it was a long shot, but he had to try. “I’m sorry.”

There was the flush of the toilet and a moment later, Clarke appeared in the open doorway looking up at Bellamy. “January 20th at four. Dr. Tsing.”

“To see the…”

“Yes, you don’t have to, I—I didn’t bring the picture because I didn’t want anyone else finding out yesterday. You still have time to decide what you want.”

“I—no matter what I feel towards you, I’m not going to be a deadbeat father. You aren’t my mother and I’m not my father. It’s your body, if you don’t want to do it, we won’t, but if you do, I’m here for it and you.”

“Are you saying that because I just puked up everything I’ve eaten in the last twelve hours which entailed way too much maple syrup?”

“No, but you are gross with syrup, our son inherited that from you.”

“It’s normal to be scared, right? I’m fucking terrified, Bellamy.”

“Completely normal, I was a mess that first year,” Bellamy smiled at the memory of Jake incessantly crying as an infant. “He had colic.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

“It took me seven months to get more than two hours of consistent sleep, and I have Octavia and Lincoln to thank for that.”

“I wish I was here, I wish I was helpful.”

“You were, you are.”

Clarke shook her head, looking to the ground, “Bellamy.”

“Do you want toast? Ginger ale?”

She nodded and Bellamy grabbed her hand, bringing her back out to the kitchen where Abby was throwing Clarke’s drenched waffle in the trash, a plate of toast with an assortment of jams on the counter replaced it. “Thank you, Mom.”

“So what are you guys doing today?” Abby asked, leaning on the other side of the peninsula, watching her family eat while sipping on her coffee.

Clarke looked to Bellamy who smiled softly at her. “I have a lot of thinking to do. I also have to go to the bar and talk to Gina. Miller wants to see Jake, it’s been a while. Clarke, what are you doing?”

“I have to talk to Roan and Raven,” she said taking a bite out of a slice of toast.

“Who are you guys telling?”

“No one, Bellamy has to think before we talk and then once we talk and make a decision, we will tell if it’s necessary.”

“You’re not talking about… you risk not having any more children.”

“I have Jake,” Clarke smiled. “He’s more than I deserve.”

“Where is he?” Bellamy asked, looking at the plate with a quarter of a waffle left on the counter.

“He ran upstairs, I don’t know. Are you going to tell him?”

“Not yet,” they said simultaneously.

“So you guys are one the same page on the secret front.”

“Don’t need to worry people if there’s not going to be something to worry about.”

“You’re thinking about abortion?” Bellamy asked.

“I’m keeping our options open, Bellamy. You have to think, like you said, so I’m not going to rule out all our options.”

“That is not an option! I’m not going to let you mutilate your body and not get a chance to have another kid if you want to later!”

“I’m twenty-nine, Bellamy, I doubt I’m going to want more kids. I’ve been here three months and I love Jake. I might not want any more.”

“So then have this one.”

“You can’t just say that, Bellamy, you have to think about it.”

“I have. I don’t want Jake to be an only child, but I don’t want him to take care of his sibling like I did. I need you here. I can’t have you running away again.”

“I can’t promise that. It’s a daily struggle. Every time we argue I want a drink but I talk myself out of it. Sometimes I catch myself walking to the Dropship, but stop halfway and turn back. I try to be strong, but some days are harder than others.”

“I’m the one that causes you to want to drink?”

“That isn’t what I said. It’s my students, or Raven’s attitude, or anxiety in general. The _want_ to drink is what scares me the most, because if I want to drink, I might forget why I shouldn’t, who I become when I do.”

“Do you two want me to go so this can be private or is it over and Bellamy is going to think about it?”

Bellamy looked at Clarke for the answer. “Yes, I’m done. I can take Jake to Miller’s, you have more things to do today and it’s on my way home.”

“You know where Miller lives?”

“Monty watched Jake during parent teacher conferences while you were gone.”

“I could have changed the week if I knew that.”

“No, it was fine. Jake helped me pick out the Optima, we had fun. He had fun with Monty for the three hours. I thanked Miller and Monty with pizza for dinner and they love him, you know they do. You’re right, Miller hasn’t seen Jake, so it’d be nice. You take his Christmas presents and I take him before we do what we have to do.”

“Gina and Roan,” Bellamy grimaced.

Clarke knew it was stupid to see anything in the jealous tone, but she did. He doesn’t trust her with Roan and she doesn’t trust him with Gina, but it’s something they both have to do.

* * *

“Hey,” Bellamy said walking into his office, Gina sitting at his desk typing something up.

She looked up, her brown eyes bewildered, “Hey.”

“Is that this week’s order?”

“Yep, everything okay?”

“It’s—yeah, all good. I—I’m an asshole.”

“I already knew that.”

“I just—I’ve known Clarke since I was seventeen. She was Octavia’s friend, she had more money than I could’ve even imagined and her coming back, brought that asshole teenager back. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. You deserve someone better than me, someone who will make you happy.”

“That’s almost an apology,” Gina smiled.

“I am sorry.”

“I know, it just makes it that much harder to put in my two weeks’ notice.”

“Wait, what?” Bellamy asked thoroughly confused, not seeing it coming.

“I—I got a job in Portland, they were kind enough to let me interview over Skype.”

“You’re not just quitting you’re moving!”

“You can’t really be upset, you’ve jerked me around for three months after sleeping together for four years, then ignored me for six weeks. I know it’s all because Clarke showed up but that doesn’t mean it was right. I… loved you. Love your son, but I can’t be here for this. Not when you two are having—“ Gina clamped her jaw shut but Bellamy knew where she was going.

“A baby? Clarke told me yesterday, she also old me that you know.”

Gina bit her lip, something that’s always triggered a response in Bellamy’s nether region, but... nothing. “I’m not going to tell anyone. Raven may be a close friend, but it’s not my place.”

Bellamy nodded, “Thank you, and good luck.”

She smiled, “I have some of your things boxed up waiting for you.”

“I’ll prepare your security deposit.”

“Keep it. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get someone in there. It’s not exactly pleasant during nights and weekends with a rowdy bar below.”

“I can’t do that. I—I need my office. I’ll finish the order.”

“Just needs to be double-checked,” Gina said standing up and switched places with Bellamy, giving him one last look before walking out the door.

Bellamy pulled out his phone and texted Monty, getting a response almost instantly, _What?_

 **Bellamy:** I need Roan’s number. I can’t ask Clarke or Raven, and Miller has Jake. He’s played poker at the house with you guys so I thought you’d have his number.

 **Monty:** This isn’t a fight club thing, right?

Bellamy rolled his eyes, of course Miller told him about their childhood antics.

 **Bellamy:** No, figured if he’s staying he might want someplace more permanent to live than Clarke’s couch.

 **Monty:** Very ominous.

 **Bellamy:** The apartment above the bar will be vacant in a few weeks.

 **Monty:** What about Gina?

 **Bellamy:** Moving to Portland.

 **Monty:** You’re okay with that?

 **Bellamy:** I don’t have a say, she’s not my wife.

Monty texted Roan’s number and Bellamy was about to call him before realizing that he’s probably with Clarke or Raven. Instead he thanked Monty and looked over the order Gina was placing.

* * *

“Hey?” Raven questioned answering the door.

“Sorry to just show up like this. I didn’t—I figured Roan would be here.”

“No, he has a meeting in Richmond tomorrow so he went to your apartment to pack an overnight bag. Are—are you okay? You don’t look too good.”

“Rough night and too long to explain,” Clarke told Raven realizing how hoarse her voice was.

“Do you want coffee or tea, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

“I’m good. Would you mind waiting on that? I really need to speak to Roan.”

“Of course, I’ll call you this week,” Raven smiled cautiously.

“Thank you, Raven. For—for _everything_.”

Raven nodded, “You’d do the same for me.”

* * *

 

“A heart-to-heart?” Roan asked skeptically twenty minutes later.

“Yep, and on top of that, he feels like I left him for you.”

“Uh—“

“Raven wasn’t a factor years ago.”

“Raven is a factor now.”

“I know, so does Bellamy. I don’t know if I explained alcohol to him, I don’t know if he understands.”

“Even if he understands it, he might never accept it. He said he needs you if you have the baby. A _baby_ ,” roan said, his eyes dropping to Clarke’s abdomen that was still flat, would be for another few months. “I know about Thanksgiving, but _damn_ , it’s like Immaculate Conception!”

“All it takes is one little sperm, it’s not uncommon, actually.”

“Still weird.”

“How do you think I feel?” Clarke groaned, sipping on her favorite green tea, already missing coffee. “You can’t tell anyone, Bellamy and I are meeting at the end of the week to discuss what we’re going to do in this situation.”

“Is he still acting like an irrational preteen?”

“The moment I told him I was pregnant it was like he’d matured fifteen years, until I brought up his mother this morning.”

Roan scoffed, “You said you met her twice, right?”

Clarke nodded, “She wasn’t known for hands on parenting. I don’t know how I hadn’t seen it before. Then again, I wasn’t pregnant before. Bellamy was the same age as Jake when Octavia was born, it’s history repeating itself, but I’m not letting it. I’m not going to leave my six year old to raise his sibling, not after just getting him back.”

“You know I’d kill you if you did.”

“That would not help the situation,” Clarke scoffed, covering her laugh.

The conversation ended and the two friends sat at the table in comfortable silence. Clarke still had to ask him about Raven, but it could wait, they had all day.

* * *

**December 29, 2016**

Roan took a seat opposite Bellamy, not saying a word, just stared at his best friend’s husband.

“I don’t want to argue,” the raven haired man stated and Roan continued to stare, unsettling Bellamy which was probably the goal, so Bellamy rolled his eyes. “How serious are you about Raven?”

“How serious are you about Clarke?” Roan countered.

“It’s not that simple. If you’re into her and you want to stay in town and not on Clarke’s couch, there’s an apartment upstairs that’ll be ready in three weeks.”

“Gina’s apartment?”

“She’s moving to Portland.”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Even though I don’t like you, my wife and friends do, even my son, I’m offering before I call Bryan to post it on his realtor site.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Two weeks.”

“Sure, just don’t break Clarke’s heart.”

“I have to figure out my own first,” Bellamy grimaced.

* * *

**January 20, 2017**

“Hey, I thought I was… doesn't matter. You ready?” Bellamy asked sitting down in the waiting room next to Clarke as she filled out the insurance papers.

“What?”

“I thought I was picking you up from work, Harper told me you left early and she covered the last ten minutes of your last class.”

“Yeah, I needed to think.”

“I thought we did that already,” Bellamy smirked.

“Yeah, I know. Just… are you sure about this?”

“Yeah, but you're not. What happened?”

“Just a weird feeling, it's probably nothing, I—I was drunk this point last time, I didn't even know, actually. I don't know what to exactly expect.”

“Ultrasound. Make sure you're healthy, the standard check up, right?”

Clarke shrugged, clipping the pen to the board.

Her name was called and Bellamy followed them into the exam room.

Sitting in silence again until the OB came in. “Hello, Clarke and… you're the father?” Dr. Tsing asked walking in.

“He is. Hi, Dr. Tsing.”

“So last month this was a surprise and you said you had to think about your options, have you two made a decision?”

“We’re keeping the baby.”

“Okay, good, so you're eight weeks as of yesterday. Your baby should be the size of a kidney bean.”

Dr. Tsing went through all the semantics, asking Bellamy the occasional question before pulling out the jelly for the ultrasound.

“Are you ready to see your baby?”

Clarke nodded, lifting her shirt up.

Tsing squeezed the jelly onto Clarke’s stomach, her least favorite part because even with the warmer, the jelly always felt cold, maybe she was used to running a warmer temperature because of the alcohol. Her biggest mistake.

Placing the wand, she moved it around to find Clarke’s uterus and typed something into the computer, adjusted the angle. “So I have a surprise for you, I don't exactly know… you're having twins. Fraternal.”

“Twins?” Bellamy asked, slightly out of sorts. Clarke didn't know what to say, she was flabbergasted. Twins! How could they be having twins?

“I have the heartbeats here for you,” she said and a moment later a bunch of low thumping filled the room.

Bellamy sighed, his face lit up with excitement, his first time hearing his child’s heartbeat… children’s, there are two inside her. “Clarke?” Bellamy asked, looking at her bewildered. She was crying and hadn't known it.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I took this away from you with Jake. You deserved this, you should've… I shouldn't have taken this away from you.”

“I’ll print out a few copies and let you guys go. Take your time,” Dr. Tsing said, cleaning off the wand before pressing buttons on the ultrasound machine.

“Clarke, it’s okay, I’m not mad. I’m just grateful that I get to be here now. I—we’re having two babies, what more could we want?”

“Me to have been here the last six years! I—I was selfish and alone, I felt abandoned, but I’m the one who abandoned you. How can you forgive me?”

“Because you’re not the one who needs forgiveness.”

“I _left_ , Bellamy. I’m the one who abandoned you, you stayed and raised our son.”

“Yeah, you left, so what? I’m the one who slept around. I’m the one who wanted a separation. I’m the one who’s selfishly been an asshole, distancing myself for four months because I couldn’t believe that you could stick around without having a drink. You’ve been sober since you got here, I believe in you, Clarke.”

“Why? I don’t! I might drink, I don’t know if I’m strong enough, Bellamy.”

“You are, you have me and Roan, Raven and O. We are here for you, you know that, right?”

“They’ll hate me. They don’t even know about Thanksgiving.”

Bellamy made sure Clarke was looking into his eyes when he said this, he needed her to know how serious she is about this. “Then we tell them, I’m not letting you go this time, okay? You are not leaving me.”

“I can’t leave. I can’t leave Jake again.”

Bellamy bent down and kissed Clarke’s forehead. “I love you.”

Clarke whipped her tears away. “This is real? We’re having twins?”

“We are,” he smiled.

“Okay, we should tell Abby first.”

“When are you going to call her Mom?”

“She—when I’m ready,” Clarke decided not to get into it with him over something so trivial. She cleaned off her stomach and got off the exam chair.

“Will you come to dinner with me?” Bellamy asked as she buttoned up her jeans.

“Right now?”

“Yes, partly in celebration and also a date, we haven’t been on one of those.”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate.”

“Um, why not?”

“Because we’re not… you love me, but I don’t know if I can forgive you for the last four months.”

“Isn’t this a step towards forgiveness?”

“Right now? We just found out we’re going to be the parents of _twins_ , and you want me to go on a date with you so I can forgive you?”

“No, because I want to spend time with you. Miller is running the bar for me tonight. Lincoln and O have Jake, we have nothing to worry about.”

“Why is Miller at the bar?” Clarke grimaced in confusion.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you? Gina moved to Portland just over a week ago.”

“Great, so you’re feeling lonely too? I’m not sleeping with you because your girlfriend left you.”

“I haven’t slept with her since… a week after our date when Roan showed up.”

“November? Barely three months.”

“I can’t keep having the same arguments with you. I love you and I’m not going anywhere. Will you at least try?”

Clarke sighed, she doesn’t want to argue with him either, but she also wanted him to choose her because he loves her, not because she’s his only option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like that was a clusterfuck, I don't even know what I wrote this chapter...  
> [Episode 401 recap](http://www.tv.com/shows/the-100/community/post/the-100-echoes-photo-recap---best-friends-forever-1486072202/)  
> [Episode 402 recap](http://www.tv.com/shows/the-100/community/post/the-100-heavy-lies-the-crown-photo-recap---nuclear-winter-is-coming-1486682129/)  
> [Episode 403 recap](http://www.tv.com/shows/the-100/community/post/the-100-the-four-horsemen-review---the-adventures-of-ipadicus-1487276184/)
> 
> Toni is my new fav!
> 
> Anyway as always ModernVerse Clarke on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ClarkeGBlake) every Wednesday @9, if you're interested.  
> Until next time :)


	14. Welcome, We Weren't Expecting You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been jumping times, back and forth and I'm sorry, I'm writing out of order so it's all out of order, I'm trying to work on it.  
> I also had more time to work on this this week so here's another chapter, though I didn't work on this for two days, freaking out over that shocking scene in "A Lie Guarded" all yesterday morning and couldn't think of much else. Then, also so happy that it wasn't so GoT this time, I might have quit the show and writing this completely. At the same time I believe that it was very important for the character arc of the character in question (I don't want to ruin it for the people who don't have the opportunity to see the show like I do) I think it's going to bring the character back to looking from a less intense--for lack of a better word--standpoint.  
> If you want to talk more about it, or geek out at all with me over the latest episode, or you do in fact want a spoiler, I'm [on Tumblr](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/)

**January 7, 2017**

“Hello?” Clarke answered her phone groggy from sleep. Whoever was calling her at the ungodly hour better have a damn good reason.

“Are you hungover?” a snarky voice asked and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“No, it was my first week back to work, I’m exhausted.”

“Right, are we making this cake or what?”

Clarke yawned audibly, “Yeah, I’ll shower and then I’ll be over. Text me your address.”

“Why can’t we do it at your apartment?”

“Three people in this kitchen is not happening, I’m assuming you have a nice house with a real kitchen that can fit the four of you in there comfortably.”

“Fine, I’ll text you, we’re going straight to the party once the cake is done so…”

“Bring a change of clothes, got it. I’ll see you in an hour.”

And as Clarke said, an hour later he was knocking on Octavia’s door with some supplies in hand. She didn’t want to tell people how she kept her sanity, that cooking lessons were her way to keep her body and mind busy in idle night hours. She’s been exhausted since moving back and hadn’t been able to really make dinner or anything so she would have take-out or something simple. But actually making something, that’s what she missed.

“Clarke?” Lincoln asked when he answered the door.

“Octavia called and told me to come over.”

“Shit, I’m late. Come in, straight back to the kitchen, I’ll see you at the party later.”

“Yeah.”

“Leanna! We’re late!”

“She’s eighteen months, you’re asking too much of her,” Octavia called, carrying the girl in question down the hall towards them.

“You’re an enabler,” Lincoln smiled and kissed his wife on the cheek before taking their daughter out of her hands.

“Babe! Diaper bag!”

“Bellamy has spares, you know that.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and turned to Clarke. “Hey, come in.”

***

Clarke stifled back a smile as she looked at Miller’s ridiculous outfit, “I don’t know how he wrangled you into this but…”

“I was raised in Calgary, it’s country Canada. It’s in my blood,” Miller smirked, tipping his cowboy hat, taking a bite out of a hummus covered carrot.

“You’re supposed to be a pirate.”

“I’m not a sea creature, you can call Luna and Derek for that.”

“Luna and Derek?”

“Mm, yeah, sometimes I forget that you haven’t been around. Derek’s in the Navy and Luna’s harder to explain. They moved here a while back, Luna just got back and Derek, I think he redeployed, I don’t know this will be the first we’ll see of her in nine months.”

“She’s coming here?”

“Yeah, Bellamy didn’t tell you? She a legend.”

“Well, if that’s the case, I’m surprised none of you told me,” Clarke rolled her eyes.

“She and Lexa had a… feud, thought you’d remember that.”

“I don’t remember a lot of things that happened in those three months that I was with Lexa, if you can believe that.”

“I thought we agreed to never mention her again,” Bellamy said, placing his hand on the small of Clarke’s back so to not frighten her, he’s started doing that. “Hey, you,” he smiled down at her.

“Hey.”

“When did you get here? I didn’t see you come in?”

“O, Mel, and I made the cake, I followed them.”

“You didn’t say hi,” he pinched her hip and Clarke saw Miller grimace before he walked away.

“That’s because I had a birthday boy attacking me. Speaking of, I have to talk to you about something.”

“A serious something?”

“Most people consider two hundred thousand dollars something serious.”

“Wh—what?”

“Exactly, somewhere slightly more private? I think Lincoln and Miller have the pirates in training occupied.”

“They’d better,” Bellamy grumbled, pulling her into his office. “Two hundred thousand dollars?”

“So once I’d gotten out of the rehab, I was walking around Boston, looking for an apartment and I’d see all these baby things. The guilt kind of ate away at me so I started making a list. The prices, not the items, so once I had an apartment and a job and going to meetings regularly, I started putting money away. Instead of having a shrine for him, all the things I’d have bought him, I put the money away and it’s almost two hundred thousand.”

“Clarke you didn’t have to…”

“I’m his mother, I did. I—I wanted to send him so many things, but I didn’t even know his name. I—I thought this could make it up somehow or… God, I don’t even know.”

“You don’t have to make up for anything, I was an asshole. I didn’t understand, but I’m trying. You did what you had to do, I get it, we’re moving on. It could be his college fund if you want.”

“What about…” Clarke looked down at her stomach before looking back up at Bellamy.

“We have a crib, we can get clothes from O if it’s a girl or Jake’s hand me downs. It’s the same for toys. Clarke, it can be their college fund.”

“We need more than that for both of them.”

Bellamy nodded, pulling Clarke into a hug. “You’ve been good with him so far, I think you’re going to be a great mom. I want you to be.”

Clarke fought back her tears as she dug her face into Bellamy’s collarbone. “You’re going to be amazing.”

“You don’t know that, he’s easy now, he’s _six_. He practically takes care of himself sometimes.”

Bellamy stroked the small of her back, “It’s scary, I’ll give you that, hey, I’ll loan you the photo albums from when he was a kid. You can see him when he was younger.”

“How are you forgiving me?”

“Because you were never in the wrong.”

Clarke took a deep breath, “We’re having another baby, how are we going to do this?”

Bellamy chuckled into her hair, “We’ll figure it out, we always do.”

Clarke pushed him away and looked at him smiling down at her. “We—we should get back in there.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m fine, just hormones, it’s why I was always so moody before I left. It’s the whole pregnancy for me, not just a trimester or whatever the norm is, this is my norm and it sucks.”

“You’re fine, I just need to know what’s going on. Okay? I need to know about you and the baby. If you’re sick, if you need something, tell me, because I’m not leaving, I’m not abandoning you guys.”

“So if I’m craving chunky monkey and you’re just getting off a really exhausting shift at the Dropship, you’re going to buy me a pint and bring it over to my apartment?”

“Well, not chunky monkey because you’re allergic to bananas, but yes.”

Clarke smirked, “Thank you, Bell. We really should get back out there.”

* * *

"Mommy!” Clarke heard halfway through the party, she was cleaning up the table from the burgers and mac and cheese when Jake slammed into the back of her thigh.

She chuckled, dropping the paper plates in the garbage, “What’s up, bud?”

“Luna is here! Daddy said you haven’t met her and you need to!”

“Luna, right. Take me to her,” Clarke smiled grabbing her son’s hand.

Jake dragged Clarke through the house to the living room where Bellamy was hugging a curly brunette. His eyes locked on hers and pulled away. “Luna, there’s someone I’d like you to meet,” he nodded for her to turn around.

Of course she was gorgeous, she would be, exactly his type too. The high cheekbones, the stunning eyes, she’s Bellamy’s typical type. She’s—

“Luna, this is Clarke, my wife.”

“Your wi—“ the realization in the woman’s eyes told Clarke that she already doesn’t like her. They just met and this woman, who’s important to her son and husband that she hadn’t heard about in the four months she’s been back, doesn’t like her, fucking perfect. “I’ve been back a week and nobody thought to have warned me?” she exclaimed, looking around the room of adults.

“You’ve been busy,” Murphy said, attempting to have it under his breath but failed miserably, Emori elbowed him. “Truth.”

“I’ve been looking for a job, sue me, John. Blake?” Luna turned to Octavia.

“I’m not her biggest fan, but I didn’t know you’d be coming today.”

“It’s Jake’s birthday!” Luna said as though it was obvious.

“You’ve been gone nine months!”

“Exactly, so when’d she show up?”

“Four months ago,” Clarke stated, annoyed that they’re all acting like she isn’t even there which made all their heads turn, of course they did forget she was there.

“Four months?” she scoffed. “It’s not like I slept with you, Bellamy. No, that was Gina, but I’m still your friend. You still should have warned me when I was away so I wouldn’t want to murder her.”

“Jake, go play with the others,” Bellamy said, smiling at his son. Once Jake was gone he turned back to Luna. “I’ve been busy, I figured Octavia or Lincoln would have told you.”

“Warm welcome,” Clarke grimaced, glaring at Bellamy. “I’m not dealing with this today. It’s my son’s birthday, I shouldn’t have to remind you of that!”

She stormed out, into the family room where Miller was distracting the kids with Monty’s attempt at helping.

“What’s going on?” Monty asked.

“Luna was blindsided, who knew a soldier could make something all about her?”

“She’s not a soldier, she does humanitarian work.”

“Of course she’s a freaking saint, what is she a foster mom too?”

“She took care of Jake when Bellamy was in Colorado. He was gone for six months, so kind of.”

“What the…I am so over being blindsided. He left too? And I’m the only one on trial?”

“Six _years,_ Clarke.”

“I know, I’m being irrational but I’m the one that has to put up with all the hate and anger. I can’t change the past!”

“I’m not asking you to,” Bellamy said behind her. “Besides, I thought you didn’t care what people thought.”

“Haha, that was two months ago, before—“

“Time for cake.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, but followed Bellamy into the kitchen to put the candles on the cake.

* * *

**January 30, 2017**

Clarke was exhausted, she’s been exhausted for days and she was glad to have a night to herself. She’s been spending almost every night working or with Octavia and Raven or Bellamy and Nathan, she was helping Bellamy at the bar some night, mostly cleaning and washing the dishes, she’d pop the tops off beer bottles, but didn’t trust herself around much more. Bellamy and Miller were grateful, Echo glared at her like Clarke was encroaching on her territory, but she’s still married to Bellamy, it’s her place too, or so he keeps reminding her.

“What’s going on?” she heard from the kitchen when she walked into the house. She groaned, she and Bellamy hadn’t told anyone that she’s pregnant, they planned on doing it at the party that Bellamy decided they were throwing on Friday, a pregnancy reveal party. No one knew why he’d decided to throw it aside from Clarke, Miller asked her the day after he’d made the decision if it was because they decided to get back together and Clarke told him no, she hasn’t forgiven him, but Miller had been watching them together at the bar and knew that something was up, just didn’t know what.

“What are you doing here?” Clarke asked kicking her shoes off, they’re already killing her, then again, it could just be standing the whole day teaching, as long as they weren’t swollen, she’s fine with it.

“I can’t make dinner for my friend?”

She rolled her eyes, “You haven’t talked to me since Christmas, been in Richmond or Raven’s or wherever.”

“I still care, I’m here, aren’t I?”

“Mm, and cooking?” Roan has never cooked a day in his life so sew Clarke for being skeptical.

“I’m cooking, nothing too fancy, just mac and cheese.”

“Roan, why are you here?”

“I missed my friend.”

Clarke collapsed on the couch, it’s times like these when she missed being able to have a glass of wine to relax. But she’s a pregnant alcoholic, it’s highly frowned upon. She rolled her eyes at herself. “There are phone calls and texting, letting someone know that you’re going to show up at their house. You can’t just walk in like you own the place.”

“You say that as though you haven’t walked in on me with strange women before.”

“Yeah, when I had a key to your apartment and you were late to work, not for shits and giggles.”

“Your hide a key is in such a predictable place,” he smirked, Clarke hated the smirk, it was different than Bellamy’s and she hadn’t decided in the six years she’s known him if it were a good or bad look for him.

“That doesn’t mean you can walk in and start cooking.”

Roan finally rolled his eyes, “So what’s this I hear about a party on Friday?”

“It’s Bellamy’s party, I don’t know.”

“You and Bellamy have become a package deal the past few weeks.”

Roan poured the mac and cheese into two bowls.

“How would you know, you haven’t been around.”

“Raven and Murphy,” he said, bringing the bowls over to the couch and sat next to Clarke, handing her a bowl. Clarke was secretly thankful because it’s what she was craving all day. Yet she still rolled her eyes at his choice of people.

“You would befriend Murphy. You’ll find out with everyone else on Friday.”

“Are you two back together?”

“I assume he’d demand me to move in if that happened.”

“So a divorce?”

“Stop guessing, you’re not finding out.”

“Does this have anything to do with Thanksgiving?”

“What about Thanksgiving?” Clarke grimaced, taking a bite of the mac-n-cheese.

“You and Bellamy slept together, produced a baby?”

Shit, she forgot she told him, “Oh, that? Not that I know of, but we still aren’t telling people.”

“You’ve been acting weird, you’ve also been working at the bar?”

“I’m helping out, Gina moved and Bellamy needed help, between Miller and I, we’re covering her shifts.”

“Bellamy hasn’t found someone to hire?”

“He doesn’t trust Echo enough to promote to manager and he doesn’t trust anyone else. I don’t trust myself alone there so he or Miller has to be there when I’m there, I’m practically useless there anyway.”

“So why do it at all?”

“Because I’ve been around alcohol for the last six years thanks to you and I felt like not being around it wouldn’t help getting back to everyday life. How would I be able to go to the party on Friday in a bar surrounded by people drinking if I’m not around it at least on a regular basis?”

“True, but you’re also pregnant.”

“Say it louder, I don’t think China heard you.”

“You’re pregnant,” Roan yelled and Clarke immediately rolled her eyes, he would.

“So,” Clarke said, needing to get off the topic of her pregnant alcoholic self. “What happened in Richmond?”

“He _finally_ spoke to me, damn bastard strung me along for three months. I bought the building, it’s prime real estate.”

Clarke smiled for her friend, “I’m happy for you.”

“So, your husband—are we calling him that—asked if I wanted to move in above the bar, it’s more permanent than your couch and less domestic than Raven’s bed, neither of us are ready for that yet, so would you be okay with that?”

“You do know that I already know you’ve been living there for two weeks? Half your stuff is there, at least.”

“Okay, you got me, I asked Anya and some of her guys to bring my stuff down.”

“Anya?” Clarke was skeptical, she didn’t think Anya was alive with her lack of communication.

“She’s proud of you, I’ve been giving her updates.”

“She hasn’t responded to my texts.”

“Because you need to distance yourself from her. She’s an acquaintance now, not your sponsor.”

Clarke sighed, “I know, is it strange to miss her though? She was so callous, more than Bellamy, I just…sometimes the brutally harsh truth is better than the sugar coated lie.”

“She was brutal, but I think it’s a respect thing. She respects you enough to tell you the truth.”

“I thought it was a Boston thing, you do it too sometimes. Bellamy does it to be mean, sometimes he has the right to be mad, but sometimes he just acts out.”

“How are you okay with that?”

“Because I know why he does it, I’ve known him since I was six, it’s like asking me the square root of 69, its instinct.”

“You would know the square root of 69.”

“8.307, rounded to the thousandth.”

Roan chuckled, “You would.”

* * *

**June 20, 2009**

Clarke woke up feeling calm, she had her whole life ahead of her. Med school started in just over a month, she graduated with her best friend three weeks ago and in six hours, she’ll be married to the man she loves.

“Time to wake up,” Raven exclaimed, jumping onto the bed.

“I’m awake. I’m well rested, I am so ready for today!” Clarke smiled.

“Wells is back,” Raven smiled. Clarke was happy that she and Wells connected, that they had each other in Cambridge, but she missed her friend, missed the righteous optimism, hates that he doesn’t support her marrying Bellamy.

_“He’s going to break your heart and you’ll be calling me to pick up the pieces. I don’t want that for you,” Wells said over the phone._

_“Maybe he won’t. He loves me, Wells, why can’t you accept that?”_

_“Maybe I would if this wasn’t the result of you grieving your father! You proposed to him the morning of your father’s funeral. How could anyone take that proposal seriously? Your mother certainly wouldn’t.”_

_“He proposed last summer with a ring, Wells. I may have been grieving when the decision was initially made, but he’s the one that brought it back up. We hadn’t even spoke of my father’s funeral._

_“He’s playing you, Clarke. He wants your money.”_

_“He signed a pre-nup! God, Wells, you’re my best friend, why aren’t you happy for me?”_

_“Because Bellamy Blake has been an asshole to you since the day you met.”_

_“People change, Wells. You have, so have I, so has he, for the better.”_

Clarke didn’t regret hanging up on Wells that day, he was wrong and Clarke knew it. If Bellamy was in this for the money, he has a rude awakening because Clarke’s trust fund went to her education, she wanted to work for her wealth, not have it all handed to her. Besides, he wouldn’t let Octavia get so close if everything was going to blow up like that.

 _He walked into the Griffin house when Clarke was home on spring break and he placed the pre-nup in front of her. “I want you, not your money or assets but_ you _, Clarke Griffin. I want you to know that.”_

Clarke smiled at the memory before getting out of bed, Raven’s eyes following her. “You’re not nervous, are you? God, you wouldn’t be.”

“I love him, Ray. I can’t be nervous about that, not even when people we care about are against it.”

“What? Who?”

“Finn, but that’s to be expected. My mom, Wells, hell, even Octavia said something before graduation.”

“They’re just worried, you guys were barely together and now you’re getting married. It’s different.”

“Barely together?” we talked every day, we may have physically been separated, but we’re not all about a physical relationship. We challenge each other intellectually, so it’s—“

“Clarke, I support you, I just think you need to see what they’re seeing and know that people are going to challenge your view and not agree with what you’re doing. I see you and Bellamy, I’ve watched you from the romantic beginning, so I see that you’re good together. But Wells, Octavia, and your mom have been there since you met so they have the whole aspect of your relationship.”

“So I’m just supposed to accept their distaste while I get married? Happiest day of my life being made mediocre.”

“Don’t let them get you down, you know they’re just trying to protect you. I’m also more than a sounding board.”

“You’re a bridesmaid, I know that,” Clarke smiled.

“So, Bellamy actually allowed you to have Octavia today?”

“Miller practically demanded being his best man so O was happy to accept being my Maid of Honor, it’s a worthy second choice.”

“And she’s where?”

“She’s with her brother, he’s getting married today too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And because I did it last time and Toni's still doing it [Episode 404 recap](http://www.tv.com/shows/the-100/community/post/the-100-a-lie-guarded-photo-recap---monkeyin-around-1487877466/) even though it gives away everything I just tried hiding from you...
> 
> Again, Wednesdays @9 and sometimes earlier to geek out or complain about something, Clarke watching herself and tweeting about it [ClarkeGBlake](https://twitter.com/ClarkeGBlake)


	15. Party of the Century...Or Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sorry, no excuses, I'm just back.  
> Thank you to knowwhatyouwrite on Tumblr for being my beta on this chapter and for being my best friend!  
> Anyway, here's a short chapter with angry people...

**February 3, 2017**

“You okay?”

“I don't know why you want to do this,” she said, her voice faltering. He couldn't blame her, after everything everyone has done to her since she'd gotten back, everything they said when she was gone, he really couldn't blame her for not wanting to tell their friends that she’s pregnant.

He couldn't figure out how he'd gone from being completely certain she'd leave and keeping a distance—trying to at least—to needing to protect her from their words.

“They’re going to find out no matter what. You work with Miller and Harper and Raven sees you all the time with Jake.”

“Not really, she’s been with Roan and you don’t want him around Jake so it’s usually Abby or Kane, and when you tell one you tell the other so Kane knows because Abby does.”

“Still not calling her Mom,” Bellamy pressed and Clarke glared at him.

“Not happening Bellamy, or should I call you Blake, just to piss you off like this conversation pisses me off every time you’ve brought it up this month?”

“Jeez, relax, it’s a party!”

“Yeah, relax, throw back some cold ones, real enjoyable party when the one who’s getting slut-shamed is the one who can’t drink!”

“You’re not a slut so they can’t slut-shame you,” he said failing to hold back his smirk, they’re in their thirties, the idea of the word slut falling from his wife’s lips so casually was preposterous.

Clarke didn’t want to go into the semantics of slut-shaming and whether correct or not, it’s going to happen because sex was involved. Whenever sex is involved, there’s slut-shaming and even though Clarke didn’t really care what people thought, she still hated the cattiness of slut-shaming when she’s pregnant with her husband’s baby.

“You’re doing all the talking then, I’ll sit at the end of the bar nursing my fucking club soda while you tell everyone that I’m carrying your babies. Plural.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t want them to mob me like crazed lunatics! I don’t want them to treat me how they’ve been treating me.”

“And what if I told you Jackson was going to be there?”

“J—Jackson?” Clarke’s eyes lit up, he was a resident when she was an intern, even though he was Abby’s protégé, he was her biggest adversary compared to her mother being a hardass.

“Yep, he came in the other night, he lost a patient.”

“Shit, I didn’t… why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m telling you.”

“I’m putting it on record that I’m against this.”

Bellamy had the urge to roll his eyes, she would try and make it official, her distaste of the night’s events. “Noted.”

“Go, greet your guests. I’ll come out when I’m ready.”

“I will send Lincoln in to drag you out here,” Bellamy smiled, kissing her temple.

“If I’m not out in fifteen minutes send him, but I shouldn’t be more than ten.”

“Okay,” he left the office and walked into the room filling with his family and friends, happy that Luna agreed to babysit the three young cousins while Bellamy makes his announcement.

She doesn’t know what it is and Bellamy didn’t think it’d be appropriate to invite her when she and Clarke hadn’t had time to get to know one another before letting her know the news with the rest of their friends.

“Bellamy, are we going to be kept waiting all night or are you going to tell us why we’ve all been wrangled here?” Harper asked, her drink almost empty.

“Clarke needs some time, when she comes out, I will tell you all.”

“You’re getting married!” she smiled.

“We’re already married, Harper.”

“Renewing your vows then. I think it’s wonderful!”

“Well, that would be announcement worthy, but I do believe I’d dress better than this for that to happen.”

“Divorce? Bellamy, you can’t! She loves you,” Harper’s words slurred.

“How—did you pregame?”

“Monty’s moonshine.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, “Of course, because I can’t serve alcohol out of my own bar, my own friends venture elsewhere.”

“Small batches, I offered to sell to you,” Monty said, stepping into the conversation from a game of darts.

“I can't sell illegal substances at my legal bar.”

“I'm going to ask Murphy, that doesn't sound like a real thing,” Miller said, scaring the crap out of Bellamy.

“I swear you're all incompetent human beings. I need your undivided attention when breaking this news so sober up quickly.”

“You shouldn't have thrown a party at a bar,” Monty shrugged.

Bellamy rolled his eyes with a groan, catching a certain blonde sitting at the bar like she said she’d be and headed over to her. “They're all drunk.”

“So they won't notice me sneaking out when you tell them. Go rip the Band-Aid off,” she groaned.

“Clarke—“

“Just do it, I’ll be here.”

Bellamy nodded and turned to look at their friends and family. “Guys! Hi, I bet you’re all wondering why you’re all gathered here,” he started and Abby looked at him, giving a little nod. She doesn’t know that they’re pregnant with twins.

“Clarke is pregnant,” he said and it felt really good to finally be able to say it.

“What?” Octavia spat, and though she and Clarke were talking since Jake’s birthday, Clarke was also keeping this from her so she’s pissed.

“With twins,” he said with finality.

“Oh my God!” Abby exclaimed, rushing over to her daughter.

Everyone else was shocked, too shocked to speak and Clarke tried pushing away from Abby and Bellamy to go hide somewhere before they all came to their senses to ask stupid questions.

“Um, how did this happen?” Monty asked, Clarke really didn’t expect him to be the first one to come around.

“Well, when a man and a woman—“ Bellamy started and Clarke elbowed him. “When Bellamy took me home Thanksgiving night.”

“So you guys have known for what… since Christmas? And you’re just now telling us? It’s February!” Octavia exclaimed.

“I didn’t want anyone to know,” Clarke said calmly.

“We’re family! What the hell are you two thinking? You’ve barely been back six months! What’s going to happen once they’re born? You going to run and leave us all to raise your babies for you? You did it before, you can do it again!”

Clarke was frozen, the words stung but she knew it had to be said. No matter how much it hurt, how much she wanted to break down and cry, she refused. She stood and took it, knowing Octavia was far from done.

“Enough!” Bellamy and Roan exclaimed together, nodding at each other.

“Jesus, O. You’re my sister! I love you, but this is a disappointment. Clarke is my wife, she is carrying my babies. Whatever you have to say, you can keep it to yourself because it isn’t going to change anything.”

The siblings glared at each other and no one dared to step in between them except surrogate father, Marcus Kane. “Corners. Now,” he boomed.

“That doesn’t work on us anymore,” Bellamy said, eyes locked on Octavia’s just as angry gaze.

“When did it ever work?” Clarke grimaced.

“They did this boxing thing after you left, it’s a ring thing,” Lincoln explained, receiving a deadly look from his wife. “I’m neutral, babe,” he told her.

“I’ll make it easier on everyone,” Clarke said, stepping around Bellamy. “If you don’t support us, then leave.”

Octavia scoffed, grabbing her coat and purse before storming out of the bar. “I’m sorry about her, guys. Congratulations.” He hugged Bellamy and Clarke before following his wife out.

“Anybody else?”

The room was awkwardly silent as their friends shifted their weight from one foot to another, but none of them left.

Clarke sighed, “Great party, Bell.”

He nodded and headed to his office, Kane following him. Clarke never knew what to do when Bellamy and Octavia fought and was glad they had people to talk to but also hated it wasn’t her anymore. She loved them both fiercely.

“Twins?” Roan asked coming up to Clarke, Raven next to him.

Clarke gave them a tight smile, “I’m starting to show and we didn’t get to celebrate with Jake. I think Bellamy was trying to make up for it somehow. I kinda just wanted everyone to figure it out on their own. I’m still not favored.”

“It’s a shock, she’ll come around.”

“I wouldn’t be pregnant if it wasn’t for her.”

“That’s illogical,” Raven smirked.

“So you go fight with Octavia and have your husband—“ Clarke grimaced at her own words. “Sorry, Rae. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Wait, you’ve been married?” Roan grimaced at Raven.

“No, I was engaged and instead of getting married, we buried him. His best friend didn’t even show up.”

“I—I couldn’t. You know how much I wanted to be there.”

“No, I didn’t. You didn’t call me, you called Thelonious.”

“If I called you, I would have come back to be here for you all but I wasn’t strong enough to be around alcohol without temptation. I’m better now.” Clarke turned around and headed to the office, finding Bellamy hunched over his desk. “I’m not saying I told you so, but I saw this coming.”

“I know. I’m sorry I let her yell for so long, I just didn’t know what to say and she was talking so fast. I—“

“Bell, it’s okay. I expected it, it’s why I didn’t want to tell them like this,” Clarke sat on the edge of his desk, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You should have stopped me.”

Clarke scoffed, “You’re too stubborn. We both are.”

“How’d Abby take it?”

“I don’t know, once you and O left, I was getting yelled at by Raven who didn’t tell Roan about Wells until just now.”

“You missed O’s wedding, Wells’ funeral. Jake’s first steps, first words. You missed a lot, Clarke, and I forgave you, I let you see our son. It’s a lot, I see why they aren’t forgiving you and if you leave again. I don’t want you to come back. I can’t do this again,” Bellamy looked up at Clarke and the look in his eyes nearly broke her.

“I’m not going anywhere. I can’t leave him again.”

“You didn’t leave Jake, Clarke. You left me and I didn’t know if you were coming back. I can’t do that with three children.”

Clarke shook her head, cupping his jaw to have him look up at her again. “I can’t keep telling you something that you’re not going to believe. You don’t have to believe me but I can’t keep saying it. It’s like beating a dead horse by now.”

“I keep forcing you to do that, don’t I?” Clarke twisted her face, not exactly agreeing but not disagreeing either and Bellamy stood, kissing her forehead, wrapping her in a hug. “I’m sorry.

We should also get back out there.”

Clarke nodded, following his lead back out to the party that was just Roan, Miller, Abby and Kane. Everyone else had left.

“Sorry your party was a bust,” Roan said hugging Clarke.

She grimaced as he pulled away. “Don't be, I saw it coming. I just hoped people would see that we're happy about it.”

“You and Bellamy can do this, you can figure out how to raise three kids in two homes. You can do this.”

“I wish everyone else had faith in us like you.”

“The trick is to not let them get to you.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Of course they do. Are you going to Raven’s?”

“No, I'm mad at her response. I understand her not telling me about Wells but she’s allowed to tell me when she's ready and she wasn't. It's not like I'm going to tell her about all the women I was with in Boston either. I'm here and I'm happy so why should the past matter?”

“My whole life is about my past mistakes, no matter how much I try to put it past me someone throws it in my face.” Speaking that truth hurt, knowing that all people saw when they looked at her was Maya and her hand in her death. People adored Maya, hell, Clarke adored Maya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Time jump next chapter. Hoping that'll be the inspiration I need to get back into this.  
> Please comment. :)


	16. A Drawer at Your Place (Everything's Fine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mixture of a lot and nothing happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So because I jumped two months because... reasons (honestly they're all in the comments of the last chapter so, yeah), this was quick and easy to write.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I have never been pregnant and hopefully won't be for at least 5 more years so everything that has to do with pregnancy and check ups are from my stepmom and TV and reading books, so if anything is inaccurate (most definitely is) I'm sorry and I'm not going to try and work on it to change it to be more realistic.
> 
> I just swallowed a whole strawberry and I'm in pain, Dunkin, a little warning about the strawberries in your tea would have been great! Thanks! >:(
> 
> Sorry, this is longer than I intended. Happy reading, glad to be back in the saddle ;)

**April 21, 2017**

Clarke forgot how much she hated being pregnant. She’s at the halfway mark at twenty weeks and she looks seven months pregnant, not five.

She took a seat in the waiting room of Dr. Tsing’s office and waited for Bellamy who was parking the car. He has an obsession with dropping her at the door now. She's not incapable of walking from the parking spot, she thinks it has something to do with him freaking out about having two babies this time around. One was hard enough on him six years ago and not only is he going to have another child to care for, there are two which are three times harder than one and on top of the six year old they already have, he probably has no idea how they're going to do it.

Bellamy sat down next to her a minute later and kissed her temple. They're in a good place. Clarke knew that they needed to talk about some stuff but aside from that they were good, they're reading each other like they used to. It was helpful when they were working at the bar together, he kept a closer eye and they flirted with whatever patron flirted with them but neither of them went home with anyone but each other. Yeah, that happened, it wasn’t like Clarke could get pregnant... again. “Nervous?” he asked and Clarke knew it wasn't because she was nervous but because he was.

“No, they're good today.”

“Good, are you? You've been sad lately.”

“Just thinking about the nonexistent sleep we’ll be getting in three months.”

“Three?”

“Yeah, twins usually come before thirty-six weeks and they're usually around five pounds.”

“That's so small! Jake was seven and he was tiny!”

“I know, but I'm healthier now than I was with him, okay? They should be normal size and just over five pounds, Tsing says everything is fine, remember?”

“But at the last checkup—“

Clarke growled at him, thinking about everything Dr. Tsing said about Baby Two last time scared the shit out of Clarke, but she didn’t need Bellamy coming in and making her worry more. Stress just makes it worse and Clarke was a big bundle of stress with everything at work and realizing that the babies are coming in July instead of August because there are two babies growing inside her and they don’t make it to full term usually, so she has little to no time to prepare one bedroom let alone two after school lets out at the end of June. “Baby Two will be fine, okay?” she snapped. “If Dr. Tsing says not to worry, don't. I don't need you a nervous wreck, Bellamy.”

“We need to pick names.”

“Without the genders?”

“Yes. We should be prepared!”

“Don't yell in the OB’s office, Bell, jeez!” Clarke scolded before apologizing to the other ladies in the office.

“Griffin-Blake,” the nurse called and Clarke and Bellamy headed into the exam room.

“Julian?”

“Are you going to do this whole Greek/Roman Empires thing, are you?” Clarke asked as she stepped up onto the exam table, lying back with a sigh, Baby One spent the whole night kicking her ribs and she was exhausted. She could barely teach her classes about the importance of shading and depth.

“You don't like Julian?”

“I don't like Julius, Julian isn't that bad if you're a One Tree Hill fan.”

“Okay, Julia for a girl?”

“I like it.”

“Okay so we have one of four names down.”

“Why don't you want to know the sexes?”

“I wasn’t allowed with Jake. It was a hope with him. I would have named him Aurora if he were a girl.”

“Julia Aurora?”

“I like it.”

“August?” Clarke offered with a smirk.

“Like Augustus? My favorite Roman emperor?”

“No, the month.”

“The month named after my favorite Roman Emperor.”

“Yes, it’s a compromise, Bell.”

“Fine, but I’m not calling him Gus, I don’t want him thinking he’s a fucking mouse thanks to Cinderella.”

“You would remember that.”

“I have two nieces under the age of five, I’ve seen every Disney movie. And with Jake I’ve seen every Pixar animation. It’s better for boys.”

“Everyone knows that. So Julia Aurora and August…what?”

“August Knight?” Bellamy offered and Clarke immediately grimaced.

“What are we Beyoncé or the Kardashians? No.”

“August Kash?”

“With a K? I’m not naming my child after Johnny Cash.”

“Yes with a K, Clarke with an E,” he smirked squeezing her hand, not knowing when they began holding hands or who initiated it. It's been happening more often than not lately.

“It’s added on and I’m named after an author.”

“So am I and I think my father was French and Filipino or something, Aurora was vague.”

“When are you going to call her Mom?” Clarke mocked him.

“When you call Abby ‘Mom’.”

There was a knock on the door and Dr. Tsing walked in. “Clarke, Bellamy. How are you feeling?”

“Tired, kept me up last night kicking away at my ribs,” Clarke smiled.

“You didn't tell me that,” Bellamy stated, concerned.

“Because it's normal, right Doc?”

“Absolutely normal. Anything feel out of the ordinary? Something different?”

“Other than her craving pickles and vanilla frosting?” Bellamy asked.

“Shut up, these are my questions,” Clarke elbowed Bellamy’s shoulder.

“So aside from an odd craving, everything is normal.”

“Comfortable,” Clarke corrected, Baby Two.

“Right, let's take a look at your babies.”

Clarke pulled her shirt up, revealing her giant baby bump and stretch marks that Bellamy always made sure to kiss while yanking her panties down.

She shook the thought out of her head at the freezing sensation on her stomach, making her jump. Bellamy squeezed her hand.

Dr. Tsing spread the jelly with the wand in her hand while looking for the right angle to see both babies. “Okay, so Baby One is looking good and…” she clicked a few buttons on the screen. “So does Baby Two, I'm thinking that Baby One was being a nutrient hog and… it finally let its sibling eat too.”

“I really hate hearing ‘it’ instead of the proper pronoun,” Clarke grimaced, glaring at Bellamy.

“I love that it's torturing you. Payback is a bitch, Princess.”

“Your children are going to have your dirty mouth.”

“My children? It takes two to tango, babe.”

“Hey, you did this to me and you don't want to know the genders so they are yours until they're born.”

“So Clarke, I know that's good news and you two have been worrying but on a serious note, if you don't have to be standing, I don't want you to. So when you're teaching, I understand you need to but otherwise, sitting will be best for you.”

Clarke groaned, she hated being idle, being idle meant thinking. Thinking meant regretting and regretting meant wanting to forget which has always lead to drinking. She can’t.

Bellamy seemed to pick up on it because he squeezed her hand tighter, bringing her attention to him. “I got you. You and our babies, okay?”

She nodded as a wayward tear fell from her eye. “I love you. I should have been saying it but you haven’t trusted me and we haven’t talked. We have to have that talk.”

“I know, we will. We’re going to have two healthy babies, Clarke. I’ll keep your mind off things, just stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You still need help at the bar.”

“I’ll hire someone, it’s about time I do. You need to rest, you need to take care of our babies, okay? I need you to take care of our babies.”

Clarke nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes before turning to Dr. Tsing, “Okay.”

“Your blood pressure has gone down, which helps. Reading also gets your mind off whatever is plaguing you.”

“My last pregnancy wasn’t a walk in the park, I was a recovering alcoholic. I—I am an alcoholic,” Clarke admitted for the first time since moving back to Arkadia. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bellamy’s Adam’s apple jump.

* * *

**April 22, 2017**

“So have you two thought about what’s going to happen once the babies are born?” Abby asked at lunch the next day.

Clarke took a bite of her grilled chicken and swallowed. They hadn’t, Clarke kind of assumed they’d be with her except when she was working in October. They need to talk about a lot more than that, they settled on two names, but different genders and they don’t know the genders because Bellamy is being an asshole because she didn’t keep him in the loop in Boston.

“No, we’ve been working or with Jake and neither are really appropriate times or places to talk about serious stuff.”

“Agreed, but didn’t you and he go out last Saturday while Marcus and I had Jake and Echo and Nathan had the Dropship.”

“And a fight broke out at the Dropship and Bellamy dropped me off at home on his way there. So no talking and yesterday with Dr. Tsing was embarrassing, I actually said that I’m an alcoholic for the first time since moving back. I was a mess afterwards.”

Abby swallowed her lemon water and stared at her plate that’s barely been touched, “I didn’t know it was a big deal for you.”

“I didn’t either, but I’ve been here eight months and I never said it. Roan doesn’t count and I know it shouldn’t have mattered because it’s not a secret or anything, I’m not hiding. She knew, she told me I was pregnant with Jake. But she also just told us that Baby Two is doing better, she’s grown and is close to a normal size.”

“She?” Abby asked, excited.

“I feel like one’s a girl, Bellamy refuses for either of us to know the genders. Payback for Jake.”

“He was worried sick about the both of you. He was also angry, it was when Kane thought of him and Octavia boxing, they were both so hurt when you left. He didn’t give up on you, he just wanted you to get better with freedom, do whatever you had to in order for you to come back to him. That’s why he had the separation papers drawn up.

“Baby, I thought a love as pure as his for you was long gone, I had it with your father and Thelonious had it with Sarah.” Clarke grimaced at the mention of Wells’ mother. “But what you two have, it’s that pure unconditional love that forgives everything. It’s rare and I’d hate for the two of you to miss out on the raw magic and wonders of that love.”

“Bellamy and I aren’t perfect,” Clarke grimaced.

“I never said that, just that your love is pure… and all encompassing.”

The more she thought about it, the more she saw what Abby was talking about. The moment she walked into the bar and saw Bellamy she felt it, the stillness, the pure emotion that ebbed between them, she loved how much he hated it and reveled in its power because it always helped her scope out a situation. She was so finely tuned to his emotions and body language and it scared her, she was gone for six years, he raised their son and had a whole life without her and yet every muscle that twitched and pheromone that radiated off of him, she knew what it meant, how he felt. And it hadn’t let up, even when they were screaming their heads off at each other, even when they fucked in November and last month, Clarke knew how much he loved her and she ignored it out of fear. Not fear, she told him she loved him back in November and they had a fight about how she couldn’t because six years away is too long to still know a person.

She told him yesterday because she thought that being back eight months would have been better timing but then he didn’t say it back and, though she held it together, it nearly broke her heart. He reassured her that he was going to be there for her and support her and the twins, but he didn’t say that he loved her back.

Has she read everything his body has been telling her wrong?

Clarke thought about it for the rest of lunch, until Abby let her off the hook and sent Clarke home where a stack of Roman history and Greek mythology books sat on the bench next to her door waiting for her. Bellamy.

* * *

**April 25, 2017**

“Hey,” Bellamy grumbled as Roan sat in a stool right in front of him as he was making an old fashioned for the man down the bar.

“We need to talk about your wife.”

“I feel like that's all we talk about.”

He garnished the drink with an orange and walked it down to the man before returning and leaned on the bar awaiting Roan’s new point on Bellamy’s unfortunate lackluster marriage.

“We were texting, it's become the easiest form of communication with Raven around, and she doesn't sound right. What happened at the ultrasound last week?”

“Baby Two is healthy and Clarke is on semi bedrest. She's not happy about that but she knows how serious doctors orders are, she's not going to fight it.”

“So what are you missing? What didn't happen?”

“I—fuck! I didn't tell her I love her back.”

“That's big, I think. Why didn't you?”

“I don't know, I said it every other way, every possible version. Every promise and vow. I just didn't say those three words. I'm an idiot.”

“What are you going to do? She needs to know,” Roan grimaced and Bellamy grabbed a beer from the cooler and popped the cap before handing it over.

“I'm going to tell her,” Bellamy grabbed his phone and checked the time. Eleven-thirty, she's definitely asleep. “Tomorrow.”

“Do not back out on this, Bellamy. This is Clarke and I know you two have gotten closer but you guys still haven't had a serious talk. I'm on the Bellarke bandwagon, I'm a third of your fan base next to Abby and Jake.”

“Fan base?”

“Yeah, your supporters.”

“You guys are insane,” Bellamy laughed downing the last of his whiskey.

* * *

**April 26, 2017**

Clarke was on the verge of sleep with a new episode of that apocalyptic show she felt was highly underrated and it's underground following kept the ratings up even after the lesbian love interest of the bisexual main character was killed off causing a huge stir and Clarke swore that if the people on the internet met in real life a riot would break out.

It wasn't that she fell asleep during it because it was boring, more like she was pregnant and exhausted from a long day of dealing with teenagers that thought they knew better than her… they didn't. And she could watch the episode on her phone during her lunch break. It wasn't a total loss.

So she was dozing during a commercial when there was an angry knocking on her door.

“What the hell?” she asked groggily getting off the couch and lazily walked to the door as the pounding started again. “What?” she asked angrily yanking the door open to find a hectic Bellamy with his hair a mess, he must have pulled and yanked on it to muss it up so much.

“Move in,” he said quickly and Clarke was sure she’d misheard him.

“What?”

He breathed and shut his eyes before opening them a moment later and he was steadier. “Move in. I love you, I've always loved you and knew that you'd come back for good when you did. When you walked into the bar that day I felt like I could breathe again. Finally after suffocating for six years, I could breathe.”

“Bellamy, you can't just knock on my door at ten o'clock at night and ask me to move in with you and Jake. You…” his words just sank in, he loves her. He actually said it. He loves her.

“Please, I want my family back and you're a huge part of that.”

“Where's Jake?”

“With Roan. I trust him.”

Clarke grimaced skeptically. “Bellamy, go take our son home and we will talk about this at a better time.”

“But there is no better time, we always say that and something happens that won't allow us to actually talk. Roan has Jake, Echo and Miller have the bar. Octavia and Lincoln are hopefully asleep and your mother… I don't know but I doubt she'd call about anything.”

“You're killing me, I'm pregnant with your babies and you're keeping me from sleep while knowing I'm not allowed caffeine.”

“Shit you were sleeping?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry, I'll go,” he turned to leave but Clarke grabbed his arm.

“Do you want to stay?”

“Yeah?”

“You owe me a coffee with no complaints because one won't hurt them.”

He nodded, eyes soft, “Okay.”

“So, you want me to move in?” Clarke asked as he walked in and to the couch she was nearly asleep on minutes ago.

“Yes.”

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

“I am here for Jake and you, not Octavia and Raven’s opinions. I'm rather sick of them getting between us.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don't want to live here anymore. If you moved away from them when I came back—I would have come to wherever you were—they wouldn't have had such an impact on our relationship.”

“So are you asking me to move?”

“You want to live together. I want that too but Bellamy, but I can't keep worrying about them showing up and throwing in their opinions. It's stressful and you know that I can't have stress right now. I know it's your sister, Bellamy, and I don't want to take her away from you. I love her but I hate how she makes me feel.”

“Okay, I’ll call around for teaching positions tomorrow.”

“You can't just agree!”

Bellamy stood and cupped her cheek. “I want you. I want our family to actually be a family. I'm not saying that they aren't going to be in our lives, they've been a big part of Jake’s life, I can't just cut them out of it.”

“I know and I hate this, Bellamy. I hate asking you to walk away from everything you know and love but I'm not comfortable here. I haven't been comfortable since Maya. I came back for Jake and you.”

“I want you to be happy and the memories here aren't the best for either of us. You want to go, we’ll go but our families that we're leaving behind have to be able to come visit and vice versa.”

Happy? The only time Clarke has been happy since her return to Arkadia was when she was with Jake and when Bellamy told her they weren't going to abort her pregnancy, even before knowing she was having twins. Also when she was told she was having twins. She nearly cried tears of joy that day.

Maybe she was searching for redemption, maybe she's trying to make up what she lost but she also needed to remember that it wasn't just her loss. Jake lost a mother, Bellamy lost a wife, her decisions have consequences and she's facing them, trying to.

“Of course. Abby and O are a big part of his life and I'm not going to keep them from him. I don't want to be the bad guy.”

“I'm the bad guy, I had the bruised ego. I didn't open your letter. If I did, I would have done something different. I—I would have moved to Boston for you, for us and Jake. I would have done anything but I was hurt and angry and I kept him from you and that wasn't fair.”

“The past doesn't matter, Bellamy. We're here and we're expanding our family. We made mistakes but we're moving past them, right? You and me.”

“Yes, we are. Let's get some sleep and find somewhere tomorrow. I love you.”

One of the babies kicked and Bellamy chuckled, they were standing so close he felt it and Clarke smiled. She thinks they're happy when they kick out like that. She loved it. Then again it wasn't her ribs so she was happy no matter why they kicked. “Sleep sounds amazing.”

Bellamy kissed Clarke sweetly before letting her lead him to her room to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was being weird and thinking of possible ways to end this around the 20 chapter mark and my God, please don't hate my final decision.
> 
> To be honest what I was doing while I was thinking was weird not the fact that I contemplated different options.  
> I wrote most of this story in a bathtub so nothing is really weird in my eyes but the action I was partaking in was fairly weird to be thinking about the end of a story with.  
> It shall remain a mystery for all to wonder.


	17. Flawed Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Bellamy Blake!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't realize what the dates were when I wrote this and I'm severely creeped out now that I've gone over it.  
> So for obvious reasons, I skipped over Clarke's October birthday, why would she have celebrated with anyone then? So then it was Octavia's daughter, Mel's birthday (yes, I now realize that Mel is an actual character in the show, whatever) in November and Clarke and Jake baked her a cake, kinda like an olive branch towards Octavia. Then Jake's birthday with Luna (where has she been?). So now it's Daddy Blake's birthday and the date that I subconsciously chose as his birthday? My actual asshole of a father's birthday. Kill me.  
> Anyway, happy reading, I'm going to gouge my eyes out or just pour acid in them.

**April 30, 2017**

Clarke rolled onto her back and sighed, she had a love/hate relationship with Sundays and for this date to be what it was, she wasn’t all that excited about waking up. Yes, she’s spending the day with Bellamy and Jake looking at houses in Suffolk. He already called Bryan and put this house, Kane’s house that was signed over to Bellamy, on the market. He said he’s keeping their old house until the Miller and Monty can buy it from him. It’s nice of him, though he keeps ragging on Miller’s lack of novel completion.

He somehow got them both interviews at Norfolk State for the fall semester and Clarke was more nervous than she thought possible.

She got out of bed and found Bellamy making pancakes.

“You should be in bed,” she smirked, leaning against the counter next to him.

“I have a constantly hungry pregnant wife and a growing boy to feed, who’s going to feed them if I’m in bed?” he smiled, leaning over to press his lips to hers. “Good morning.”

“Happy birthday, Bell.”

He smirked, flipping a pancake over.

“I didn’t know what to get you.”

“You’re giving me two babies, I don’t need anything else.”

“God, you’re corny. We can’t even have birthday sex, I know that would make your day… a birthday blowjob?”

“That would be awesome if our son wasn’t awake.”

“Tonight?”

He sighed, “Clarke, we can’t risk anything right now, you know that.”

“A hand job? Come on, Bell, I’m more than capable of doing stuff.”

“Well, right now, you need to sit.”

“Fuck that.”

“Clarke, please, for the babies.”

“I hate this.”

“I know, but please, for me, for them.”

“Daddy!” Jake yelled jumping down the last two steps on the stairs and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Jake please take one step at a time.”

“Okay, Mom,” he smiled running in and attacking Bellamy’s legs in a hug. “Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, bud, did you and Mom bake me a cake? I’ll feel left out, her cakes are amazing!”

“We’re going on a drive today,” Jake grimaced.

Clarke climbed onto a stool at the island. “We baked you a cake. Who knew my baked goods would be in such high demand?”

“Your cooking is atrocious, but you’re amazing at baking. It’s a miracle.”

Clarke smirked, “Baking classes after work, before AA, idle time isn’t good for me.”

“Right, so breakfast and then shower and we get on the road?”

“I want to see Auntie Ray!”

“Tomorrow, baby, it’s Daddy’s birthday.”

“You keep saying that, but tomorrow comes and I don’t see her. I want to see her.”

Bellamy sighed, “I’ll call her and see if she’s free tomorrow, okay?”

“Now! I want to talk to her now!”

“Okay, here,” Bellamy pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it to his son.

Jake tapped away on the screen for a minute before putting the phone up to his ear and bound into the living room and pounced on the leather couch.

“He’s never acted like that before. Well, aside from when he found out you are his mother.”

Clarke grimaced, remembering that night, it was horrible but they’ve gotten past it and he likes her now. “Yeah, that wasn’t fun.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to bring it back up.”

“No, it’s—he’s six, it’s understandable, would have been easier if I came back before he was three, it would have been easier to explain.”

“We wouldn’t have had to explain anything, you would have just been Mom, like you are now but without the drama. He was more understanding then, now we have to explain everything.”

“Kids,” Clarke smiled.

“You know it’s going to be hard on our own.”

“I know, and I’m ready and willing for it all.”

Bellamy walked over to her and pressed a kiss on the crown of her head, right by the messy bun knotted at the top of her head. “You know I love you,” he smiled at her.

“I love you too.”

“You’re worried.”

“Of course I am. Baby Two is out of the woods, but is she really?”

“’She’?”

“I want a girl.”

“So do I, a little Clarke running around, I’d fucking love it,” Bellamy smiled and Clarke’s cheeks and neck heated. Man, did she wish she could have sex right now, but no, it’s too high a risk for the babies. Six months along, high risk, two months to go, Clarke couldn’t wait to feel less like a hippo and more like a…gazelle isn’t the right animal, she’s too clumsy for that title but if the metaphor fit.

* * *

“Are we there yet?” Jake asked for the eighth time, his iPad just died and Bellamy left the charger at home so they’re going to be bombarded with the same question for the next half hour when they’re meeting the real estate agent.

“Another half hour bud, why wasn’t your iPad charging last night?” Clarke asked.

“I forgot to. Dad always has a charger.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Bellamy grumbled, because even with the iPad, Jake was still constantly asking “Are we there yet?” and it was getting on their nerves.

Clarke winced as one of the babies kicked one of her ribs and she nearly groaned. Bellamy gave her his hand to squeeze. It’s happening more often than not recently.

“Mom, there are _two_ babies inside you?”

“Yes there are, I don’t know how but there are two.”

“How’d you get one? I thought a mommy and a daddy have to be happy together for a baby to come.”

Clarke bit her cheek, trying to hold back a laugh.

“I told him that when we found out about Leanna, it was around the time he started pestering me for a brother or sister so I told him that.”

A pang of jealousy crashed over Clarke, he could have said yes and given Jake a sibling with Gina. He could have done that and Clarke wouldn’t have blamed him if he did, he always wanted a big family, one that wasn’t broken. “We weren’t happy then.”

“No, we weren’t, but we are now and that’s what matters, right?”

“Yeah,” Clarke smiled before craning her next to look at her beautiful son. “So, Dad told you that a mommy and a daddy have to be happy to have a baby? And it takes nine months for that baby to come out of mommy’s belly?” Clarke absently rubbed her stomach. She missed being pregnant but didn’t miss some of the side effects, like her giant monster feet. “Well it’s true that Daddy and I weren’t happy when we found out I was having a baby, and sometimes that’s how it happens, it’s not shameful or bad, it was certainly unexpected but that’s okay. Sometimes the best things in life are the unexpected ones.”

“Like me?”

Clarke glared at Bellamy.

“That wasn’t me.”

“Gamma said I was unexpeked.”

“Abby,” Clarke growled.

“She didn’t know I could hear her, she was talking about you to Gampa.”

“Of course she was.”

“I don’t want to move. Is that what we’re doing?”

“No, baby, we’re going to look at houses today.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I know, but you get to pick out your room and everything you want in there.”

“I want my pirate ship bed.”

“That’s at Grandma’s,” Bellamy reminded him.

“I want it!”

“Hey,” Bellamy said sternly and Jake and Clarke both jumped, she’s never seen him like that with Jake, always nice. “I can build you another one but only if you behave. You don’t demand anything, you ask nicely.”

“Bell—“ Clarke said but stopped when she saw the look in his eyes, the one he gave her when she walked into the Dropship after six years away. It sent a shiver down her spine. She only saw it once after that when he was defending her to his sister at the baby party thing, what the hell was it called? Certainly not a baby shower, Clarke actually got one of them in rehab, not that she got any gifts, but still.

The ride was quiet after that and when they pulled into the real estate’s office, Clarke let Bellamy go inside for them, partly because she wasn’t allowed to walk and today they’re walking through houses and the other part was Jake and how frightened he was at Bellamy’s outburst.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay if you’re not, moving is difficult for everyone, but it’s not going to be until the summer and we’ll let you say goodbye to your friends. You’ll make new ones at your new school.”

“I'm not worried about moving, I've had friends in school move. Why?”

“Because we aren't supported. No one likes me and we can't live like that, not around the people we care about.”

“Aunt Tava and Ray,” he guessed.

“Yeah,” Clarke grimaced hating that her son knew what was going on with his family.

* * *

 

“He’s going to have fun here,” Clarke smiled watching Jake play on the swing set in the backyard of her favorite house of the day.

She was exhausted, going up and down stairs when she was supposed to be sitting. Bellamy said something about it a couple times but knew that Clarke needed to see the house they were going to live in once the twins were born.

“You want this one?” Bellamy asked, his hand on the small of her back.

“It's the best one we've seen and it's a good neighborhood. The master bath is amazing! And I know you love that kitchen.”

“It's two hundred.”

“I know, it's what we're looking for though.”

“I thought we could put some money away, save it for them.”

Clarke grimaced, she wants that too. School is expensive and unless Bellamy gets the professor job with tenure, they won’t be able to afford to send three kids to college and they certainly won’t want to go to school near their parent’s if they’re anything like Clarke that is. Though she’s hoping she’s nothing like her overbearing mother.

“And what about Miller and Monty? They’re paying you for the house?”

“They’re renting, not buying and I’m sure they’d like to buy but we just haven’t talked about it being an option. Miller is still writing his book every spare second he has so on top of working at the Dropship and teaching and Monty, there’s not a lot of time for writing let alone talking about buying the house.”

“So try Monty, I’m sure he has Miller’s ear.”

“Right,” he smirked, knowing Monty has more than Miller’s ear.

“So, is this the one?”

“Are you requiring a studio?”

“Are you saying you’ll build me a studio?”

“Whatever the hell you want, baby,” Bellamy smirked leaning over and kissed Clarke’s cheek. “Go sit, I’ll wrangle him up and talk to the realtor.”

“I hate sitting,” she grumbled, but headed back inside to go out front to the car, rolling her eyes at the thought of ever driving a minivan.

* * *

**May 2, 2017**

“Hey,” Harper said, sitting at one of the tables in Clarke’s classroom, she was grading projects they just finished in class today.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing, you haven’t been to the faculty room in a while.”

“I’ve been instructed to sit as much as possible, if I don’t have to stand, I shouldn’t and it’s not like me to listen to what the doctors say but they’re my kids, can’t risk them.”

“You’re thinking July still, like Harry Potter?”

“I’d prefer August, but beggars can’t be choosers. They come when they come and I can do what the doctor tells me just so it can prolong their incubation.”

“Incubation… jeez, Clarke, sometimes I forget that you were a pre-med student. I’m so used to you being all artsy that when you talk doctor, I’m shocked.”

“Well, my kids are my life. Everything I’ve done is to protect them and no matter how poor the decision was or prolonged repercussions were, I always tried to protect my family.”

“I know, I believe you. I hate that Octavia and Raven are—“

“Raven and I talked, Roan dragged her to the Dropship last week, granted, he pretty much wouldn’t let her upstairs, but still, we’re okay.”

“Good. It’s just Octavia then?”

“Yeah, Lincoln and Kane have tried talking to her and she won’t talk to Bellamy, he’s acting like everything is fine, but it obviously isn’t and he snapped at Jake Sunday. He’s trying to keep everything together and he can’t and it’s my fault. I can’t fix everything between me and Octavia, I tried and she’s a brick wall with steel bracing.”

“Yeah, the brick can be torn down though, it just takes a lot of hard work. But maybe not when you’re pregnant with a watermelon.”

“Wow, calling a pregnant woman fat, someone’s being real right now, I love it. Bellamy only tells me I’m beautiful.”

“Beautiful but hugely pregnant. It’s a good combination.”

“A good combination, like you and Monroe?”

“There might be something going on there but I don’t want to jinx it, she’s… she likes me, she just doesn’t know what to do with Sterling.”

“I’m not seeing an issue with Sterling, what’s his part in this?”

“They’re engaged. I haven’t done anything, she kissed me!”

“That’s what I said to Raven about Finn, it was true but I didn’t know about Raven. You know about Sterling, you’re _friends_ with Sterling. It’s like comparing apples to apple sauce, the only thing similar is the sweet-n-sour taste.”

“That was a great metaphor, how much time have you been spending with Miller?”

“Three nights a week at the Dropship. Still sober and pregnant, don’t worry.”

“I’m only worrying about when you were planning on telling everyone that you’re moving.”

“Uh…”

“Bryan told me, I was at the farmer’s market Saturday and did you know he sells antique furniture? Anyway, he mentioned you and Bell going to Suffolk to look at houses.”

In that moment Clarke wished she was a turtle, curling into her shell and hoping Harper would walk away without pressing.

* * *

**May 3, 2017**

“He wants a dog!” Clarke said bursting through the door. She began pacing in front of the island and Roan didn’t think she was going to stop until she felt a cramp and feared so but chose to ignore it to deal with her dog problem before shutting down her pacing, she deserves some pacing.

“Jake?” he asked, not entirely sure what she was talking about, just knowing that Raven’s going to be there in fifteen minutes with a growling stomach, needing some garlic pasta and grilled chicken with a side of steamed vegetables. It’s one of Clarke’s favorites too.

“No! Bellamy, I’d love for Jake to want a dog, but this is all Bellamy. He wants to get a puppy and train it before the twins are born and we move to Suffolk. I just—“

“Please sit down,” he said starting to worry. He doesn’t want her to stop venting, she shouldn’t be stressed, but she needs to sit before she gets hurt.

“I’ve been sitting for a month, I’m tired of sitting.”

“It’s barely been two weeks, you’re wearing the floor thin and Bellamy is going to kill me if you break through the floorboards and land in the center of the bar. And it won’t be because you broke the bar, but because I’m allowing you to do the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to be doing.”

“You’re not allowing, but you’re not forcing me to do what I should be doing because you know you can’t force me to do what I don’t want to do. I don’t want a dog, I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to take my family away from everyone they know, but I have no other choice!”

Roan watched Clarke for a moment, she stopped pacing and didn’t look too good as she gripped the island in front of her. “Clarke, sit.”

“No,” she gritted out.

“Christ, Clarke, this isn’t normal. Please sit or I’m calling Bellamy.”

The door opened and Raven walked in with Bellamy behind her. “Hey, I thought—”

“Clarke?” Bellamy maneuvered around Raven and was suddenly at Clarke’s side, holding onto her. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

She gasped for breath, her knuckles were white on the counter and Raven and Roan were frozen in place, waiting for something, anything to tell them that Clarke was going to be okay or if they should call 9-1-1.

“Seriously, if you don’t tell me what’s going on, I’m going to call an ambulance,” Bellamy told her whipping out his phone.

“Heartburn,” she said simply, looking at her husband incredulously. “It was just more than usual. You, love, worry too much.”

“I think I have the right to be worried about three-fifths of my family.”

“That’s a lot and disproportioned.”

“Are you not carrying two babies inside you right now?”

“Oh, I thought you wanted a dog. I thought we were going to trade the twins for a dog like you want,” her tone was calm and Roan was frightened for Bellamy’s sake because you do not mess with a pregnant woman, even when she’s goading you… especially when she’s goading you.

“Clarke, it was a suggestion, we—“

“A _suggestion?_ Moving was a suggestion, interviewing at Old Dominion was a suggestion. A dog is a commitment."

“We are going to be spending a lot of time with the babies, changing them, cleaning them, and feeding them. Generally making sure they don’t do anything that could risk their lives. The dog was a _suggestion_ for keeping Jake company while we focus on them so he doesn’t feel alone because we’re uprooting him and taking him away from all his friends and pretty much ignoring him. We won’t try to, we’ll just be too exhausted from the babies not to.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” Raven thankfully intervened because Roan already knew about their impending move and Clarke would have just ignored him, biting into Bellamy more.

Bellamy turned from his wife to their confused friend standing in the door of Roan’s apartment. “We’re moving once the twins are born.”

“What? Where are you going? You’re taking Jake away from everyone he knows! How—?”

“It’s best for us to raise our children in an environment without hostility.”

“Bellamy, this isn’t you.”

“Says a hostile.”

Raven scoffed, “I’ve always been hostile, since when did that mean I’m not good enough for your children?”

“When you treat their mother like a vermin.”

“Oh, come on, I—“

“Raven,” Roan said, looking at her, telling her to quit while she’s behind and not dig herself into a deeper hole.

“Roan, I—“

“You did.”

“She brought up Wells, how was I supposed to be okay with my dead fiancé’s best friend casually bringing him up when she didn’t even come to his funeral to say goodbye? That she didn’t even call me and cry with me on the phone, her _brother._ That was a fucking joke.”

“He was a brother to me,” Clarke said, wiping a tear off her cheek, now sitting on a stool. “He was my only friend until high school. I don’t even know how we all became friends, it was slow but I don’t remember who I met first. Octavia or if it was because Wells was dating Harper after I let him down… again. I know what a broken heart looks like, Raven, because I caused his to break countless times. I loved him and I hated doing it but he was my brother, not my lover and no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t see him another way.

“That was different for you, you fell in love with my best friend, my brother and I was so happy for you and him because after Finn and I, you both deserved to be happy. I wanted you and him to be happy together, have cute little babies that were best friends with my children with Bellamy. It was my dream for my two best friends to be as happy as I am with Bellamy. I loved Wells and I miss him every day of my life.”

Clarke lifted her ankle and pulled her pant leg up, revealing her “XII” tattoo with three hearts around it in a triangle formation. “Jacob Nathaniel Griffin. Wells Fairbanks Jaha. Maya Christine Vie. The twelve steps and the three people in my life that I loved and lost. Roan forgot about that day, he forgot that she was so hell bent on feeling something other than pain and regret that when she dragged him into the dilapidated storefront, he felt ridiculously out of place but also like fate brought them to the studio and he got the tree on his left forearm that took three times longer than Clarke’s dainty tattoo with more meaning than his ever did.

“Wells’ middle name was Fairbanks?” Bellamy grimaced.

“Yeah,” Clarke grimaced, it was more pretentious than Roan’s, which we won’t get to anytime soon.

“Okay, so I was a bitch, that doesn’t mean you should move, you think O wants you to move? If she knew—“

“She’d be happy, finally got rid of her big brother,” Bellamy snarled and Clarke squeezed his forearm, effectively shutting him up. “Stop, she loves you and she used to love the idea of us. I’ll talk to her.”

“It won’t work,” Raven grimaced. “I’ll ask her out somewhere, a girls’ night in and I’ll invite Harper and Monroe and she won’t suspect a thing.”

Bellamy scoffed.

“Okay, so she might but then I’ll mention Charlie Hunnam or Chris Hemsworth and she’ll come. Okay?”

“You’re trying to make everything okay again,” Roan shook his head at his favorite mechanical engineer that’s way too good for him.

“Shh,” she smiled at him before looking back at Clarke. “So?”

“You think it’ll work?”

Raven shrugged, “It’s worth a try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I can see... Bummer.
> 
> I'm going back to work this week so odds of my posting chapters so close together probably won't happen since my phone also decided to work properly again. I'm hoping to post every week again but don't hold it against me if I skip a week.
> 
> As Octavia Blake would say; "WE'RE BACK BITCHES!"


	18. It Won't Kill Ya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke takes a stand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Bellamy Blake! (and Dad!) posting for you men ;)  
> Buckle your seat belts folks, it's going to be a speedy ride!

**May 7, 2017**

Raven opened the door with a huge smile on, Harper and Monroe were already inside, Clarke was bringing the pizzas, playing the role of delivery boy that never leaves… no, this isn’t a seventies porno. Octavia was actually on time for once which surprised Raven but she was also glad she beat Clarke and the pizzas, hoping to get a couple glasses of wine in her by the time Clarke arrives with the pizzas. “O! You’re on time!”

Harper and Monroe squealed with excitement, though Raven knew they were nervous, she warned them beforehand .

“It’s not every day we have a girls’ night, I don’t think we’ve had one since Mel was born,” Octavia smiled, pulling a bottle of wine out of her purse.

“You brought booze! It’s officially a party!” Raven said as O walked into the house. Raven gave a look to Harper and Monroe like shit might hit the fan but they got this. They wouldn’t drink enough to incapacitate them if O tries to kill Clarke.

“So, what are we doing tonight?” she asked, popping the cork out of the bottle and pouring herself a glass.

“We were thinking a movie marathon, pedis were in the picture but then Monroe said something about track and field and it was thrown out the window. Pizza is on the way, we got you Hawaiian.”

“You guys are amazing! Pinot Noir and Hawaiian pizza, this night is already perfect.”

Raven smiled, hoping it was convincing enough. But when the doorbell rang a half hour later she wanted to fall into a grave and die because she knew what was going to happen in thirty seconds and two glasses of wine was not enough to prepare her for it.

Opening the door, Raven smiled at the very pregnant Clarke and took the pizzas from her so she could place her purse on the bench with the rest of the girls’ things. Raven guided her into the kitchen behind Octavia’s back, depositing the pizza on the island before turning to the pregnant blonde.

“Two glasses of wine, I don’t think it’s enough,” Raven grimaced. “Will you be okay?”

Clarke scoffed, “That’s not a word I’d use about me and Octavia, I don’t think we’ll ever be ‘okay’ maybe just tolerant.”

“I’d be okay with that, it’s hurting everyone, you know?”

“I—I didn’t.”

“Jeez, we have to come get the pizza, this is ne—Clarke?” Octavia came to a halt in the doorway, staring at Clarke’s baby bump before her face went rigid as she glared at Raven. “What is she doing here?”

“Would you believe me if I told you her baby shower, minus the gifts and stupid baby games?”

“No,” O and Clarke grimaced together.

“Octavia, I—“

“Was just leaving?” she offered interrupting.

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you out of my brother’s life for good. Those kids aren’t even his, he wouldn’t sleep with you and Gina at the same time. That was the high school and college, Bellamy. You taught him monogamy and he’s been good. You come back pregnant with twins and claim they’re his, he wouldn’t.”

Raven couldn't help but gape at Octavia's accusation, did she not remember what happened with Finn? The second Clarke found out he was cheating on Raven with her, she backed off. Clarke of all people wouldn't cheat or be a part in an adulterous act. She knew the harm and repercussions of cheating, she wouldn't do that to anyone, let alone Bellamy, she was crazy about him.

“I know who I married, who I fell in love with, whose heart I broke more times than I could count in those fourteen years I’ve loved him,” Clarke was calm, she knew Octavia was looking for a fight but she wasn't going to give it to her. It's not a fight to her, she knows what Bellamy wants and that's all that matters. “When I came back, he wasn’t happy about it, I wasn’t delusional about what coming back would entail. We agreed that we would put our relationship, our feelings, aside for Jake’s sake. Then he took me home on Thanksgiving because he felt bad about your outburst and something changed between us that night, for a moment we were just Clarke and Bellamy back when everything was good and no one was dead. I forgot about Maya, and Wells, and my dad, it was like I was a teenager again falling for my best friend’s older brother, trying not to fuck everything up for everyone by going after what I wanted.

“But of course I fucked up, I’m pregnant! The moment I knew, I told Bellamy and I told him I’d do whatever he wanted. I couldn’t take his words from our one night together seriously because he did go back to Gina and I didn’t want to force him into anything, but this is Bellamy. Bellamy, the boy who raised his sister, who looked out for every single friend of yours just because you cared about them. The man who put everyone before himself, who made his grieving friends his priority, thinking his wife was okay, because he didn’t see anything other than strength when he looked at me, thinking I was unbreakable. I fucking dove off that pedestal head first but he saw my remnants, too busy keeping his friends together. I’m not blaming him for not seeing it, I can’t, I didn’t either. None of us said a damn thing about how fucked up I was. I saw the guilt in your eyes when I came back, even when you were pissed that no one told you I was back, you felt guilty.

“Boston taught me how to read people. Yeah, most of the people there are assholes, but when you look in their eyes, you see what they really mean, who they really are. I tried not looking in your eyes, because I hoped you’d come around, but you haven’t, so I did, and you’re just angry and you don’t know what you’re truly mad about. I came home to my family, I let them choose what they wanted. I didn’t push them, I haven’t pushed you, but damn it, Octavia, we’re family. We’ve been family long before I married your brother, before I fell in love with him, I loved you, my best friend.”

“Fuck this!” Octavia spat, turning and heading towards the front door.

“Yeah, walk away, that’ll make the truth easier!” Clarke called after her before gasping and holding her stomach and gripping onto the counter. “R—Raven? Could you, um, drive me to the hospital? And could someone call Bellamy or Miller to let him know?”

“I got Bellamy,” Harper said, pulling her phone out of her pocket as Monroe and Raven helped Clarke walk to the car.

* * *

**May 8, 2017**

“Mr. Blake?” Bellamy barely heard, trying to stay awake. What time was it?

“Yeah?”

“Your wife, Clarke Griffin, she’s asking for you.”

“I—is she okay?”

“I’m a nurse, I don’t—I’m not at liberty to say. Would you like me to take you to her?”

Bellamy nodded, “Please.”

He stood and followed the nurse around corners and stood anxiously behind her in the elevator only to go around a few more corners where she swiped her ID badge at the door and it opened with ease and he followed her to a third door that she opened for him. “Thank you,” he managed weakly stepping inside the dim room.

“Bell?” he heard her voice weakly as he pushed the curtain aside, seeing his small wife look smaller in the hospital bed.

“Baby, what happened?”

Bellamy didn’t know how he got around the bed to the chair on the other side of the room, but he’s holding Clarke’s cold hand, trying to warm it up with his.

“I—I felt a dull pain all day, I figured it was a baby kicking but then it was a sharp shooting pain and I didn’t know what happened. The only thing that changed was Octavia—I definitely made it worse, by the way—and I knew that no matter what it was, how stupid a reason, I needed to get here. Harper called you? How long have you been waiting?”

“It’s four in the morning, I told the girls to go home and they can come back tomorrow. Raven went to Roan’s with an overnight bag for him and her, they made it a party so he wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong.”

“Our son is a genius, he knows something’s wrong, I blame you.”

“Mm, he’s smarter than both of us,” Bellamy smiled.

“So what did they do?”

“It was a lot of waiting, they wanted to discuss my pregnancy with Tsing and I was fine with that, but it took an hour to get a hold of her and another hour before she gave the go ahead to remove my appendix being wary of the twins. I’m on bedrest until they’re born. Yay me!” she added in sarcastically.

“You’re all okay?”

“Yeah, your girls are okay.”

Bellamy studied her, there was something she wasn't telling him and he felt he needed to know. “What?”

“They stupidly told me the genders, Tsing and I didn’t mention it to them, it wasn’t that important at the time and they said girls. We’re having two little girls, Bell.”

“Geez, what the hell are we naming Julia Aurora’s sister?” he smiled.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course! I’m just glad my three girls are okay.”

Bellamy's smile seemed to sooth Clarke's worries. “Me too,” she murmured softly before yawning.

"Get some rest, I'll be here when you wake."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've misinformed you, it's going to be a bumpy ride as well.  
> Please comment, last chapter was lacking and I was sad to not bring more insight to the Bellarke world in my head.  
> Thank you for reading this love child of mine.


	19. Eppur Si Muove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bed rest makes strange bed fellows... or thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter, I've just landed in Charlotte, I didn't know it could take this long to fly here, last time it was 5 hours with an hour in Philly, but none the less, I've been crying through both flights while writing this, because writing this chapter was more important than preparing for my interview in the morning! This is the end of a seven month writing journey, it's something I never thought would happen, me sticking through a story all the way to the end, it doesn't happen often for me so I'm pretty damn proud and emotional over it.  
> Also my family will be proud because I won't be talking about it anymore, driving them nuts over me constantly talking about it and them not being allowed to read it. It's different with family, if I let them read it, I let them see my dark and twisty side they don't know about.  
> Anyway, here's Chapter 19 :)

**May 30, 2017**

Clarke grimaced at her mother, she’s stopped by her room every day after her shift, even during it some days and it was driving Clarke crazy. Sure, Bellamy came every day, bringing Jake every other day, not wanting to overwhelm him.

Clarke’s been in the hospital bed for nearly a month now, and she was going crazy, she’s watched a lot of TV—too much—and has gone through three books every two days and is tired of using her imagination and not doing anything productive, not teaching her students anything or baking with Jake, Clarke was feeling useless and she hates feeling useless.

Octavia walked into the room and Clarke refrained from calling security, she knew Octavia wouldn’t do anything but yell.

“Hi,” she said, Leanna on her hip, she’s no threat.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on my nieces.”

“Didn’t think you’d care.”

Octavia closed the door and set Leanna down with a stuffed alligator. “She’s a tomboy,” she said shaking her head and Clarke turned her head back to the TV, wishing she could have some of the fried chicken on the TV, it looked amazing! “Clarke, I—Bellamy was my whole life, he was the dad I never had which wasn’t fair to him. He was just a kid listening to his mother. Then he had you and I knew he would be a great father when the two of you decided to have children because he was great with me. And he’s amazing with Jake and he had help, it’s you I’m worried about. It’s you I’m hard on because I want what’s best for my nieces and nephew. I want that to be you, but how am I supposed to know if you are? I’m worried about you.”

“It was just an appendectomy, I’m okay.”

“Clarke.”

“I know, but how am I supposed to prove it to you if you won’t even talk to me? You won’t spend the time with me to see if I am a good mom to Jake, that I do everything for these girls, do everything my doctors ask me to do. I fucked up seven years ago but I learned my lesson and I worked my ass off to be at a place where I can be a good mom. I tried, Octavia, I came to your house and baked a birthday cake with your daughter and you barely said a word to me and then flip out on me for getting pregnant, you accused me of cheating on him. No other person on this planet has ever touched my heart like he has. He’s the father of my son, of the babies growing inside me, I hurt him and I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make up for that while knowing that I can’t. I took six years away from us… I did that. I know I fucked up and I’ve been owning it. You just haven’t tried seeing it.”

“I know, it’s all my fault, I just—he looked out for me and I owe him, you know?”

“I know, of course I do, I’ve known you for eighteen years. I know you love him, I thought you’d have come around sooner, but—“

“What?”

“We’re moving. Bellamy interviewed at Norfork State and got the job.”

“What? Why? What about Mecca State?”

“We decided to get away from out haunting pasts and go somewhere new.”

“You decided without telling anyone?” she spat and Leanna babbled as the door opened. And Bellamy walked in.

Both women glared at him as Leanna reached up, babbling “Bell” repeatedly so he’d pick her up and he did. “What’s going on?” he asked warily.

“You’re moving?”

Bellamy blinked, “I got a job. Clarke is going to stay home with the girls for a year before going back to work. We have money saved up so we can afford to do that. We need some distance.”

“From what?” Octavia shot harshly, not understanding their decision at all.

“ _You_ ,” Bellamy spat and Clarke gaped at him, she couldn’t believe he actually said it to Octavia’s face. She needed to hear that she was acting like a brat, but that wasn’t how it should have been said.

Octavia scoffed, “Why do you think I’m here? You think I’m going to hurt her with my daughter here to watch? I’m not my father, Bellamy, I may not be happy about your situation, but I’m at least trying.”

“You should have tried in November.”

“Bellamy, stop, it’s okay,” Clarke said.

“No, it’s not and I should have said something sooner. I love you, O. I love Lincoln and your girls, but how you treat Clarke, how you act towards her, it’s like I don’t even know you. She was your best friend since you were eleven and she had a bad year when she was twenty three and I didn’t see it, her _husband_ didn’t see it but where the hell were you? You weren’t pregnant, you weren’t married, you certainly weren’t with Jasper taking care of his broken heart like everyone else so why weren’t you taking care of your best friend who felt like it was all her fault? Regardless of what you believed, you should have told her she didn’t do anything wrong, that it was all Cage’s drunken driving, because he was drunk and _he_ killed Maya.”

“I was working, you know I was working.”

“And since when did work stop you from doing what you wanted? You didn’t call her or text. Great fucking best friend! You didn’t even know she was gone for two months.”

“You’re right,” Octavia said simply and stood.

“No, he’s not,” Clarke said. “It’s not all on her, Bellamy. I didn’t let you see it, I didn’t let her. I was on my own and I wanted it that way. I didn’t want people to see me like that, I avoided people, Bellamy. You can’t blame her. The best day I had that year, the only day I remember and I didn’t feel like a total fuck up that killed her friend, was the day Jake was conceived.”

The argument didn’t end there, it didn’t end until Bellamy stormed out after thirty minutes of Clarke and Octavia both arguing against him and he wasn’t having it so he left. Clarke didn’t want to argue with him, she hated it, but he was wrong, if he didn’t see a problem with her seven years ago, how could his sister? How could any of their friends?

Octavia and Leanna left once they brought Clarke her horrific dinner and Clarke called Bellamy, letting him know that she doesn’t blame him or anyone else for not seeing what she didn’t allow them to see when she didn’t even let him see it. _I bear it so they don’t have to_ , on a loop in her head, not remembering where she’d heard it for it to start, maybe she thought it and used it as a crutch, a reason to distance herself from everyone.

* * *

**June 2, 2017**

There was a knock on the door before it opened gently and Clarke heard, “Someone requested my presence?” and she smiled. Miller.

“Please come in! Bellamy said you have my son today.”

“He’s getting a Sprite with Abby, no caffeine for the little twerp,” Miller said sitting down.

“He’s good for you.”

“Yeah, I kind of wish I had one for myself.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“I guess you wouldn’t, but you will twice over.”

“I’m so scared, Miller, it’s crazy. I don’t know how we’re going to do this.”

“Well, you’ve been saving money since you moved into the house and your mom is paying the hospital bills so you have plenty of money for diapers.”

“I’m going to be home alone with two baby girls, Nate, it’s going to be horribly loud.”

“Babies are loud.”

“Girls are trouble.”

“They are. Clarke, we’re not close, why’d you ask for me? I know it’s not for your son.”

Clarke looked up at him solemnly, she had this feeling, she didn't want to think about it too much but it ate at her and she needed to say it to someone that cared about them as though they were family and that was Miller. Day One Miller. “Look out for them for me.”

“Clarke, don’t—“

“I know I don’t have to ask, I know you will but I need reassurance that if anything happens to me, make sure that Bellamy is happy. I need him to be happy.”

Miller's jaw tightened, this wasn't in his comfort zone, he didn't deal with emotions well. Clarke knew that but knew he would always be there for Bellamy and especially Jake. “You and the babies are going to make it, Clarke. This is your chance, you’re going to do it and make it through and be the mom we all know you can be.”

“You’re right, I have to think positive, I’m just scared. When I make it, I’m going to need your help writing, how’s your book coming?”

“Sent it out to publishers three weeks ago. Haven’t heard anything yet,” he shrugged.

“That doesn’t mean they haven’t dismissed it, they could be reading it or it could be in a pile waiting to be read.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for. You want to write?”

“I want to try, I have an idea that I want to expand and see where it goes. I’m going to need help because I don’t know how to do it.”

“I have time if you want help.”

“What about your book?”

“At best, it’s being read, everything is up in the air until I get a phone call. I have a notebook in the car if you want to start jotting down ideas.”

“That’d be great, Miller, I can’t really do anything, can I?”

He laughed, “Abby is going to bring Jake by.”

* * *

 

> _Aja didn’t know what it felt like to be hated, she was surrounded by love. Though she might have taken it for granted when she was younger, things have changed, she’s changed and maybe she’ll be forgiven._
> 
> _Maybe._
> 
> _That’s an unbalanced word, Aja didn’t like unbalanced words because of their uncertainty. She wasn’t certain she’d be forgiven for leaving, she wasn’t certain she’d be capable of apologizing to all the people she has to apologize to just because she’s going back to Quincy after four years of college and not coming home for any break or even the summer. She needed time away, Aja needed to find herself without the influence of her crazy family and people she thought were her friends._
> 
> _So Aja found herself and she found her purpose and she hoped to prosper with it all but she felt this emptiness once school was over and she started working. Aja missed her parents and cousins and sitting in the tree house she shared with Bear Michaels, his house piggybacked on Aja’s growing up and even though he was a year older than her, he always had her back and was the best friend she could have asked for._

“What are you doing?” Clarke heard snapping her out of her zone, looking up to find Bellamy standing in the doorway with a bouquet of flowers.

Clarke closed the composition book and placed it in the drawer with the bible. “Who are those for?” she smiled, who doesn’t like flowers? But this also wasn't a typical Bellamy move. He's never brought her flowers before.

“I sleep in a queen sized bed, right? Now, I got used to sleeping with this gorgeous blonde woman years ago and she left to fix herself and I couldn’t sleep unless it was out on the couch or literally anywhere but this bed that was only comfortable with her by my side. Then my son was brought into the world and I love him more than anything, falling asleep in a big leather recliner with him in my arms as I fed him his nightly bottle, if I was lucky. Then he was three and I knew he couldn’t sleep with me anymore, he couldn’t be dependent on me or anyone else to keep him safe aside from checking in the closet and under the bed for monsters. He was my safe little boy, my savior. I would have gone crazy without him so once that happened and he was spending more nights with his aunts or grandparents, I needed a warm body, someone to curl up with at night.”

Bellamy placed the bouquet on the table and sat in the chair next to Clarke. “I’m not proud of what I did, Clarke, I was married to you and you had my heart, you left it shattered for six years. It felt like I was dying every day and I hated it, I needed to feel something else and Gina was the closest. I’m trying to say I miss you, you being in here isn’t the same as you being home where I can sleep every night knowing you haven’t left me.”

“Bellamy, I’m not going anywhere, I learned my lesson, I’m better. Yeah, sometimes I want to drink because of something shitty that happened but I don’t, not that I would with the babies, I couldn’t risk their lives like that.”

“You promise you’re not going anywhere.”

The vulnerability in his eyes tugged on Clarke's heart. She was so far gone for this man, she couldn't put it into words. If she'd never met him she would be half the person she is, he's helped mold her and shape her into the person she is today and hoped he felt the same towards her. She could never leave him again, no matter what, she'd never leave him. “I promise, though the next time you tell me you miss me, maybe don’t bring up your adulterous girlfriend,” she smiled, squeezing his hand.

“Sounds like a plan,” he smiled back, kissing her knuckles, pressing a trail of kisses up Clarke’s arm and shoulder, to her neck and jaw before placing a final heated kiss on her lips. “You okay with me staying here tonight? I cleared it with the nurses and your mom.”

“Of course, I miss you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter on it's way... gah!!!! I'm nervous and excited, you have no idea!
> 
> I'm also crying like a baby over this story coming to a close and because I've missed the premiere of episode 410 and I know it was hellagood, I'm refusing to go on any social media until I see it on the flight back home after my interview tomorrow!


	20. Bound to You (Ad Finem)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ad Finem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the end. I was going to wait until Wednesday to post this but I decided that I couldn't wait.
> 
> Needless to say, I love Bellarke.
> 
> Also it's the last chapter and I JUST realized that I only had Murphy in here like once... what?
> 
> Happy reading!

**June 20, 2017**

 

> _Aja was beyond nervous, she didn’t know what to do or say to anyone, she wasn't the same as when she left, she didn't want to go back to that person. Stalling, she pulled her rental car over and walked into the little coffee shop with a tree house depicted on the sign above the door, no other words giving away what the shop was except for the painting on the window of a steaming cup of coffee, soft iridescent wafts of steam streaming, twisting and pulling through the air like a dance, the painting of a cup of coffee made Aja yearn for something lost long ago, something she couldn’t put a name to. Some nostalgic memory she couldn’t place or remember._
> 
> _The inside of the shop had the feel of a tree house, wooden slats on all the walls, beanbags for chairs and old wooden fishing crates pushed together to make tables and haphazardly stacked together against a wall as a bookshelf, Aja knew she would have hung out here as a teenager._
> 
> _Taking the two steps up to the main floor, the tree house theme still stayed but it felt more mature, like the entry was for teenagers and this was for adults. There was a bar against one wall with outlets for people to work or charge their phone. Booths that still had that rustic feel and chairs that were carved out of tree stumps or made from fishing crates. Aja was amazed._
> 
> _Standing in the short line, she gawked at the pastries in the display case. They all looked so good and she wanted to try them all, she was so distracted by the pastries that when it was her turn to order, she hadn’t even checked the menu._
> 
> _“I got her, Jackie,” Aja heard in a rather familiar voice, which shouldn’t happen after being away for six years. She looked at where the voice came from and came face to face with Bear Michaels._
> 
> _He looked good, scratch that, he looked_ great! _Gained a lot of muscle since high school, his shoulders were still broad and his dark hair was disheveled, he’d finally thrown out the hair gel. He had tattoos, they were hidden under the sleeve of his too tight black t-shirt, but they were most definitely there._
> 
> _“Take a seat, I’ll bring it over,” he nodded to a table in the corner with a laptop and coffee sitting alone, probably his._
> 
> _“I didn’t order.”_
> 
> _“Iced mocha latte with skim milk and four sugars.”_
> 
> _“Three shots of espresso, quarter teaspoon of cayenne,” Aja countered and the shocked expression on his face was everything she’d hoped it would be._
> 
> _“Look who’s finally grown up,” he turned and started making her coffee._
> 
> _Aja walked over to the table Bear nodded to and sat across from the laptop and pulled out her phone looking to see if she had any new emails from work. Nothing. Good, everything should be on schedule and Ramsey has nothing to complain about._
> 
> _“Some of us thought you died,” Bear said, sitting down. Aja forgot how raspy his voice was, even when they were kids, his voice was dark and deep and when all the boys in middle school was dealing with their voice cracking, he didn’t, it just got deeper and sexy. Aja didn’t appreciate it then but being away for six years definitely…_

“This guy is Bellamy,” Miller commented with a smirk.

“What? No.”

“Uh, yeah, you haven’t mentioned the freckles yet, but it’s Bellamy through and through. And it’s nearly identical to you coming home back in September, but a coffee shop instead of a bar and it’s a memory of their favorite thing together as children whereas the bar is a shit memory with shit stories.”

“I like the bar just fine. Yes, I hate what happened with Maya, I wish I never drank that much or fought with Bellamy and ran out, but it happened and I can’t take it back. It was the worst night of my life but I don’t blame the Dropship.”

“I would.”

“Miller, it’s a place, it had no part in my response to everything that happened. Will you focus on the story?”

“I think it’ll be a good read, people will like it, but you only have one chapter.”

“One is better than none, have you heard back from publishers?”

“They’re lowballing, I’m an unknown name and they don’t like risks.”

“’They’,” Clarke smirked. “You have offers though?”

“Yeah, some don’t like some parts of the story, but they’re not supposed to be easy reads. You’re supposed to struggle reading it while he gets tortured.”

“Don’t give away the story, I want to read it, buy my own copy.”

“You guys get one for free. Straight from the warehouse. I just hope none of my students read it until after they graduate.”

“Would they?”

“If they’re interested or they heard about it, yeah, kids are weird. I’m not going to promote it in my classroom though. It’s horrific.”

“Hey, Miller,” Clarke said and Miller looked up from the composition notebook. “Thank you.”

“For what?” he grimaced.

“Being here for them.”

“I would have been here whether you were here or not, you don’t have to thank me.”

“I do, if he didn’t have you, I don’t know what would have happened.”

Miller nodded and Clarke knew that their moving was going to have a harder impact on their friends than they intended.

* * *

**June 25, 2017**

“Hey,” Raven smiled, walking into the room with a grocery bag in hand and Jake’s backpack on her shoulder.

“What’s that?”

“Makeup, Jackson has your son, with Miller, they’ve become fast friends since Miller’s been visiting more than anyone lately,” Raven said pointedly but Clarke won’t tell anyone about the story, she doesn’t know how people are going to take it. “He’s a good guy, I’d trust Jake with him,” Clarke said, not denying that Miller has been the one to come by the most, but only because Clarke has never written a story before and needs some guidance.

“He’s here a lot though.”

“Yeah, he comes for Bellamy. Why makeup?”

“Date night.”

“Date night. In a hospital bed?”

“Yes, you’re going to dress up and eat a delicious meal and make out with your husband. You’re going to have a good night with him and be happy.”

“I’m locked in a hospital, I’m not going to be happy until I sleep in my own bed again.”

“You’re not going to be happy once your babies are born?”

“I hate you.”

Raven smiled, “Only because you know I’m right.”

“Yeah, shut up.”

Raven chuckled, dropping the contents of the bag in Clarke’s lap before sitting on the side of the bed and began painting Clarke’s face.

After a few struggles and Clarke caving in to Raven insisting on perfume and Clarke changing into a dress (seriously? While on bed rest and looking like a beached whale?), she left and ten minutes later Bellamy walked in wearing a suit with a take-out bag from _Simple_ in his hands.

“You know how corny this is?” Clarke smirked at him.

Bellamy rolled his eyes and kissed her deeply, not leaving any doubts that Clarke could possibly have about his love for her. “I’m well aware, but I thought that maybe we deserve this before the girls are born. You and me, a quiet night just us.”

“I’m not saying it’s not perfect, just all the glam and… how the hell am I going to get out of this dress? I should have just stayed in my hospital gown while you look all dapper and panty dropping over there in your suit. It isn’t fair.”

“Did you just say panty dropping?” he asked, holding back a laugh.

“I did," she said wiggling her eyebrows at him, she feels good today, though starving. "Bell, I’m starving.”

“That is good, because I am too.”

“What’d you get me?”

Bellamy pulled out a foam container, passing it to her. “Meatball hero, you said something about them yesterday to Miller.”

He pulled out a second container and placed it on the bed table next to hers and threw the bag in the garbage.

“Did I?” Clarke grimaced, knowing Miller and Bellamy talked everyday, but hoped that they didn't discuss what Miller was doing there with her.

“Yeah, I have something to be jealous about?”

“With _Miller_? Sure, we’re having a torrid affair,” she said with her mouth full, so happy with the meatball hero she shoved in her mouth.

“I knew it! You two are going to have very cute babies together.”

“Not as cute as ours,” Clarke smiled excitedly.

“Our son is cute, it’s up in the air with the girls right now.”

“Screw you, we’ll be lucky if they’re as beautiful as Octavia.”

“I was thinking as beautiful as you. You’re gorgeous.”

“That’s because Raven spent a half hour doing me up, I’m a beached whale.”

“The prettiest beached whale in the history of beached whales. And don’t you dare get mad at me for saying that because I’m just repeating your words.”

Clarke laughed, “Fuck you!”

“Please, please! Four months couldn’t be over soon enough, I miss sex.”

“You do realize that I was celibate for six years and then when I did finally have sex again, I wound up pregnant with _twins_? You’re not getting anything from me from here on out if you don’t wrap it.”

* * *

**June 28, 2017**

“I need you to do something for me,” Clarke said and Roan grimaced. He hates hospitals because of his mom but this is Clarke, he'll suffer through anything for her.

“Anything.”

“Stick around, make sure Bellamy’s okay.”

“Clarke…”

“I just—I feel like something is wrong. Dr. Tsing hasn't seen anything, she's done all the tests she can but I just feel like something bad is going to happen and I just need to know that he won't be alone in this. That Jake doesn't feel like his sisters are his responsibility. He's only a kid, he should live like a kid, not worrying about raising his sisters.”

“Please don't talk like this, Clarke, everything is going to be fine.”

“Y—yeah, could you do something else for me?”

“What?”

“Ontari, get her to read Miller’s book, I know once someone reads it, it'll get published.”

“Okay, anything else?”

“Help him and Monty adopt. They need a kid running around, they can't keep stealing mine. And Raven, you love her?”

“Yes,” he said with out hesitation and Clarke smiled.

“Marry her and give her whatever she wants, she's been through hell and deserves everything.”

“I was planning on it.”

“And Jasper Jordan, somewhere in Colorado, find him and tell him I was a coward and he was always my favorite and I'm sorry for my part in Maya’s death.”

“Clarke, it's like you're saying goodbye.”

“I'm not planning on anything, Roan, I just… something feels off and I need you to do that for me because I'm why they're not who they should be. My drama and my bullshit pushed everyone off their paths to greatness and I need your help to get them where they should be.”

“Not everyone is meant to do great thing, Clarke.”

“They are. You already have and you will continue, they need to know that there’s more to them then they think.”

“Yeah, yeah, I will.”

Clarke sighed, “Thank you, Roan.”

* * *

“Roan told me you sent him on a mission.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at her mother sitting across from her. “Is nothing sacred anymore?”

“No, nothing,” Abby smiled and Clarke took a bite of the salad she brought from the cafeteria. “What’s going on, Clarke?”

“According to Dr. Tsing, nothing, but I feel like there’s an ax propped above my head ready and waiting to take me out.”

“Ominous.”

“Yeah, and it makes me want to tie up loose ends, speaking of which, could you ask Marcus here for me?”

Abby stopped chewing and put her fork down slowly, “You want Marcus?”

“My child’s grandfather, yes,” she said, not hiding her annoyance.

“You have nothing to say to me?”

“Nope.”

“Really?”

“What’s the point if it’s going to induce labor?”

Abby sighed, “Clarke—“

“All I’d say is that dad is your fault and I don’t want to talk about it because you’re not going to change. You went and married his best friend, that’s pretty low. So no, I don’t want to talk about it, Abby.”

“Fine,” she said, packing her lunch up and headed to the door. “I love you Clarke, no matter what. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will always love you.”

* * *

**July 4, 2017**

 

> _“They hate me,” Aja sighed, collapsing in the chair across from Bear who was working on his laptop._
> 
> _“They don't know you,” he said simply without even looking up._
> 
> _“It's not like I'm a completely different person, I'm still me just not a pushover or—“_
> 
> _“They don't know you, Aja. I don't know you. I really don't know why you're here.”_
> 
> _“Bear—“_
> 
> _“I'm working, what?”_
> 
> _“You think you don't know me?”_
> 
> _“You're not the girl I came home to every weekend.” The insinuation in his words was more than Aja could comprehend, that he came back to her, that he didn't date anyone his freshman year of college because of her. How could he say that when he never made a move? Never made it clear that he wanted more with her than their friendship?_
> 
> _“What is that supposed to mean?”_
> 
> _“Long distance sucks and I didn't want to put us through that and then you left.”_
> 
> _“You never said… you never made it seem like you wanted to be more than friends, what was I supposed to do? Go to BU where I didn't want to go because the guy I liked who didn't like me was there? Jesus, Bear, you can't put it all on me.”_
> 
> _The look on he gave her was futile, of course he could blame her. He did, but how was she supposed to know how he felt if he kept her at arms’ length?_

“I always seem to be catching you writing in that journal, should I ask?” Bellamy asked stepping into the room.

Clarke closed the book and placed it in the drawer all with a smile on her face, she loves this man, she will always love this man, so much. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I didn’t know I needed permission to visit my wife.”

“You do, this isn’t your turn.” She couldn’t keep a straight face, she’ll always be happy to see him, even when she’s mad at him for calling her a beached whale.

“You’re losing your touch, Princess, should I get you sarcasm lessons once you’re out.”

“I’m sure my shit sense of humor is due to my lack of teenage interaction, I miss teaching. I never thought I’d say that.”

Bellamy smiled, “Are you sure about this? You don’t have to stay home with them all year.”

“I do, I’m they’re mom.”

“So when are you going to tell me what you’re always writing about?”

“It’s nothing really, just an idea Miller is helping me with.”

“Miller?”

“Yep, it’s why he’s always—“ Clarke felt a pressure before a sudden release and she felt all the blood rush out of her face and Bellamy’s shocked expression attested to what she already knew, she was white as a sheet and her water just broke. “Call Dr. Tsing and get a nurse. My water just broke.”

“You’re not due for six more weeks.”

“I fucking know that, it happened and I can’t change it. The babies are coming.”

* * *

**July 5, 2017**

Marcus was nervous and excited, his stepdaughter was in labor but she hasn’t tried to get to know him or any other part of her mother’s life since she dropped back into town. He loves what he knows about her, which isn’t much. After she was born, he and Jake stopped going to the bar like they used to, just barbeques or birthday parties. When he passed, Marcus never imagined falling for his best friend’s wife but she needed someone and kept calling Marcus. Falling for Abby was the most complicated, best thing to ever happen to him.

He sat in the waiting room next to Abby, Jake asleep on her lap. Clarke doesn’t want her in the room, they’re not close and Marcus couldn’t blame Clarke for being mad. If he were in her shoes, he’d be furious, but he wasn’t and he hated seeing how much Clarke’s pain and anger hurts his Abby.

“She’s asking for you,” Bellamy grumbled, stepping into the waiting room, his eyes on Marcus.

“Why?” Octavia questioned, stroking Mel’s hair as the toddler slept in her lap.

“She asked for me last week and I’ve been busy but meaning to come by,” Marcus said standing, giving Bellamy his seat.

“Marcus…” Abby said when he was at the door.

“I’ll tell her,” he said and headed out of the room and down the hall to Clarke’s delivery room.

“Clarke?”

She smiled, a little pained, “Hi.”

“What’s going on?”

“Thank you.”

“What?”

“Thank you, I—I know I haven’t tried to get to know you or even spend time with my mother, but I want you to know that I appreciate you. That you take care of her and that you gave Jake a grandfather and I never thought about how not having one would be for him, but seeing you with him I realized how easily it would be for him to realize that his parents weren’t normal. His father didn’t have an easy childhood, raising his sister, all they had was their mom who worked to keep the house together only to die of pneumonia just after he turned eighteen and took care of her. Jesus, you know this already, I’m not good at this, I just…thank you.”

“Of course, Clarke. I would never expect you to see me as your father, you’re much too old for that and your father was a great man. Every time I saw him, he wouldn’t stop talking about how great you’ll be. He’s right, you had a detour, but you came back and you’re doing great for yourself. He’d be proud of you.”

“Thank you. I hope you’re right.”

* * *

Bellamy's hand was in a vice grip, Clarke squeezed tightly as she pushed to get their first daughter out of her. She had a thing for a natural birth even with all the risks, she didn't want to be cut open because there was more risk in that. He loved how serious she took it all. All the research she did on top of her one year stint at medical school. He loved her and wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else. This woman in front of him, drenched in sweat and cursing like crazy, certainly not breathing correctly, but he could look past it, was the strongest, most beautiful and smart person he could have ever have hoped to fall in love with.

"One more push, Clarke. A big push," Dr. Tsing said softly, not pushing her but giving her a sense of hope that it'll all be over soon.

Clarke heaved and squeezed Bellamy's hand tighter before belting out a piercing scream Bellamy was sure everyone on the entire floor heard her.

"Good, keep going Clarke, the head is out, you're doing great."

The moment the baby was out and Dr. Tsing declared it a girl, Clarke's hand fell from Bellamy's and she sighed. Bellamy was ecstatic, he had a daughter and another on the way until he looked over at his amazing wife, she was spent, she couldn't go again and there was something else, something with her wasn't right.

"Dr. Tsing..." he said warily, his eyes never leaving Clarke's face.

"Shit, go get Dr. Griffin. Bellamy, what's she doing?"

"I don't... Clarke? Princess?" Somehow the erratic beeping of the heart monitor didn't register until that moment. Nothing was registering to Bellamy, the nurse preforming CPR on Clarke's chest, the air bag being pumped over her mouth. He didn't see any of it, just the cool blue of her eyes locked onto his they were still. Too still.

"Bellamy, this is unconventional but she isn't responding and we need to get your baby out. Dr. Griffin shouldn't be in here but she's the closest doctor we have to help me. She is going to come in and she's going to preform CPR. I don't want you in this room but you're the father and you can stay for the birth or leave it's your choice but it's going to get rough and we're going to try to get her back. There's going to be blood and won't want to see it.

Abby stormed through the door with the yellow smock tied around her. "Get him out of here," she said to the nurses but Bellamy held his ground.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Bellamy, please, she's my daughter, you think I'm going to let anything happen to her? You shouldn't see any of this."

"Abby, I am staying."

She nodded and got to work.

It was the longest Bellamy has gone without doing anything, just staring at his wife, hoping for some sort of response. He heard the baby cry but that was it, he stood there waiting for Clarke to come back to him, to them but she wasn't...

He stormed out of the room and crashed against the opposite wall and screamed, he doesn't want any of it if it comes without her. He needs her, he can't go on without her.

He pounded his fist into the wall screaming until his lungs couldn't hold out and all he saw was white.

White.

White lace billowing over her curves from her chest, pluming at her waist into a full skirt. The best day of his life, marrying his bride to love and to cherish _til death do us part._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Yell at me, I know you want to.
> 
> So I'm a bona fide asshole where I spent a week teasing an Epilogue. There is going to be one, but it's a birthday present so it will be out in July. That and I've been crying writing it and editing it so... yeah :)
> 
> Also if you want to keep updated on the epilogue while it's in the works, here's a link because I'm working on it on a train atm and yeah, I'm stuck on a train to New York... [Forgiveness is a Funny Word for When I'm Coming Home](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/post/161108193619/forgiveness-is-a-funny-word-for-when-im-coming)


	21. Follow Your Heart (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things, firstly, Happy Birthday to my always lovely best friend, Juls. She's the bestest friend I could have asked for, always pushing me and striving for me to finish this, telling me that it "can't end with such a fucking major cliffhanger!" Seriously, that's the text she sent me when she read the last chapter (I laughed maniacally)  
> Secondly, I cried like a baby when I wrote this and every time I went back to edit it. Seriously, grab the tissues folks.  
> Thirdly, I stepped away from everything for about a month so I could clear my head and work on a personal project of mine that I really felt a connection to and I'm going to continue it because I'm loving it so much. While I'm doing that I'm going to continue writing Bellarke ff and if you want to send me prompts,  
> I'm willing and able :)

**April 29, 2022**

“Kids, come on! You’re going to be late to school and if you’re late, I’m late!” Bellamy called, they didn’t know him being late was a bad thing, his students would love it if he was more than fifteen minutes late, they don’t have class, but so far, Bellamy has never been late and he doesn’t plan to be as long as his devil children get their butts in the kitchen to get their lunches.

“Dad,” Jake said sauntering in like he owned the place.

“Son,” Bellamy mocked.

“Can I have lunch money?”

“I packed you a lunch.”

“I know, but it’s taco day and they have the best tacos besides Taco Bell.”

“When have you ever been to Taco Bell?”

“Mason’s dad takes us there all the time on the way home from practice.”

“Do you know how bad that stuff is for you? Your mother would kill you if she knew.”

“She never will,” he said grimly, grabbing his bag and walked out of the kitchen.

Bellamy sighed, he didn't have time to deal with that. “Girls! Come on! We’re going to be late!”

“Daddy, Stella pulled my braid out!” Julia ran into the room, her blonde hair looking crazier than usual, reminding him of her mother’s blonde hair, missing his fierce princess.

“Don’t worry baby, I got you covered.” He combed his fingers through her hair and began French braiding it again. “Stella Aja! Honey, you have to go to school. You don’t go to school, the gremlins come to put you to work. Kids can’t stay home alone!”

He heard the patter of little feet flying down the stairs and Bellamy came face to face with Octavia’s doppelgänger as he braided Julia’s blonde hair. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched warily as Bellamy finished Julia’s hair before looking up at her skeptically.

She toed her shoe into the tile floor and Bellamy waited for her to say what she knows she has to.

“I’m sorry for pulling your hair,” she said and though she didn’t sound fully sorry, they didn’t have time for Bellamy to push the issue.

“Thank you,” he told her before picking up Julia and carrying her on his hip. “Grab your lunch and backpack, we’re late. Jake is in the car.”

The car ride was quiet, Jake was mad at Bellamy and Julia was mad at Stella. It wasn’t the worst morning they could have had, he remembered the girls’ first day of kindergarten, they were all an hour late to school that day. He laughed at the memory, grateful for Gaia, the best nanny he could ask for.

* * *

Bellamy spent his entire office hour explaining to Ilian the differences between Roman mythology and Greek mythology. Considering Roman mythology is mainly based off of Greek mythology, giving deities different names with an Etruscan twist, they’re completely different. The whole endeavor tired him out and he didn’t want to teach his last class, just wanted to get home to his kids.

Walking through the door at a quarter to six like he does every day, waiting for Stella to come running down the hall to attack him with one of her fierce little people hugs but it never came. Dropping his coat and briefcase on the bench Clarke insisted on from her hospital bed all those years ago.

He walked into the kitchen finding Jake hunched over his homework at the table and Gaia stood between his daughters, kneeling on stools at the island avidly watching her kneading something in a large bowl. “What’s going on here?” he asked kissing Stella’s head before doing the same to Julia and ruffing Jake’s messy curls.

Jake waved him off as Gaia answered, “Making pizza dough. It has to rise for thirty minutes before we make anything resembling a pizza. We lost track of time so dinner is going to be late.”

“Sounds perfect. I had a late lunch.”

Gaia nodded, “Laundry is folded and put away, and yours is on your bed. Mail is sorted into their appropriate folders and Jake has something to tell you but he won’t if you don’t push him.”

“He’s in trouble at school? He’s been acting up since Abby left two weeks ago. I just—I don’t understand him,” Bellamy sighed, looking over at his son who was still hunched over a textbook with headphones in his ears.

“Girls, go pick out pajamas and meet me in the bathroom, okay?” she said and the girls giggle as they jump off their chairs and run down the hall and up the stairs. “He has a lot of his mother in him, but I also see a lot of you.”

“That would explain why he’s acting out, when we were his age we were volatile.”

“How old were you?”

“Fifteen maybe sixteen,” Bellamy shrugged.

“You were pathetic over her as a teenager, no wonder!” Gaia exclaimed, drawing Jake out of his zone, furrowing his brow at them. “I’m going to clean the little princesses. You two talk,” she patted Bellamy’s shoulder as she walked around him to go meet the twins in the upstairs bathroom.

Bellamy took a seat next to his son and looked at him skeptically, “You have something to tell me.”

“Three days of in school suspension.”

“For?”

“I didn’t like the blank white wall in the cafeteria and did something about it.”

“Jake, I know you miss her. I miss her too, but missing her doesn’t give you a free pass to paint the cafeteria walls without permission.”

“I know, I saw a blank canvas and the next thing I knew I had a whole mural done and Principal Bingham was dragging me to his office. Using other students’ lunches didn’t help my case.”

“Your mom did something like that in high school, but it had a message and she used actual paints,” Bellamy told his son, trying not to smirk at his son's creativity.

“Miller told me she had a reward system in her classroom in Arkadia, she drew a mural the week before class started and did a paint by numbers thing with each class. Chose a different student each day to pick a number and color out of coffee cans and they spent the last five minutes of class painting that number on the mural.”

Bellamy smiled, he remembered packing her classroom up, painting the wall back to white with Harper and Miller, they got a picture for her, it's in one of the many photo albums in the living room. Has the cards her students sent, pressed some of the flowers they sent her in the hospital. His Clarke's well loved. “She always made people comfortable whenever she was around.”

“You weren’t.”

“I fell in love with her when I was a kid, I was scared. Mostly I was afraid she wouldn’t love me back.”

“She did.”

Bellamy smiled softly, “I got lucky. She brought me you and your sisters. I wouldn’t take any of it back. You guys are my life. You might infuriate me with in school suspensions and painting the walls with spaghetti but I will always love you.”

* * *

That night Bellamy read Cinderella to his little princesses before bed, stopping when they were both asleep. He loved them, loved their innocence and didn’t want to watch them to lose it like he did with Jake. He was too young when he lost it, watching Bellamy scream and curse in the middle of a hospital hallway while covered in his mother’s blood after getting kicked out of the delivery room, believing his wife was dead. The heart monitor’s steady line and monotonous tone piercing his eardrums as he stared into her cold blue unresponsive eyes.

They couldn’t lose their innocence.

Bellamy fell asleep with the thought souring his brain. Feeling more content than he has in ages.

He felt something on his back, he was one of those people that didn’t move when he woke up and Clarke hated it because she never knew. The soft fingers gliding between his shoulder blades nearly made him sigh with relief, grateful it wasn’t one of the twins with a bad dream. He couldn’t handle that right now.

“Hey baby,” he said rolling over, her hand moved to his chest.

“Go back to sleep,” she murmured, kissing his collarbone before resting her head on his shoulder.

“I thought you were one of the girls.”

“Do you want me to get one of them?” she teased and he couldn’t believe how much he missed this. Her.

“No,” Bellamy smiled. “You’re better. You don’t kick me in your sleep.”

She chuckled, “Shut up! That’s what won you over, huh? Not my coruscant personality?”

“Mm, go to sleep.”

“God, you’re an asshole,” she mused and Bellamy knew she was smiling.

“Shh, I missed you.”

“I missed you. So if you’re not going to go back to sleep, at least tell me what I missed.”

“Stella’s been pulling Julia’s hair. I talk to her about it but she doesn’t listen to me, she’s literally Octavia.”

“So Julia is like you, Stella is like Octavia and Jake is like me,” she mused and Bellamy knew that she didn’t know just how much like her he really is, he hasn’t told her yet. “All we’re missing is a Raven and a Miller and our family is complete.”

“You’re too much,” he scoffed.

“I know.” He felt her twist in his arms before placing her chin on his shoulder and he looked down at her. “I’ve been thinking and I want to have a baby.”

Bellamy sighed, not expecting it. Not now, a few years ago he did a little and he even wanted one but last time... he didn’t know if he could go through it again.

“Clarke,” he sighed.

“I’m scared too, okay? I am. When Nate and I were in Philly I saw a specialist, Dr. Nyko and he said that I could if we wanted. IVF if you want to make sure it’s just one baby and not twins, less risk, you know. I—“

“I can’t lose you again. I lost you for six years. Then six minutes and six weeks. Baby, you just got back from a six month book tour. I can barely go six hours without seeing you and you’ve been gone six months, am I not allowed to hold onto my wife for a while?”

“How will you do that without a TA?” Clarke teased. He knows he should get one but he didn’t like handing over his responsibilities to someone with less experience.

“Okay, I’ll look in August once the applications are in.”

“You know I love you?”

“You know I haven’t kissed you since Christmas?”

“Too bad I’m not really here,” she smirked and Bellamy sighed. “Yeah, too bad,” he grimaced, rolling over, his back to her.

There was a moment of stillness that made Bellamy wonder if he _was_ dreaming her, that she wasn’t in bed with him. That she’s been a dream for years and he couldn’t leave the memory of her behind in Arkadia.

But she yanked him back onto his back again and straddled him. “Bellamy Blake, you’re going to kiss me and fuck me right now because it’s been six months too long. And in the morning, I’m going to kill Miller for separating us for so long.”

Bellamy chuckled knowing she would if she didn’t love their friend just as much as he did before reaching up and kissing his beautiful wife for the first time in six months because of a damn book tour. “Never leave me again, Princess,” he mumbled, pulling her dress up over her head before burning the image of her impeccable breasts in his brain, just in case anything ever happened.

They’ve gone through enough shit in their lives, they didn’t need anything else to happen to them.

* * *

**May 21, 2034**

Jacob Blake graduated from UC Davis. He didn't think the day would come. It took him five years but he did it and it was the happiest day of his life. He swore it from top to bottom that it had nothing to do with Marisol Iceman hugging him, really, it didn't.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his face buried in her thick wavy hair.

“I finished school last week. Mom and Dad live forty five minutes away and I thought… I don't know, I'd come visit you.”

“’Mom and Dad’?”

“I caved. I was mad but it's stupid, if they didn't adopt me I'd probably be a drug mule or dead by now. I'm thankful.”

Jake smirked at the fiery girl that was just like her mother, his Aunt Raven, it was crazy, but she does have some Uncle Roan in her too. When the hell did she get so beautiful?

“Come on, Mom’s going to freak out when she sees you here,” he smiled at her.

“Jake, I—“ she sighed, looking at the ground. “I missed you.”

His heart swelled in a way it never had before, Marisol missed him. He took her hand in his, their fingers twining together. “I missed you too. You know, I want to stay here and catch up with you but—“

“I'm crashing your graduation and your whole family is here. I'm sorry, I just wanted to see you.”

“Oh, you're definitely coming with me, I'm not letting you go that easy. They've missed you too.”

She smiled, her eyes so bright, how the hell did he miss her all these years? How didn't he notice that being around her softened the sharp edges of this harsh world?

_“Jake, I have someone I want you to meet, she's scared and needs a friend to play with and your sisters are too small. Could you play with her for me?” Aunt Raven asked him._

_“I'm nice, Aunt Ray, I can play.”_

_“I know, sweetheart. She's seven, your sisters are four, I think you'll be good for her. Her name is Marisol and is clinging for her life onto Uncle Roan, go introduce yourself.”_

_A ten year old Jake ran down the hall into the kitchen and smiled at his Uncle Roan. “Hi,” he smiled up at Roan and the girl in his arms. “I'm Jake.”_

_Roan bent down and placed Marisol on the ground and Marisol looked at him warily before looking to Roan who nodded. “Marisol.”_

When they met up with the rest of the Griffin-Blake clan, Mom’s eyes were wet and Dad was trying to keep a wayward Leo from running to the library and holding himself in a corner surrounded by as many books as he could find. The one most like Dad. Julia’s her own entity entirely now, they don't know who she's more like. Not the little girl that cried to her father when Stella pulled her hair out but not one to fight back against an opposing force like she'll overcome the challenge in the least obvious way possible. She was an amazing force of nature.

Mom hugged Jake as the twins and Leo attacked Marisol after a cacophony of “Congratulations” thrown in Jake's general direction and Dad stood back watching his family acting like crazed fools.

Marisol’s hand slipped from his and the world dulled slightly and his father smirked at him, his knowing smirk. It was scary how even after five years, Jake knew the difference between his father’s smirks.

“Stop hogging him, Mom!” Julia exclaimed, squeezing between them and hugged Jake. “Vancouver,” she whispered into his ear and he smiled widely, it's been their little secret, her plan after high school, graduating in three weeks, she got an agent in January and though she has to wait until she's eighteen to start going to auditions, which was two weeks after graduating.

“You're sure about this?”

“As sure as you are about Marisol.”

“Am I that obvious?”

“Only to me and maybe Dad. She's always asking about you so I'm sure she'd be over the moon if you asked her out.”

“Columbia,” he grimaced.

“Julia, I swear if you don't share him…” Stella threatened and Julia pulled away from him giving him the look that they'll talk later. As Stella and Leo barreled into him at the same time.

“You guys are such saps, let me go!” Jake complained, secretly loving it. He missed his family, they were full of love and happiness. He wouldn't take them back for the world. He looked at Marisol, the fond smile on her face as she watched them hug.

“Can I see Dad now? He's supposed to give me some words of wisdom, this is a milestone, you'll get yours when it's your turn,” he said ruffling Leo’s shaggy blonde hair.

Stella released him and grabbed Marisol, pulling her along towards the restaurant. Mom and Julia rolled their eyes and followed, Mom calling for Leo who tried sneaking off to the library, probably for the hundredth time today.

Bellamy hugged his eldest child, “You really want words of wisdom? What I've learned in my forty-seven years of life?”

“Yes, Dad," Jake rolled his eyes.

“Are you sure? It's pretty life altering.”

“Dad, come on, you're not funny. You know you're not so please, because I have no idea what to do.”

“Follow your heart.”

“Dad,” Jake scoffed.

“I'm serious, Jake. I wouldn't have you or Leo or your sisters. I regret letting you see how furious I was with your mother when you were so young, I fear it made you skeptical about letting love in. I think seeing how devastated I was when I thought she left us didn't help that either. Love is… it's different for everyone and each form is beautiful and unique. Your mother and I are timeless and volatile and I hope you're that lucky. I hope that when you find someone who makes the world brighter and easier to navigate, that she's your forever. I want you to have a forever.”

Jake looked ahead of them and their enlightening conversation and watched how Marisol acted with the rest of his family. How she just _fit_ with them, how she made sure they were all included in the conversation and chuckled at one of Leo’s bad jokes like it was actually funny, how her smile lit up the whole sidewalk in doing so.

“Marisol, huh?” Dad asked with that knowing smirk.

“I don't know, I just saw her here and everything… shifted. Is that normal? Shouldn't it have happened before?”

“No, you're just ready to see it. Love is strange and unexpected but it also knows you better than you know yourself.”

“I've known her thirteen years, Dad. Why did I just start feeling this?”

“Maybe you're destined to live in New York, maybe there's some part of you that you haven't found and it needs to come to the surface. Whatever the reason, no matter the outcome, bite the bullet because you will regret it. And a life full of regrets isn't a life worth remembering.”

“You know you're telling me to stay here for the summer and move to New York in August, right?”

“Jake, I have spent twenty-three years worrying about you. I have so much faith that you are going to live the best life you possibly can, I just wish you'd stop talking to me and fucking dive in already.”

Jake laughed, “Come on then! You're going to hate this place, by the way.”

Dad laughed, “I hate every place so my standards were already low.”

Jake ran up behind his family and lifted Stella in the air, scaring the crap out of her (worth it). Everyone laughed as Dad caught up to them, pulling Mom close and kissed her temple. Jake smiled, happy his parents worked themselves out, they deserve happiness.

They continued walking to the restaurant Jake picked out for their celebration dinner. He took Marisol’s hand in his again and smiled when she looked over at him nervously.

“You think Roan would be okay with me staying with you guys for the summer?”

“I'm sure he’d be ecstatic, you might have to intern with him though.”

“As long as he hires me in New York in August, I'm totally okay with that.”

“New York?”

“Yeah, there’s this incredible, brilliant, beautiful girl that studies architecture at Columbia that I can’t get out of my head. I’m hoping to properly ask her out when my family isn't around.”

“Your family is staying at my house all week. You might as well ask me now because they already know. It's creepy how they know since you started looking at me like that for the first time today.”

“Mar, I—“

“It's okay, Jake.”

“No, I wasn't ready. I'm not ready because I'm still a mess over my childhood. I couldn't bring someone into that but you already know everything and that is definitely not the reason I want to be with you.”

Marisol stopped walking, her hand slipped from Jake's and he turned back to look at her. “You are not broken or damaged. You watched your parents go through some shit but it was _their_ shit. They needed to go through it and they've been happy for sixteen years. You have your own path to walk and your own love to give,” Marisol cupped his cheek, stepping closer to him, pressing her lips to his. It wasn’t romantic, it was barely a second so there weren’t fireworks or any of that other cheesy crap produced and churned out from Hollywood (sorry, Julia), but he felt a tingle after she pulled away, corny, but it counts and it meant something.

“Mar—“

“Don't. You know I'm right and you know Stella will kick your ass if you break my heart.”

Jake smiled, Stella would kick his ass if he broke Marisol’s heart, so it’s a damn good thing he wants to marry her then. Not caring that his family was walking behind them, Jake pulled Marisol back into him and kissed her properly as her arms wrapped around his neck.

Best graduation ever.

* * *

**February 24, 2041**

“Mom,” Julia breathed, she’s freaking out. She’s so nervous she thinks she’s going to throw up and what do you do when you’re nervous and you feel like throwing up? You call your mom.

“Jem, what’s wrong?” Mom asked nervous, she always knows.

“It’s the Oscars, Mom, I’m not going to win.”

“Relax, Jem, you have such talent, baby. If they don’t see that then screw them, but just remember who you’re up against, right? Some of those women are amazing! Hailee Steinfeld, Lily-Rose Depp, those two other people, they have decades of experience, Julia. So if you don’t win, it doesn’t mean you won’t next year. You just keep working, okay? Remember to follow—“

“’Follow my heart’, I know. Thank you. Is Dad there?”

“No, Leo got arrested for following his heart,” Mom scoffed. “He was asking a girl to prom and his idea for his promposal was illegal. Your father and I agreed long before you were born that if any of you were to be so idiotic to get arrested that he’d be the one to go bail you out because I’d instantly ground you without an explanation where as your father is a big softy and will sympathize, it’s this false sense of security that we’ve given all of you.”

“I’m taking offense to that.”

“Don’t, if anything it says more about us as parents than you guys as kids. I was worried about Stella for a while but it speaks volumes that we didn’t have to use it until now with our last kid that’s graduating high school in four months.”

“Your distraction tactics are spot on but I have to get ready and that whole process is going to be nerve-wracking all in itself.”

Mom sighed, “Okay, Jem, say hi to Iain for us.”

Julia smiled, “I will and please tell Jake and Marisol that they better treat my niece like a queen because I’m coming to get her. We’re going to spend a whole month together before I have to go film in Atlanta.”

* * *

Julia and Iain walked the red carpet together, posing for pictures and quick interviews about their engagement and nervousness and what projects they’re working on next. Julia has a love/hate relationship with this side of the industry but she got to show off her ring and the man who gave it to her. The man she loves, Iain Bierman, her costar on her third feature. He chased after her for months before she gave in, her father’s voice in her head finally breaking through “Follow your heart, my little princess.”

She didn’t win the Oscar, losing to Lily-Rose Depp, but she was happy, happy that Iain won Best Supporting Actor and Original Screenplay Writing, that one was a surprise to them both.

* * *

**September 27, 2044**

“What? No, that can't be right, I’m on birth control. I—I can’t be pregnant,” Stella nearly yelled at her gynecologist.

“Stella, the test is never wrong, we can schedule an ultrasound but I’m certain it’s just going to confirm what I’m telling you.”

“So schedule it! I—fuck, I don’t even know where the father is!” her brain was frantically thinking of all the places he could be. Hong Kong, Jakarta, Cairo, Auckland, Paris, London. He probably has women in every city around the world, not just her (platonically) in Boston. How the hell is she supposed to raise a baby?

“You have options,” Dr. Leonard offered.

“No, I don’t. I have a big family, once they find out and they will find out, they’ll be over the moon and if I say the a-word after that I’m not just the callous black sheep, I’m a heartless bitch that can’t keep a man. Seriously, my mother probably knows already and our family mantra growing up was ‘follow your heart,’ that’s too much pressure. My brother and sister had it easy, it walked in the room for them and smiled. I’m a closet lesbian that’s partly in denial and experimented with her best friend three weeks ago and got pregnant. I don’t even know how long he’s out of town for so I can’t just call him and tell him I’m pregnant with his kid and that I’m not getting an abortion.” Stella sighed, “I have to call him.”

* * *

Stella didn’t call him, at least not right away. No, that first phone call was to Julia.

“Hey, I’m so glad you called, I have something to tell you!” Julia said answering the phone.

“Yeah me too,” she knew her voice cracked, she knew Julia would refrain from commenting about it though, she’s a good sister like that.

“Count of three?” Just like when they were kids.

“Yep, one…”

“Two…”

“Three… I’m pregnant.”

“I’m pregnant,” Julia said a millisecond behind Stella who swore heard her sister’s phone fall to the floor before; “You’re pregnant?”

“You’re pregnant?”

“Stell, I thought…”

“I’m a lesbian too, I just thought I’d lead with the pregnant part.”

“H—how? Is that rude to ask?”

“Marco. I had sex with Marco three weeks ago. We were drunk and talking about how we can’t keep women and got to talking about sex and it turned into him going down on me because he thought he was bad at it. Turns out, he’s better at it than all the women I’ve slept with and I told him that since he got me off three times and he was obviously hard and ready to go that he could fuck me but made it explicitly clear that I like women _a lot_ and it’s a one-time thing. Now it’s a one-time thing with an eighteen year commitment.”

“I’m three weeks too. Did you tell Mom?”

“That I’m gay or pregnant, because no.”

“You do know she’s bisexual? There are pictures of her with her girlfriends in the photo albums you refused to ever look at.”

Stella grimaced, Julia will never know what it’s like, the stigma and looks of disgust, no one in her family will understand. “Lexa? We knew about her, she was at our seventh birthday.”

“I don’t know why you’re acting like we’re going to love you less because of who you are? You pulled my hair for three years and I still love you.”

“We were five.”

“And six and seven.”

“I was jealous that you looked like her and I didn’t.”

“You look like Aunt O, you win,” Julia said, a pinch of jealousy thrown in the statement and it made Stella grimace, all these years of being jealous of what the other has, it’s rather pathetic of them. “Is this what you want, Stella? Do you want a baby?”

“Of course I do.”

“And Marco is your best friend, you know he’ll be a good father.”

Stella nodded, “He will, I just wish it was planned. That we talked about it. I think I’d want it to be him regardless of our relationship statuses. I need to tell him.”

“You do and you need to tell Mom. Wait, did you really call me first?”

“Yes, but I know you called Marisol first.”

“Go call Marco, wake him up if you have to. I promise I won’t tell Mom, but Jake and Marisol are out of my control.”

“How’s Ella and Kenny?”

“They’re good, you should call them, you know. They love their Auntie Stell.”

“Auntie Stell is scared shitless.”

“Auntie Stell needs to buck up and tell her best friend that they’re having a baby together.”

“Fine, I’m hanging up now,” Stella pulled the phone away and before she pressed end she faintly heard Julia say; “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Stella shook her head and pressed end before pressing Marco’s contact and calling him.

“Hey, I just landed, mine or yours?”

“You’re in Boston?”

“Yeah, do you want to meet at the Drip Shop or—”

“Yeah, I’m five minutes away so I’ll order for us.”

“I should be there in thirty if I can get a damn taxi,” he complained, half to her and half to the cars at the terminal.

“Okay.”

Thirty minutes turns into forty-five and Stella ordered another decaf coffee because she’s pregnant and coffee—a.k.a. her life source—is bad for babies.

“Hey! Traffic was horrible. Why is your face telling me someone died?”

Stella looked at the man in front of her, her best friend, Marco. He’s handsome, she knows that, she’s known that since high school. “It’s not that, not remotely close to that.”

“I’ve been here for barely a minute and you’re acting like I killed your cat.”

“Dog,” Stella corrected and took another sip of her coffee, not feeling the usual high of caffeine. “Julia is pregnant.”

“Wow, you said she and Iain were trying, right? It shouldn’t be that surprising.”

“It’s not, but when we’re both three weeks pregnant it’s a little weird.”

Marco choked on his latte, “Wait, what?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“With—with my baby.”

“You’re the only guy I’ve had sex with in ten years so yes.”

“John Alfred, bad choice. You do know I want kids, that I’m ready to have kids and I love you, you’re my best friend. If you want to do this, I am here.”

“Promise me, because I’m scared and I don’t think I’m going to be a good mother, but I _know_ you are going to be an amazing father. I am going to need you, even when you find a wife or—or I do, I’m still going to need you.”

Marco reached across the table for Stella’s hand, “I am here, no one is going to take me away from my kid, okay? No one is going to take me away from you.”

* * *

**June 18, 2050**

“Uncle Leo!” he heard behind him and he put on a brave face as he turned to find his youngest nieces and nephews racing towards him. How weird his twin sisters were pregnant with twins and had them two days apart across the country from each other. It was like a cosmic joke.

Of course Mom and Dad were ecstatic, though Stella didn’t get to see them as they rushed off after her birth when Julia called telling them she was in labor. Leo stayed with Stella, she needed someone other than Marco to yell at, they both deserved that. She was pissed at him for putting her through so much pain, even after holding her sons she was pissed at him. He met his other nephew and niece a month later once Stella and Marco were settled and Niall and Atlas were used to being at home, but mostly because Boston wasn’t Leo’s home and he had to get back to Chicago.

Julia’s daughter, Abigail, was the first to crash into him, her blonde waves braided back with flowers giving her the look of a princess with a dainty flower crown and a billowing soft pink dress with tulle, a five year old wearing tulle. Atlas crashed into him behind her, his bow tie crooked and mop of inky hair worse than ever, his brother looked the exact same. Aiden was last, he’s always last, he doesn’t care for exercise and yet he’s the skinniest of them all.

“Hey guys,” Leo smiled, he loved his nieces and nephews more than anything. More than Casey and he plans on marrying her in ten minutes.

“Why are you crying?” Abby asked.

“I’m nervous. Casey is my future and she doesn’t know how far out of my league she is and I’m afraid she’s going to find out and I’m going to lose her,” he told them, knowing they have no idea what he’s talking about.

“She just said the same thing about you,” he heard in the doorway and Ella stood in a dress fairly similar to Abby’s, bridesmaids dresses. “Though you’re supposed to keep your cool, Uncle Leo.”

“I’ve never been cool a day in my life, your Nana calls me Little Bell, then you were born and Jake named you after Grandpa and she stopped calling me that because you were literally Little Bell. You stole my nickname.”

“She says you were the perfect combination of Grandpa and Uncle Miller.”

“Silent and studious, that’s me,” Leo smiled. “Where’s your father and brothers?”

“Dad is probably scolding them for doing something stupid," she said about Jake.

“He is, they stole a flower off the wedding cake,” Bellamy said walking in, his hair now grey and slowly receding. Still handsome as hell in a tuxedo, crow’s feet in the corners of his eyes when he smiles, he has lots of reasons to smile.

Leo never knew of his parent’s hardships, he didn’t know that his mother was an alcoholic, didn’t know she abandoned Jake and Dad for five years. Didn’t know that his mother had been dead for six minutes after giving birth to his sisters or that she was in a coma for six weeks after that. He didn’t know that his Aunt Tava hated her for the longest time or that Uncle Lincoln was the first to come around to his mom after she returned. He lived in a bubble of pure love and didn’t know any different until he graduated high school and Jake took him for a drive to a little town three hours from their childhood home and brought him to the roof of a bar with a strange name, The Dropship, telling him every grueling detail of their parent’s relationship. Ending with his father’s words of wisdom from earlier in the day.

_“’Follow your heart,’ but remember that the journey won’t always be flat and paved. There will be mountains to climb and canyons to cross without the help of a bridge. Forge your own path and you’ll be happier when you look back on everything you’ve done with your life. Just because something’s the easiest choice, doesn’t mean it’s the best one,” Jake said, handing him a beer._

_He took the beer, unscrewing the top, “Jake, where are we?”_

_“This is where I was born, this is where our parents fell in love. And right there,” he pointed to a parking meter on the other side of the road just past the bar they sat on top of. “That was our parent’s tipping point. We have an Uncle Jasper, you don’t know him, I barely remember him. He was in love with a woman named Maya, she died there and Mom blamed herself and so did Dad. Dad is self-sacrificial and because he felt the blame he put all his effort into putting Jasper’s broken heart back together while Mom spent more and more time downstairs. A year passed and Mom found out she was pregnant with me and she ran. She did what was best for Jasper and herself and me and she left Dad, she went to a rehab center in Boston, the same one Stella works in, and six months later I was born and Dad flew up and got me while handing Mom separation papers.”_

_“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”_

_“Because we didn’t want you to think that they don’t love each other. Mom and Dad love each other so much so telling you otherwise, you knowing all that, could have made you worse than me. I’ve known Marisol since I was ten and I didn’t know how I felt about her for thirteen years. I wasn’t ready for her, I know that, but she was also the one person I went to for support and advice. Marisol is my everything, she has given me everything. And I want that for you, Leo, I want you to have an epic love like our parents.”_

Leo stood in front of his friends and family, staring into the green eyes of the woman he loves more than anything and he forgot his damn vows, he had them memorized, he swore he would have them memorized so he wouldn’t have to read off a piece of paper he scribbled it on. He was prepared, he had been waiting for this moment since the day they met on the pier, damn seagull. What the hell was he going to say?

“Follow your heart,” Jake whispered behind him, the best Best Man Leo could have chosen.

Leo smiled, everything falling back into place. “’Follow your heart,’ three words with one of the heaviest meanings, which sucked as a kid because I had no idea what it meant. The first time I remember hearing it I was six and Dad said it to Mom and three months later the six of us were traveling the world for an entire summer.

“The next time I heard those three words was when Jake kissed Marisol on his graduation day. I was eleven and my nose was shoved so far up the spines of books, I thought I knew the meaning of everything, which, at the time, meant ‘whatever the hell you want’, turns out they don’t. So when I heard them uttered by Marco to Stella the day she had Niall and Atlas, I was confused and I didn’t like being confused, I was a know-it-all that knew nothing.”

Leo smiled at Casey, knowing this was probably the weirdest vow anyone has ever made, anyone has ever witnessed. “And then I met you on that pier, Casey, and I heard those words, I heard my father saying those words in the back of my head and everything fell into place. Those seagulls attacked you for your hot dog, getting ketchup and mustard all over you and I helped you, I brought you back to my apartment which was a couple blocks away and you laughed at my bad jokes and made worse ones yourself,” he chuckled. “I think I fell in love with you that day, three years ago today to be exact. I tried being cool, I tried to act like my father from the stories that Uncle Miller had told me, then I tried acting like Jake who was more Uncle Murphy if you look at it the right way,” he smiled. “But you caught on, you knew me all of fifteen minutes and you called me on my bullshit and told me to be myself. My bookworm, fiction obsessed self that was lucky enough to make my passion my profession.

“’Follow your heart’ those words hold the most meaning to our family and every one before me has followed them in their own way. Three years ago I followed mine when it told me to go help you and every day since then I have been the happiest man alive, thanks to you, Casey. I love you more than you know, more than I can put into words. Every moment I spend with you I’m following my heart.”

Casey smiled, she opened her mouth to say something but closed it again. “I love you. Three years ago when we met, I was in a bad place, I couldn’t trust people, I was broken. Seagulls attacking me for my hot dog didn’t help, but then you were there and something in me told me to go with you, even if you were an ax murderer, I’d be better off going with you than back to work with ketchup and mustard all over my shirt, because ‘who the hell puts ketchup on a hot dog?’”

“It’s weird,” Leo laughed.

“You changed my life. You made me feel alive again, something I hadn’t felt for a very long time. You also brought me happiness and showed me that I deserve more than what I was getting at that horrible job of mine. You showed me how families are supposed to be, they’re supposed to be full of love and support even when you live thousands of miles from each other. For the first time in my life I’ve never felt lonely, thanks to you.”

Leo knew how different Casey’s upbringing was from his, knew that her parents didn’t enroll her in soccer or softball, ballet or art, they didn’t have the money. They also didn’t have the time, she was alone, much like Auntie Raven growing up but Raven had Finn, she had someone to help pass the time with. Casey didn’t, she was bullied and told that she wasn’t good enough, she was never good enough and it beat her down. Leo didn't know any of that, he only saw a beautiful woman fighting a seagull with condiments all over her clothes that needed help. It wasn't like him to help out strangers, one of those childhood lessons he never grew out of, “Don't talk to strangers” “if a stranger comes up to you asking if you want candy or puppies or anything like that, run away calling for whichever adult is watching you.” His parents can never say he wasn't a good listener (except when his head was in a book).

“Leonardo Blake, you saved me, more than you know, more than I can express in words. You are my light, you are more than I thought I deserved and you showed me that I deserve far more than I thought. I deserve happiness and a man who loves me wholeheartedly who I love just as fiercely and I am so glad that man is you. I love you, Lion.”

Leo smiled, holding back tears because this woman is more than he could ever have hoped for. He wanted to give her the world and he planned on it. He knew she’d never felt that, that no one has ever showed her that she mattered, until him. Hell, her family didn't even show up to their wedding, those cold hearted assholes. They didn't deserve her, they didn't deserve to know what an amazing woman she'd become because she truly is a magnificent woman that deserves everything she wants, the family she wants.

And maybe that was it, maybe they’re every insecurity that Casey has, maybe it’s because of them she hid herself away in the little shoe store she worked in when they’d first met, shoes aren’t sexy. No man had ever walked into a shoe store ready to bed the woman selling him his shoes, because shoes aren’t sexy. Shoes aren’t what turn men on it’s the legs, how the shoes—correction, heels—show off the muscles of the leg, elongating them and—FUCK! He’s getting hard thinking about Casey’s legs in the middle of getting married.

“You may kiss the bride,” the priest said jolting Leo out of his thoughts and he pulled Casey into him kissing her with every ounce of desire he had before pulling away to see the biggest flush over her chest, neck and cheeks, he knew she wanted him just as badly.

“We're going to be late to the reception,” he whispered in her ear and she smiled.

“I was thinking the exact same thing, Lion.”

“We're now married, that makes you my lioness, baby.”

“Of course there's a pussy joke in there somewhere, just come out and say it.”

“Eh, it was lame, involving those claws you have on,” Leo smirked leading his laughing bride back down the aisle.

* * *

**DECEMBER 8, 2059**

“Hi, Nana,” Ella said, her voice breaking slightly. “I know you don’t remember me, I was just a baby when you started to forget,” the tears in her eyes swelled and pooled over, cascading down her cheeks.

The woman stared at her, trying to figure out who she was, she always has. “Clarke, it’s me, your granddaughter, Ella. Please remember.”

“Ella? J—Jake’s daughter?”

“Yeah,” she smiled weakly. “I’m sorry, Nana, I—I... God, how do people do this? I can’t do this.” Ella dropped her head into her hands, giving herself a minute to compose herself, not being capable with her favorite person in the whole world gone now.

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Clarke asked, placing her hand of Ella’s shoulder and Ella lifted her head to look at her grandmother who gasped and shied away from her.

“What?” Ella whispered.

“You just... you look so much like my husband. Who are you?”

“Your granddaughter.”

“Jake’s six, he doesn’t—“

“There’s time travel in the future.”

Clarke smiles and Ella was about to have a breakdown. “That makes sense,” Clarke nodded.

“I couldn’t be there anymore, I wanted to come meet you and Grandpa when you’re in your prime, I’m not supposed to tell anyone I’m here though or where I’m from. Can you keep it a secret? Just us?”

“Yeah, I’m just bad at secrets.”

“Can I tell you one really big one?”

“I would love that! God, my granddaughter came from the future to meet me. Bellamy will be so jealous. What’s the secret?”

“My yesterday, December 7th, 2059, Bellamy Blake, loving husband, father of four, and grandfather of seven with two on the way, died in his sleep. A heart attack.”

“No. No, I—I can’t know this, how...” Clarke’s shocked face calmed, breaking Ella’s heart even more. “Ella? God, you’ve grown up, how old are you now?” her smile lit up the room and Ella wiped her tears away.

“Twenty-one next week, Nana,” she smiled.

“And your brothers are good?”

“Seventeen and sixteen, total menaces. Nana, do you remember me coming to you when Dad—Jake—was six and I told you something about PopPop?”

“Of course I remember, Bellamy, I... I wasn’t myself, was I? When did you actually tell me about my first Bellamy, because you’re my favorite, don’t forget that.”

“It happened last night, Dad, Julia, Stella, and Leo booked flights here for everyone. We even got in contact with Octavia, no one’s seen her since Lincoln passed. We... I found him. I’m staying at your house for school and everyone was coming for Christmas so I just stayed and there was no coffee made this morning. I—I can’t unsee him like that, I...”

“Ella, you are so brave and beautiful and I am so proud of you. He loves you, God, he cried when Jake told us your mother was pregnant. The time before that was when he thought I had died when I gave birth to your aunts.

“Your grandfather is a romantic, when my father died, do you know what he said to me the first time I admitted that my father was dead? He told me it’s not possible because love doesn’t die, it changes and he was right. Just because Bellamy isn’t physically here anymore doesn’t mean he isn’t in here,” Clarke pressed her palm against Ella’s chest. “Now, before I go, what are you studying?”

“Medicine,” Ella told her, giving her Nana a tight smile.

“My mother was a surgeon and I almost became one but I got lost and I... I bore it so my friends didn’t have to.”

* * *

**Virginian Pilot Obituaries: Monday, December 9, 2059**

Dr. Bellamy Blake, history professor at Norfolk State University, passed away of a heart attack the night of Saturday, December 7, 2059. After hearing the news, his wife Clarke Griffin-Blake, world renowned author of _The Conclave_ series, suffering from dementia, died of natural causes the night of Sunday, December 8, 2059. They had four happy, beautiful and successful children and seven grandchildren with two more on the way. Their love wasn’t perfect but it was strong, fighting and surviving so many battles, always healing stronger than before.

Their eldest grandchild, Bellamy Clarke Blake, named after the couple, was with each of them when they passed. The beloved couple left the world with a quote for us all to admire. “Love doesn’t die, it changes." The essence of their love encapsulated in five simple words.

_May we meet again…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed and maybe wept for a while and possibly hate me a little, I understand. But also if you do want to send me a prompt or ask me questions or my insight on any and all things Bellarke, visit me and drop an ask on [Tumblr](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com)


	22. July 5, 2017: Miller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words.” I found a shirt that says that in Hot Topic a few weeks ago with my friends and after purchasing it, I realized that it's too inappropriate to wear 1. Without a bra and 2. Even with a bra out in public because side boob (thinking about it now, a bralette would probably be acceptable). So I've been wearing it as a sleep shirt in this god awful summer humidity (I can do heat, give me all the heat you've got, it's the humidity everyone unknowingly complains about) and woke up the other morning wanting some insight on Miller’s character after reading the shirt in the mirror (I was hungover and think everything's a good idea when I'm hungover) so this happened and I'm not ashamed.

**July 5, 2017**

His leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. He thought about the Yankees, about wrestling, about Monty sitting next to him and the little boy playing in front of him, nothing got it out of his head. Where he was, what happened in this building countless times a day, he can’t stop thinking about his mother, which was a first for him in nearly ten years.

That’s not to say that Miller didn’t love his mother, of course he did, but he never thought about her time here. Never thought about her last month’s surviving, that’s not even what it was. She wasn’t surviving, she was existing.

He made the comparison once, how Clarke Griffin was a cancer that Bellamy needed to knock down a peg. A cancer, after he said it, he couldn’t believe he used it in that capacity after his mother died from it. Ovarian, caught it when it was late stage three and the doctors couldn’t do anything about it. They asked about a hysterectomy but it was too late, nothing could save her. People didn’t know what it was like, watching his mother die, they had no clue what real suffering was and unless they watch someone they love more than anything die a slow, painful, all-consuming death, they never will.

Once she was gone, he couldn’t talk about it. At the funeral people asked how he was and he didn’t know. They asked how school was going, he was flunking, but if he told them that, they’d say how disappointed Katherine would be in him when they didn’t realize that watching his mother die over a two year time span would warp the psyche of any child, not just him. After a year of not talking and being the kid with a dead mom, Miller’s grades shot back up and he was talking again. No one liked what he had to say so they sent him to a psychologist. That taught him to only speak with conviction, which might drive Monty insane, but the thoughts bouncing around in Miller’s head weren’t rainbows and unicorns.

At twelve, Miller realized he was gay and thought the universe was playing a cosmic fucking joke on him because not only did he watch his mom die and refuse to talk, sent to a psychologist and went the morbid, stoic, and sarcastic route, but he was gay. Murphy and Bellamy didn’t care, he was their wingman at parties, and his sexual preference didn’t matter as long as they got who they set their sights on by the end of the night.

Then he realized that his sometimes friend, Bryan, was also gay, thanks to Bellamy, and has had a crush on Miller for the longest time. Miller thought they were going to get married, that’s how serious they were, but “writing isn’t a career” and suddenly Miller’s whole future was thrown out the window, which coincidentally caused him to cause Clarke Griffin a cancer and not only did he push her and his best friend together sooner than the cosmos planned, but he belittled his mother’s death all at the same time.

So of course it’s coming full circle. This building, this hospital, is where his life turned to shit all those years ago and now it’s going to screw up the best family he’s ever known. Hell, the only family he’s ever known.

Monty’s bony fingers landed on his thigh and Miller looked over at him, finding understanding and love in his eyes. “They’re going to be fine,” he said and Miller grimaced.

“You don’t know that. She’s been on bed rest for two months and it's high risk.”

“I know what this place does to you, Miller. You're not the only one who's lost someone here, but you can't be freaking out with Abby and Jake around, okay? He _just_ got his mom back, don't scare him.”

“He's asleep.”

“Yeah, now, but when he wakes up he's going to want his brave Uncle Miller.”

Miller looked across the room, finding Jake asleep across Lincoln and Kane’s laps. Abby’s been in there with them a while. Octavia was pacing, their relationship strained still, hers and Clarke's. Raven and Luna were watching Mel and Leanna. Roan’s flying back from San Francisco. Everyone was accounted for and nervous.

A scream from the hallway cut through the news on the tv above their heads that no one was paying attention to, waking Jake up before he bolted out the door towards the outburst. Octavia raced after him.

“Was that…”

“Bellamy,” Lincoln confirmed and Miller’s heart dropped.

They all sat on the edge of their seats in the moments after that until Octavia walked back in looking more drained than someone carrying a squirming six year old should.

“Miller,” she said, trying to hold back her tears as Lincoln took Jake from her.

“I—“ he shook his head, pushing aside everything going on in his head and stood. “I got him.”

“Nate,” Monty said softly as he stood up. “I love you.”

His frown quieted upward slightly, not enough for a smirk, “I love you.” He walked out of the room and down the hall, being buzzed into Maternity, finding Bellamy curled up on the floor facing the wall.

Miller slid down the wall next to him, placing his hand on Bellamy’s shaking shoulder, quietly sobbing. He doesn’t know what to do with this version of Bellamy, he’s never seen it before.

“I can’t do this without her,” he said after a few minutes and Miller tightened his grip on his best friend's shoulder.

“You did before and you can do it again. We’re here for you.”

“In Suffolk?”

“You don’t have to go.”

“I bought her a house, I bought us a house. Everything is already there.”

“You have a house here. Two.”

Bellamy shook his head. “She’s—she’s gone, Nate.”

“She’s never gone.”

“You’re using my words against me?”

Miller smirked, of course he remembered every moment with her. When you’re destined, every moment is engraved in your memory, it’s impossible to forget. “Damn right I am, you want me to touch your heart too?”

Bellamy laughed. _Mission accomplished,_ Miller thought.

“She proposed, did I ever tell you that?”

“No.”

“The morning of Jake’s funeral, she wouldn’t get out of bed and made a joke about how the world would never be ready for a _charming Bellamy Blake_.”

Miller laughed, “Truly apocalyptic.”

Bellamy smiled before remembering why he can’t laugh, it wasn’t as though the laugh went to his eyes, they were still sad, heartbroken.

Abby walked out of the room, the door closing behind her, “Bellamy…” she looked drained but no more than usual. Not like her daughter just died.

His eyes connected with Miller’s questioning it before turning around and looking up at Abby himself.

“You have two beautiful baby girls, did you two have names, or…”

“Clarke…” he breathed. Miller watched the two of them, Abby’s calculated words and Bellamy’s broken heart.

“Right, stable. Unconscious. Clarke’s alive, Bellamy.”

“What?”

“Clarke is alive, we just have to deal with everything one at a time. Your daughters’ names and everything with them before we talk about her care which is being taken care of.”

“Stella Aja and Julia Aurora.”

Abby nodded and Nate wondered if Bellamy saw the hurt in his mother-one-law’s eyes when her name wasn't there like his mother's.

“Can I see her?”

“They’re hooking her up to everything right now, I’ll have Jackson tell you when you can go see her.”

“Abby, I—I’m sorry.”

Miller watched them, it was like they communicate without words like Bellamy does with Clarke. He thought it was a soulmate thing, this was different, sure, it took longer for Abby to understand what he was talking about but she did after a moment.

“It’s okay. She will be okay.”

* * *

 _Clarke’s alive,_ the two words bounced in his head as he walked down the hall, back to the waiting room.

Once he was inside, the room went silent and Miller swore he’d be able to hear a pin drop if they had one.

“Miller,” Octavia said warily. She’s never seen Bellamy like that before, he hadn’t either.

“Kane, you can—you can go see them, take Jake with you.”

“Hey, buddy, you want to go see your new siblings?” Kane asked the boy coloring at the table.

“Sisters,” Miller corrected.

“Jake?”

“Okay,” he answered quietly, standing.

Kane lead him out of the room and Miller collapsed in the now empty chair.

“I've never seen him like that,” Miller breathed. He felt like a different person, like everything that's happened here has made him a phantom in his own body.

“Miller! What was he so upset about?” Octavia pressed.

“Clarke… she—she died,” the words bitter on his tongue.

Octavia collapsed into Lincoln, his arms wrapping tightly around her. “I don't hate her, you know I don't hate her. I was just trying to protect my brother. I didn't… I didn't mean half of what I said.”

“You can tell her that. She's not dead, O. She flatlined and they tried bringing her back and they did but she's unconscious. They don't know if she's going to wake up.”

“And the twins?”

“Julia, the smaller one, dressed in yellow, she has a fever, could be from Clarke and the stress of her birth or it could be more serious, they're looking into it. Stella is fine, healthy with a mop of black hair,” he smirked. Damn Blake genes.

“Stella and Julia?” Octavia questioned.

“Stella Aja and Julia Aurora.”

“They're such dorks,” she smirked, wiping her guilty tears away.

Miller turned to Monty, “Can we talk?”

“Yeah,” he agreed and stood, following Miller out of the room.

They walked hand in hand through the hospital, Miller didn't know where to stop or how exactly he was going to say what he felt until he found a bay window and sighed, sitting on the bench, pulling Monty down with him.

“I love you.”

“Miller, if you're going to make a life altering decision because your best friend’s wife died, don't.”

“I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago,” he smiled, taking both of Monty's hands in his.

“Nathan…”

“I knew I wanted to marry you on our first date. I only told Bellamy that but I should have told you. Then I kept chickening out, thinking you'd move to Colorado chasing after Jasper, but it was an excuse. I'm the Mickey to your Ian and I couldn't stop thinking you'd realized you could do better than me but you're it for me, Monty. Will you marry me?”

“You're proposing to me while calling yourself Mickey Milkovich?” Monty smiled. “It was a yes then and it's a yes now.” The kiss was all teeth as they both smiled through it before Monty pulled back. “I'm an Oliver by the way, not an Ian. You're just not a Connor.”

“I'm offended. How would that crossover work out?”

“Someone would be murdered in every episode, no doubt. They'd have no cast.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter on this I swear, I'm not going to keep it goi… Octavia… who wants some Octavia closure? If you comment yes, it'll happen. If not, it probably won't happen. Ask and you shall receive.


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